Changing

A Story by Impulse

My life took a turn...for the better.

''A Broken Home''

I woke up expecting to hug my dad before he went to work as usual.I walked downstairs and noticed he was already gone,which wasn't too strange because it was pretty late.I started making breakfast just waiting for everyone else to wake up.I noticed that his clothes were gone,and so was his suitcase.

I woke my mom up to tell her what I discovered,and she about had a nervous breakdown.She called him,his friends,and his work.He didn't answer his phone,and his work said he hadn't shown up yet.I thought she was overreacting about the whole thing.When he still didn't come home three days later and we hadn't heard from him,I started to worry,too.

The next morning a stranger knocks on the door and hands my mom an envelope and then leaves.My brother,Kyle, walks downstairs to the sound of us crying.He wants to know what's wrong.Then he sees the papers between us,picks them up,and starts to read.

The secret's out.They're getting divorced.After we read the papers,we looked for my dad all over the place.Mom was on the phone the whole time,my brother was watching her,and I was staring out the window as we drove to friends' houses trying to find where he'd gone.

After a few days of this,and with no results,we gave up and went home.Mom stayed on the phone,my brother went to play xbox until he was needed again,and I went to my room and sat in the corner thinking,''What did I do''?

All I can remember is my mom holding me and telling me that she tried to get him to come back,her whispering ''Sorry'',in my ear and saying she'd done all she could.I was motionless.I didn't cry.I kept telling her that it was okay.I broke from her embrace and went to my room.

That night I sat at the top of the stairs and listened to my mom cry herself to sleep.Lost in my thoughts,I stayed awake all night listening to her quiet cries.

My mom started going to her friend's house to seek comfort and advice.I don't remember what my brother was doing during this time.As usual,I was in my room with dark thoughts and depressing emotions.

I'll admit that it got pretty bad.At one point,I was close to taking my life.There were two sides of me.One was thinking,''My world is crashing,'' and the other side of me was thinking,''It's just a divorce,it happens all the time and kids get over it;so stop making a big deal about it.''So instead of dealing with all that,I locked away my emotions and never said anything about how I felt to my family or my friends.I became quiet and withdrawn.

Eventually,my friends found out and started asking me if I was okay and could they do anything to help.I was quiet.I never answered their questions,and prettty soon they stopped asking them.All I wanted,or what I thought I wanted,was to be alone.Now I realize that I needed someone to stay with me until I was ready to talk,to deal with this.I realized I had pushed away all my help.

I started dealing with it in other ways than words.I took the blade to my skin.I don't expect anyone to understand this.In a way I was letting out my emotions through physical harm.I still have scars from this ordeal.I was already in pain,so why cause myself more harm?I wish I could answer this question,but I don't know the answer.

My mom was disturbed by my falling grades,silence,and a general lack of interest in anything.She took me to some counselors with fake smiles and caring words.This struck me as funny.I wouldn't talk to my family and friends,so why in the world would I talk with a random stranger?They were also disturbed by my silence.After a few sessions,I stopped going because everyone finally realized I wasn't going to speak.

As I sit here typing this,the tears that I had bottled up for so long streaming down my face,I realize that I've let go.For the first time,I've let my feelings out in a way that's not physically harmful.What my father has done has left me emotionally and physically scarred,but I believe it has made me a better person,and I wouldn't have it any other way.

But there's one more piece to this puzzle.My mom had hired a private investigator to figure out where he'd been going during the whole ordeal.The investigator discovered that he was having an affair with my mom's best friend.I wasn't too surprised.Deep down I knew that was the reason for the whole mess.

I still take the blame after all this time.I wasted,and I'm still wasting,my time trying to figure out if there was something I could have done to prevent this.Could I have said something or done something to change the outcome?I guess I'll never know but I won't dwell on what could have been.The past is what it is,I can't change it,and I don't want to.I'm accepting that he's gone.