Teh Everlasting BUTTERBALL

Jen the Butterball and her bovine companion Sam are thrust back in time. However, The Butterball uses this to her advantage. Why all the bitterness, Jen? This was originally written as a tribute to Liam Limjoco and Jenina David, my former roommates.

 

 

Urg the caveman was pulling the meat off of a newly-roasted pig. He could taste the savory flavour and he burped loudly, satisfied. He lazily eyed the rest of his tribe; some were squabbling over the last pieces of pork, while others were picking their teeth with sharp pieces of bones. Overhead, the sky seemed infinite in all its blue glory. Life is sweet, with all the hunting and the occasional procreation in some random cave woman’s hut. Urg closed his eyes and smiled a caveman grin: teeth missing, gums overlapping, and lips stretched across his face.

 

And then it happened.

 

An intense blinding light suddenly plunged from the heavens and a few seconds, there was a terrific crash on where Urg previously was. The cave people panicked, the men instinctively picking up their clubs and beginning to swing at anything moving, which happened to be their wives. The children began running behind rocks, fearfully looking around. Amidst the confusion, a thunderous voice boomed out, “STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO ME!”

 

Frantic activity immediately stopped. The cave people held their breaths but the men warily tightened their grips on their clubs. Soon, they stood in awe at the sight before them. Floating several feet above the pulverized remains of Urg the caveman, high enough for the whole tribe to see, was a glistening butterball the size of a small coconut. It was washed in a pure golden light, and it was slightly bobbing up and down.

The voice continued. “I AM THE EVERLASTING BUTTERBALL, AND I HAVE COME FROM THE CONFECTIONER’S FACTORY. I AM YOUR GOD AND YOU ARE TO WORSHIP ME AND ME ALONE!”

 

The cave people do not know what to make of this strange spectacle. But Brel, deemed the wisest caveman in their village, was the first to sense the unadulterated power radiating from the Butterball. He realized that once angered, their unexpected visitor could have them scattered all over the plains like what happened to the unfortunate Urg. It was that, and the menace that seemed to come off the Butterball in undeniable waves of sheer threatening evil. Despite not knowing what language the Butterball was speaking (cave-speak just consisted of lots of pointing, grunting, and crotch-scratching), Brel did the most natural thing he could think of.

 

He quickly fell to his knees and bowed.

 

Soon, the rest of them were following his example, their nose touching the dirt and the sweat of their nervousness dripping and darkening the soil.

 

“YES, YOU CRETINS. SERVE YOUR RIGHTFUL MASTER!” boomed the Butterball, smugly chuckling to Itself at the stupidity of the stupid earthlings.

 

Then, a small voice whispered, “Jen, can I come out now? I’m not sure I want to stay in this hole with some smelly earthling’s remains.”

 

“Later. Let me gloat some more,” whispered the Butterball back. Then, it cleared its throat and boomed again, “WELL? GET MOVING, SLAVES! I WANT MY PALACE TO BE DONE BY DAYBREAK AND YOU BETTER INCLUDE THE CUSHIONS FOR MY ROYAL BED!”

 

And with that, the cave people scattered in like ants. The Butterball swivelled and laughed.

 

“That wasn’t really nice of you, Jen,” said a black and white cow with a pierced ear climbing out of the smoking hole. It focused its large soulful eyes on Jen the Butterball and reproachfully continued, “They don’t deserve to be fooled like that. Shame on you.”

 

“Aw, Sam. That’s just my way of coping with my breakup with Jai.”

 

“I told you not to trust those suave lemon cupcakes. Especially the Atenean ones,” muttered Sam the Cow under her breath.

 

“What did you say?” hissed the Butterball suspiciously.

 

“Nothing. I just said that you look as golden as ever,” said Sam placatingly. The Butterball sniffed loudly and sighed. With that, the two unlikely companions turned to the direction of the setting sun, the Butterball bobbing up and down like some round golden puppet while the Cow was making hoof tracks on the soft dirt.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The dominion of the Butterball was accepted with fear and loathing. The cave people would sometimes look up from their strenuous work, eyes full of hatred, to see the Butterball softly laughing to itself. But of course, when a strange golden confection suddenly crashes from outer space and enslaves you, you might as well understand where it came from and why it even asserted its unwelcome dominion on you in the first place. But no, they didn’t know one thing about their master, apart from its peculiar bowel movements and its eccentric sleeping habits.  They weren’t even sure whether the Butterball was a woman or man. Little did they know that the Butterball really was a woman, with a woman’s intuition and a woman’s capacity to love.

 

A capacity that was severely abused by a certain chinky-eyed lemon cupcake.

 

Jen could remember the day she first laid eyes on him. It was a fine summer’s day in the bakery, and she was being displayed out in front with all the other butterballs. As she was about to close her eyes for another siesta, the door opened and the delivery man came in bearing a basket of steaming pastries. On the top of the pile of assorted cakes, pies and such, a pale yellow cupcake caught her eye. He winked. She swallowed hard. He grinned. She fainted.

 

And that was how she met Jai.

 

After their fateful first encounter, she tried hard to know the name, the place where he was baked – hell, even the ingredients! – of the mysterious cupcake. No luck. She was always staring at the basket across the room but he wasn’t there on top anymore. It wasn’t until she was awoken from a deep sleep by the squealing of her fellow butterballs did she finally know.

 

And there he was, looking up at her from below, grinning his cupcake-y smile. This time, she didn’t faint; she knew better. Instead, she listened to him as he introduced himself. She would force herself not to smile.

“I’m Jai.” How direct. “I was wondering if you would like to spend some time with me warming up beside the oven.”

 

A flush of warmth crawled over her round cheeks and she turned a delighted pink.

 

“Well, I...”

 

“Please?” The cupcake-y eyes were at it again.

 

What else could she do?

 

 

Author's Note

This one's a little disorganized with shifts in the span of time. I'll edit it if I can get reviews. :)

Reviews

[Wunderlich]

This has to be one of the oddest pieces of literature I have ever read. I chuckled a bit at the absurdity of everything, but with a bit of organization and tightening of the wording, it could be a pretty interesting piece of writing. This is something I'd probably read with only the light of my monitor to illuminate the words, and maybe a bit of acid to make everything more significant. I'm not sure who the target audience is, but just tighten things up, organize everything, and keep on writing :D