Your Letter

This is for that one person we all have in our lives.

I wish I could punch your nose, pushing into your face and make you feel pain. I wish I could hit your chest, and show you how much I hate you. I wish I could tell you how much it hurts me to talk to you now, how much it hurts just to think about you. I can’t though.

            I wish I could hug you and take in your Hollister scented clothes. I wish I could call you in the middle of the night, crying about nothing, and be assured that you’ll listen and console me. I wish you could hold me forever when I feel bad. I wish I could tell you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. I can’t though.

            I can’t do any of these things, because it would hurt too much to do any of it. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle hitting you and causing you pain, my mouth wouldn’t be able to form the words ‘I hate you’ and mean them. My fists wouldn’t be able to punch you for long, until they collapsed.

            I can’t hug you and take in your scent, because I never see you. I can’t call you in the middle of the night crying, because I’m never sure if you’ll answer the phone. I can’t have you hold me forever, because you’d get distracted and leave. I can’t tell you how much I love you, because my voice won’t say those words. I can’t have you console me if you don’t feel like talking to me.

            I didn’t think you moving would have this big of a toll on me. At first it was fine, we saw each other every other weekend, and it was almost like 8^th grade all over again. We were best friends again. Then homecoming came. And after that weekend of you calling me, and making sure I was ok, you quit.

            You quit calling me. You quit texting me. You quit trying to get in contact with me entirely. I won’t admit it to you, but it broke me to look at that phone, and see all the messages saying ‘I love you’ in them. It broke me to think of me calling you  while  I cried my eyes out and ripped that stupid dress off. It just pained me to look at the only way I kept in contact with you.

            Soon enough I found out the reason for the lost contact. Two potheads that I have no idea how you met. All you ever do is hang out with them at there house, and before I know it, you’re talking to his sister, and you start falling for her, asking me for advice on how to ask her out. All the while my heart cracks a tad bit more.

            I want to smack myself in the face for helping you. I know she won’t say yes, and you won’t get the chance to ask her out since she has a thing going on with a junior in my band, but that’s not why I want to smack myself. I want to, because your asking for help on someone else, when I want you to be asking for help on me.

            I can’t say this to your face, but every time you talk to me, I get this spark that runs through my body. It starts in my toes and works its way up to my head, making me dance around in my room and my smile wide. It makes me stay awake for hours, and makes you stay in my mind for days.

            It’s the same spark that makes me check the phone in anticipation for your next reply, the same spark that gets disappointed when you stop for no reason and never resume the conversation. The same spark that when I see your name makes my heart fall to the floor and my eyelids droop and tears go down my face.

            I don’t know how this will work when you come back to my school. Will you start hanging out with me again? Or will you go with those potheads and his sister, and leave me as a memory?  You are my best friend, but I think starting today, I can’t be yours anymore. Your number’s gone from my phone, and I’ve decided that maybe distancing myself will save my sanity, even if it doesn’t save my heart.