Letter Of Feelings, Kimi ni Todoke (From me to you)

.....you'll see when you read it....

(Malik, this was written a long time ago...if you're reading this, please pay special attention to the very last paragraph...sorry, it didn't happen like this and now everything's all complicated....but at least we ended up together before it got complicated...It's a little hard to be happy these days, for me anyway, cause I finally see how happy you make me and now I'm losing it all...that date made me realize that I don't want to give you up...you are special to me...I don't want to lose you, that's all...)       

 

 I can't understand my feelings for him....They're so confusing....I like you, then I like you as a friend, then I like you more than any of them....all in the same day...My feelings are all over the place...I might be holding myself back, because I can't go out with anyone, and I'd feel guilty if I ended up kissing him...Maybe I imagine it sometimes...I won't lie...I do...It sucks to have strongish feelings for someone, but not be able to show them completely what they make you feel inside.

         I don't want to become dependent on you, just in case you end up breaking my heart....Relationships in high school don't really last long...but when I see the ones that last 3-4 four years and are still going, it gives me hope, it makes me think, "That could be me and you.." I haven't slept with a teddy bear since that other guy back in my first year of middle school. But now that you've gotten me one, I don't want to get too carried away...I sleep with it every night, I wake up in the mornings holding it tight...I have no idea what I dream when I hold that bear, but I swear it makes me not want to wake up, and when I do wake up, I'm thinking of you....

         I read too many fairy tales, I hold my expectations way too high....Especially my expectations of what I want in a guy. This isn't good, a guy cannot be perfect, he cannot come to my rescue everytime I call him, he can't always catch me when I'm falling....He won't always be there...these things that I read about in my silly fantasy world of books, they're impossible....They're foolish to secretly want. I won't get a prince, I'll get an ordinary guy...and there should be nothing wrong with that....

         What I really want, I guess, is someone to lean on...someone to help me out, and cheer me on, and let my guard down with....i've been independent for as long as I can remember, is it too much to ask, if I say I need a partner? One that's dependable and strong mind wise....Someone whom I don't have to question....I want to look at you and just know that you're mine, no one elses, and that you love me.... I don't want to worry about someone leaving me heart broken...I want to feel comfortable, and carefree around you...I want to have fun, nothing getting boring....

          Maybe all of my expectations are built from fantasy stories and books....and I know it's childish, but I want someone to go on adventures with me...to explore and comment and be a kid with me....I won't get to be a kid for long, so while I'm a teenager, I need to do as many kidish things as I can...after a while it'll be too late and I'll be an adult, then I'll be wishing for these things again....I want to share it with someone....

          I'm not sure about my feelings....that's another reason why I don't want to just rush into it with you...I don't want to be irrational and say I feel a certain way, but then the next day realize that the feeling is gone...I don't want to hurt you...I feel like I have for the longest time already, I don't want to hurt you anymore...you've been waiting on me, I think you deserve a clear, unclouded answer from me. you need to know what I'm actually feeling all the time and not just on a given day.....

           Things between us are going so slow....but I think it might have to...This pace will give me time to warm up to you....you've been my friend for so long, that it's hard to think of you as someone I want to kiss, and hug, and love....You hide your feelings for me so well....I can barely tell, but they show....not with your spoken words, but, (this might sound weird) I can feel them through your actions. The tone of your voice, and the way your eyes look when they're looking at mine, and your hugs, and your laughs, and your smiles....and even in the silence, when we don't say anything....it feels like, a warm atmosphere around you...even the most normal things you do, feels like it has a secret meaning or message that's telling me what you're actually thinking...or what you wish you could say, it feels special, different than it does with someone else....

           I feel it the most in a hug....the heat coming from you feels like,....love, pure raw, happiness....I think I feel it too....don't know if you can tell, but the other day...you gave me the second two armed hug, and I kept holding on to you....a little longer than you did....it's like everything happened in slow motion...my instincts took over, and all I could think is, "I don't want to let go, I don't want to let go, I don't want to let go...." I wanted to stand there a little longer feeling your arms around me...It just felt so good, and right, and it was a reasurance because it tells me that I haven't lost you to another girl yet....I'm afraid of that happening....I'm a jealous person....even though I know you have a lot of friends that are girls....I can't help but want you all to myself....I'll turn my head away, or look somewhere else when I see you hug or hold another girls hand....I look away because I don't want to see it, and because i don't want you to see it in my eyes....Yes, I feel like you can tell....sometimes you're able to read me like a book, especially when I'm disappointed, or sad.....you don't flat out ask me what's wrong, maybe you don't even know that something's wrong....but you always end up doing somthing to make me happy...it's really strange...and I don't get how you do it...

           Also I feel that if you see me being jealous, you'll think less of me, or be disappointed in me...you also might feel compelled to stop doing friend things that you've been doing with these girls even though you like me since forever....and who am I to dictate what you can and cannot do? Who am I to sever your friendships? I don't think it's right for me to do that...I can't help but feel what I feel, but I'll deal with it.....Besides if you make any desisions like that, I want you to do it because you want to...not because you think you might lose me if you don't .....As long as I feel you still need and care for me....I'll be there....I want this to all come naturally....I don't want it to be forced....

            I know (that's right, I'm completely sure.) that a relationship between us, would be full of meaning and specialness...as long as we get past the obstacles that are sure to come and do this right, we would last a really long time....I know this, just like I know it's possible, no...it's inevitable, that I'm going to fall in love with you.....day by day, our future gets clearer....this long year will be an obstacle... for both of us...I'm going to struggle with my feelings....as well as trying to convince my mother that you're harmless, good for me, and how much i like you...in the end she decides all of this...without her consent, there's no us, it's just you and I...we're free to like each other, but not free to act upon it.....

            I'm thinking about letting you see this one day....but I don't know....maybe next year....I'm thinking about how happy you'll be when you read it....maybe just to see you smile, I'll print it out and watch you read it....me giving this to you means that my feelings are stronger and that my mother has finally agreed to letting me date...if it's 10th grade or the summer before....I'm probably using this to show you my feelings, or maybe I'm using this to ask you out....who knows what'll happen 6 months from now...it's even possible that you might like someone else now....if that's the case, then you'll be unhappy when you get this....sorry, didn't mean to throw last years feelings at you....but if you like someone else, I won't be able to move on without you seeing this and telling me to my face that you don't like me....I really hope that this isn't the case...anyway, I'm typing all of this at 1am....so I'm really sleepy...I'm going to curl up with the oreo (the bear you gave me for my b-day) and go to sleep....

           P.S  I really did have that dream about you and I getting married....I don't know what it means, but you told me you loved me in the dream when I asked...also, be prepared...when I love, I love hard....if I'm smothering or it's too much, please tell me that you need space or I won't know...that would be a really stupid reason to break up...and I want this to last as long as it possible can....happiness is really hard to come by these days....  : ) 

     ...Tatyana...