YOUR LOVE WAS THE DEATH OF ME

A Story by imissyou

love, knifes and hurt. Short story

YOUR LOVE WAS THE DEATH OF ME

CHAPTER ONE.

“Everything was for you, every place I visited, what my interests were, what time I came out and came home, my heart was yours and you knew it. You were like snow, delicate, cold and melted away when you were shown warmth”

It was another sub zero, brisk day in Stockholm. The sun was wonderfully bright; there was snow in piles along the road and on top of houses. It is so beautiful and rare. Very few countries experience intense sunshine accompanied with heavy amounts of snow. The sunlight was so radiant, the snow was so white, my breath was so sharp, and my mind was easy.

It was a short distance to my local supermarket, a ten minute walk at my normal steady pace. I enjoy it I really do. Every morning I purchase a can of Arizona iced tea. My mood depends on what flavour. I am sad inside so it is almost always grape flavour. I saw the automatic doors open and her walk in why is she early? I thought to myself. I looked at my reflection in somebody’s car window, my longish hair with a quiff was drooping down, my grey parka coat was buttoned up to the top; will she think I’m pretty?

I walked in and the hot air conditioner was heaven. You appreciate the warmth when all you feel is cold. I know her routine by heart. She buys a sandwich and a bottle of a selection of soft drinks and sometimes a pack of red Marlboros when she runs out. I meet her in the drinks section. By meet I mean we locked eyes and said nothing.

She was ethereal. I am unsure of her origin her face looked Japanese, her hair was a long to her collar bone. Her eyes were rare and the definition of beauty. Her nose seemed to be shaped by God himself. Her mouth was delicate. Everything was delicate about her. She was a flower that I was unable water.

I saw her brown hair bop out from the drinks section, I hurried to get there. She was walking off as I arrived; she seemed to turn her head around to look at me. I stared at her and as she smirked and walked off. My heart throbbed and lump in throat appeared. I fixed on her figure swaying from one side to the other I just stared at at the end of the isle.

“Excuse me”

I flinched, “Oh... Sorry” and moved out of the way.

I grabbed the nearest Arizona iced tea and walked to the checkout. My eyes scanned to see her shape; I clocked it walking at of the automatic doors. A sadness came over me. My bones were cold and my heart was sore.

“Hello?” the cashier looked impatient.

1

“Oh...Sorry” I didn’t look at their face, put a euro on the desk and walked out.
“Why don’t you care Why don’t you care Why don’t you care!” my thoughts started again.

I reached into my coat pocked at pulled out my cigarettes and lighter. As I burned one I look at the Arizona I bought, I took watermelon. I opened it and tipped it on some roses that were coming to life. I was truly insane with love. Watermelon! I laughed in my head.

YOUR LOVE WAS THE DEATH OF ME

CHAPTER TWO

As I was waiting in the much worn lift to my fourth floor apartment I looked at my reflection in the blacked out glass. I am obsessed with my reflection, the shape of my face, and the strands of my hair. It’s not that I love myself, because the truth of the matter is that I in fact truly hate my being. But, there is something in the way us as humans can see our self’s, that we can see a completely other person as we look in a mirror. A passing bystander can see my exterior tiredness in my face but not truly see the emotional damage in my head and heart.

As I heard the ding of the lift and the saw sluggish doors open I hear a woman cry out “F**k!” I looked to my left. I didn’t recognize the voice so I was puzzled. I saw the black hair and yellow striped sweater of a woman hunched over scrambling to pick her sandwich and a bottle of Dr Pepper up. The building we lived in is slightly slanted; I guess that’s why the rent was so cheap. The bottle rolled to me. It’s her. I thought to myself there and then that the woman I was in love with, I had never heard her speak. But I promise her voice was like an angel, and to this day the most divine sound my ears have ever had the fortune to hear. A strong lump formed in my throat. The woman looked up and was equally as choked as me. Nothing was said. There was a ghastly silence. Yet my body became like a robot. I picked up the bottle and began to walk over. It seemed as if my heart was controlling my actions, my mind was shouting “NO” and the rock in my throat is also saying the same.

But she smiled.

I handed her the Dr Pepper and her index finger ran across my top of my hand. I felt my heart move and my insides freeze, my head became hazy. My eyes moved and it was my way of saying “no problem” like her way of “thank you” was a smile and her finger touching my hand. I turned around I walked to my room. Number twenty two. I could sense her diamond eyes on me. But I didn’t look back. My key scratched the bronze door handle, I was trying to find the key hole. My hands were shaking. I entered and closed the door. I walked over to my arm chair and slumped. My hand was still trembling as I put them on my face.

“Oh my god” I whispered.

3
YOUR LOVE WAS THE DEATH OF ME
CHAPTER 3

It was getting dark. I love Stockholm, I really do. I will love it forever. It is my home; everything I have ever known has been here. But sky begins to blacken at five pm. It is haunting. The Swedish comedy “Solsisan” was on the television. It is cheap humour and the actors are washed up. Although my mind was elsewhere, the moment where she smiled at me was replaying in my head over and over. My body felt on my fire. I went to my balcony and took a cigarette. As I lit I saw two cats sitting side by side. They were not moving or making any type of noise, just sitting by each other, content with one another. I looked down and see a man sitting on the bench outside the complex with roses. He had a blue cap and a brown blazer. I found comfort with him. I knew he felt my pain.

I sat back down and closed my eyes a surge of want came over me. I want her. I didn’t know if I wanted her to be mine or to just acknowledge my love for her. I could not cope. I had to see her. I had to tell her. I had to make sure she knew.

I pulled the light string in my bathroom. I straightened my hair and levelled my polo shirt. I told myself I was insane. I tied my shoe lasses and walked out, leaving the door adjacent slightly.

The hallway seemed to go on forever, door after door after door. I could feel sweat round my brow and my chest felt heavy. I finally faced it. Room 29. I exhaled slowly. I couldn’t knock, my hand lost feeling. I couldn’t move it for love nor money. I heard the lift bell ding and quickly knocked three times. I felt embarrassed and ashamed just stood outside her door. There was no answer just the noise of Swedish pop in the background. Maybe she didn’t hear, maybe she looked through the peep hole and decided I wasn’t worth her time. I turned to walk away, I wanted to wear my heart on my sleeve but I would have died if I stood there any longer. I heard the door click and instantaneously turned around. Like a rabbit caught in headlights.

She answered the door with a cigarette in her left hand and an old oversized t shirt, it looked like a man’s t shirt but I was so transfixed on her face. We said nothing as we faced each other. She looked choked and astounded. Our eyes locked and seemed to have a conversation.

Hello, how are you? I’m sorry to bother you but I am awfully in love with you!

“Hello” she finally muttered.

“Yes hello” I whispered.

“Thank you for picking my Dr Peppered” she smiled.

“My” I cleared my throat “my pleasure” I choked.

4

“Do you want to come in?” She said bleakly, I was unsure if she trying to insult me.
I stumbled in, her possessions were everywhere. She sat on the bed next to a dark red dress. I stood there, poised. I went to speak but she spoke at the exact same moment.

“Sorry go on!” She laughed.

“No please!” my voice grew, I felt at home somehow.

“Do you want to go to brunch with me tomorrow?” she put out her cigarette.

“Yes! I would love that, please yes!” I moved closer to her.

“Il knock on your door tomorrow, noonish?” she asked.

“Yes! Of course” I smiled and moved closer.

She giggled and jumped off the bed and asked me to get her lipstick behind me. I gave it to her and she caressed her index finger on my hand again.

“I’m sorry, I’m going out but please wait for me tomorrow” she murmured as she hunched over to the mirror going over her lips like art.

I would wait forever my heart said.

“Yes! Of course” I started walking out.

“It’s a date!” she called out.

“It’s a date” I called back.

I shut her door quietly, my heart was singing. It’s a date!

Her words repeating over and over, running through my head.

YOUR LOVE WAS THE DEATH OF ME

CHAPTER 4

I dreamt about her that night, and thought about her when I woke up. She was the only picture in the art gallery in my mind. I looked at the clock and read eleven am. I jumped out of bed and quickly opened my curtains. I ran to the shower, turned the water on jumped straight in. The freezing cold water hurt my skin, but the feeling of warmth after hurt even more.

I tried to look as smart as my wardrobe would allow me. I thought skinny grey chinos and a brown blazer did the trick. I sat down on my chair waiting, anxiously, anticipating her knock.

A split second later I heard it, my stomach dropped but heart lifted, I breathed in and out and walked to the door. I understand that it was a simple task of opening a door, but when the other side is someone who you know with every feeling in your body that you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s slightly daunting. I opened the door to a smiling angel. Her face was so perfect it killed me. How could anyone’s facial structure be so insanely perfect, no flaws, nothing I could make better.

“Hello! You ready?”

“Yes lets go, let me just grab my keys!” I smiled back.

I swiped my keys and locked the door; I felt that I was leaving home for the last time and moving to a new one.

As we walked we hardly said anything, making conversation with someone you have had so much to say over the years is difficult. But equally I didn’t know if her silence was a sign of her not knowing what to say or her not wanting to speak.

“Where are we going?” I said after a long awkward pause.

“ilcaffé of course!” she replied looking at me, smiling.

She happy to be with me, her feelings seemed true; this was everything I had dreamed about.

We walked in and sat down, we had both been there many times, it was hers and mine local coffee shop. We ordered our usual and started talking.

“Listen, like I can’t really explain but you are... like” I mumbled.

She put her finger on my lips and my head fell faint.

“Shhhh, tell my in the bathroom” she giggled.

6

My whole body froze and my mouth went dry. She took my hand and led me to the bathroom I turned my head and saw the man I saw yesterday walk in the door. He was the wearing the exact same outfit and was squinting hard like he was trying to find someone.

We walked into the disabled bathroom.

“We aren’t allowed in here!” I said trying to sound like I had self respect.

“I know!” she giggled. “So tell me what you wanted to say”

“ I know you know” thoughts and feelings that I held inside seemed to come out at once “I’m so in love with you and I’m sorry”

She came closer, leaned to my ear and whispered “why are you sorry?” she kissed my cheek softly, my face felt on fire and I loved it.

I leaned into her and we kissed, my hairs on my body stood on end, I had goose bumps. I cannot explain the feeling, it was something beyond compare. It was like no other kiss in my life.

She broke away and reached in her jacket pocket

“I think I love you I really do but there are some things I have to do for him” She started to talk fast and breathe heavy.

I said nothing, confused, my face in shock.

“I think about you a lot but... yeah” she looked down and frowned as she pulled a pink Hello Kitty pocket knife out.

I stood there motionless, slumped, I didn’t understand what was going on, but the feeling in my stomach and chest told me something was terribly amiss.

I looked at her face and her eyes were red and watery. She leaned in with her hand however I felt nothing, then a sudden cold sensation. She backed away and I fell forwards towards her. A throbbing pain started and my vision became slightly blurred.

She stabbed me.

“I’m sorry” I gasped.

“For what? I stabbed you!” she cried, her voice in shock.

“For getting blood on your dress” my hand banged against the cold tiled floor and I looked up.

7

She was looking at me, I could see sadness in her face, she was crying, I felt so awful for making her cry. She began to check her appearance in the mirror, touching her hair and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. She then proceeded to get her lipstick and write something. She opened the bathroom door and as it was closing saw her walk up to the man in the blue cap and brown blazer and furthermore kiss him on the cheek.

I staggered to sit up and managed to do so against the toilet. So many thoughts were running through my head, Confusion, sadness, pain physical and emotional,

Why?

I gazed at the mirror.

There are so many things you don’t understand, you will be okay, find me and save me, I am so sorry.
Love forever
-your darling girl.