Fading Acrylic

Situational irony at it's finest, and loss of hope.

FADING ACRYLIC - Written by Ilona Inayatealy

I woke up to the morning light, burning my bright blue eyes, and quickly closed the curtains. The climate during the month of May is the sunniest and warmest in Detroit. I went back to lie on my dark room's messy floor, and lit up a cigarette. Everything seems so complicated. I still remember, about four weeks ago, when my mornings were livelier. The sunlight did not burn my eyes, it rather gave me warmth and inspiration. At that time, I had a dream. I had a purpose. I would spend my days, careless about anything else but my paintings. Before sleeping, when I woke up, when I had the slightest time, I would shut the door and paint. I am not very clever, popular nor cool , but painting made me feel like I had something other people did not.

It made me feel that way, but it wasn't necessarily true... Did it ever happen to you, that the only thing that mattered the most to you, that made you feel special, was actually meaningless to everyone else? Did it ever happen to you, that one thing you felt greatly talented in , was actually just seen as a hobby to everyone? I first detested people who could not see my worth, until I realized that I was the only one who made my mind up to this. I realized that I wasn't what I thought I was. I still remember exactly everything that had happened that morning, I often think over it again and again.

I remember coming back from school and quickly rushing upstairs, going to my room and shutting the door hardly and carelessly. I was working on my ultimate painting, the greatest one yet, which consisted of many colors and textures, inspired by Van Gogh's 'Madhouse Garden' , but way better I'd say. I would paint and then re-paint, change colors, textures, trying the best ones then testing it on different papers. That would be the science I would like, experimenting nonstop by trying different variables with different acrylics, and finally getting the results. Sadly, it doesn't work like that in high school. My marks were getting lower, and my father noticed it. He opened the door and looked at me with worry in his eyes.

"Yes dad? " I asked.

"Hey, Leon. What are you doing?" He asked me, and looked at me from head to toes.

"Well, just some painting stuff..." I replied.

Noticing the funny way he looked at me, I glanced in the mirror. I had paint all over my clothes, and also on my dark messy hair. My fair cheek was covered in turquoise paint, which I probably applied on my face unintentionally by scratching it.

"Umm.. yeah." I said, embarrassed.

He chuckled and asked me:"So, is everything fine at school? I've not talked to you for a while now, I must admit I am getting worried, Leon."

"School's okay ." I lied.

He then sat on my bed, and told me to sit next to him. He looked very worried and saddened.

"You know why your mother left me when you were young, don't you? "

"You said she had to live her own life and be happy."

"I couldn't provide all her needs, I was just a waiter at that time. She had to sell all of her belongings for you, and did her best for you, but it wasn't enough, she couldn't bear it anymore, and ran away from her problems. This is all my fault, Leon, I am so sorry."

Tears ran on his face, and he wiped it off.

"Do you really want to go to Cranbrook Academy of Arts? Are you sure they are going to accept you? Think about it twice, and even more. Art won't pay enough, I am telling you. You are just ruining your life. I can't bear seeing my son ruining his life. Think well." He added.

Before I could say anything, he already went out of my room, and shut the door.

I felt sad for dad, but I knew he was wrong. My life didn't have to be just like theirs, it wouldn't be. I already sent my application form weeks ago, and dad would be surprised if I was accepted there! I didn't mind much about what my dad thought, I could prove him that he was wrong. I still had hope. He thinks my art is just worthless. If Cranbrook Academy of Arts accepts me, I know I will be successful!

I am remembering all of these thoughts I had and how stupid I was. I extinguished my cigarette on the floor, it burnt my finger. I remember those several days I've spent on my ultimate painting, sleepless nights, and waiting for the university's answer. I remember the next week. This is how it all began, or rather how it all ended.

"Leon! Come here quickly!" My dad yelled angrily.

I just ignored him, and added the last touches to my painting. It looked gorgeous.

I sang 'The Big Bang', by Rock Mafia :" The big, big bang! Some people like to talk, but I'm into doing, what I feel like doing, when I'm inspired! Oh Oh Oh!"

I heard my dad rush through the stairs and the hall, making loud footsteps. He entered my room and looked at me , then at my painting. At first, I stood proud, thinking that as he saw my painting, his bad mood would go away, but it actually got worse.

He looked at me straight into my eyes and said :"Your report ."

He threw my report on the ground.

"Dad, I'm sorry but you know..."

"There is no but , no more excuses!" He interrupted.

He took my painting out of its support.

"Dad, no! I'm so sorry, please dad, I ..."

He smashed my painting on the floor. The soggy paper's acrylic wasn't completely dry yet, and some of it splashed on my room floor. He stepped on my painting, he completely destroyed it. The mark of his shoe print, together with the hole on the ripped paper, devastated me. He destroyed my painting, he destroyed my hope. He destroyed everything. My eyes reddened with anger but mostly with grief.

"Can't you understand anything? You have no idea how much I am deceived by you! You have great dreams, the biggest university of arts , but do you really think they are going to accept you? Since how many days have you been waiting for their answer? They won't, I am telling you, you should face the real world now! Your art, if that's how you call it, is just a hobby, you do not know anything else! I do not want to look like the mean father, but you leave me no choice, I have to warn you how this world is!" He yelled.

He paused for a moment, and calmed down.

He then continued: "Son, I just don't want you to make the same mistakes as I did. You should understand that what you are doing right now is... worthless. Stop wasting your time."

Dad walked out of the room, and I just stood still, looking at my painting.

I did not get any answer from the university, and as I threw my painting away, I guess I threw my confidence and hope away too. These two weeks since then , I've been hanging out with my friends, totally messed up, doing things I'd never think I would do. It's too late for me now, I can't do anything. Dad was right. We do not talk much nowadays, but he still checks my room sometimes. I do not even think about the university's answer anymore. It would never come.

What a wasted life. Just as Leonardo Da Vinci said, while I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. I stared at the floor, a sun ray passed through the small opening between the dark curtains, and lighted the faded acrylic stain on my room floor. I stared at it and thought deeply.

I hummed my favorite song again, and sang softly :"Sometimes I feel so isolated, I want to die. And now take it from me if you got it , Oh, every time..."

I reached for the cough syrup next to me, and stared at the other bottles under my bed. After three of them, I reached for another one. I am feeling sleepy but I'm also feeling so calmed, melting on a cloud of comfort . I feel nothing but numb, all of my muscles released, I let go of everything. I hear my dad coming, I hear everything so deeply, like stereos in my ears.

"Leon, you've been accepted! I can't believe it! Leon? Leon? " He shouted with joy.

I hear my door open, and a sudden silence. I hear paper sheets fainting on the ground, a sob, then a sudden wail. I want to wake up, I am trying to, but everything I try to do seems to worsen everything. I want to open my eyes, but I can't move. I hear my last heart beat with my stereo ears.

PS/Side Note : Leon is named so as Leonardo DaVinci, his absolute role model.

Detroit is known for its academic arts.

"The Big Bang" by Rock Mafia, talks about love, desire to die, and how love fixed it all. Leon loves art, without it, he dies. No purpose means no life.