Prouloge

Prolouge

 

Prologue

 There are changes in the world today than what is really seen by man, not all of Man knows about what really exists now. Yet those who do know of our kind are sworn to secrecy about it on their life.  Earth is no longer one world anymore, it never has been though in the first place but then again we always never did want to come out of the dark.  Ferentha is what has always been earths 'other side" for us not like mortals, we were always the outcast from man the myths and legends were based off us to make us seem vicious scary and evil.  We hide our selves well in earlier times but when man began to dig into our realm was when we were discovered again. Nothing was the same form there on.  The five explorers that had discovered our realm were taken in by the elders of the kingdom for them to be sworn to secrecy or sentenced to death.  They weren't so anxious to be not killed nor keep our world to themselves but after some brutal force they eventually swore their lives to our world and promised to never tell any but their heirs.  From then on Ferentha was known to be connected to Earth by ripples in the atmosphere later founded that a only certain creature called a Pixale` could pass through due to the spells casted upon them to prevent future discoveries of our world.  When Ferentha had merged fully with its sister  realm Earth, hundreds of creatures were forced and split into the Earth realm, their only way back they discovered was by befriending a Pixale`.  When a child was bonded with a Pixale` from birth both of their souls were connected nether able to live without the other, only when the child died did the Pixale` become what we call an inkling which roamed freely among earth and Ferentha creating chaos, some even rumored to possess others for periods of time driving the person to extreme lengths to wish death upon themselves.   The early Five that had discovered us had passed down to each of their sons only the world of Ferentha, only one son was produced per family with the Five and that son was granted a Pixale` allowing them to pass between both realms.   Once a Century an individual from Ferentha was chosen to live with one of the Five from birth, when they reached the age of sixteen they were sent to Earth where they were to find that family and live amongst the mortals. . .
That is where I come in my name is Aliyah Rose; my story starts on the day of my sixteenth birthday. . .

 

 

Reviews

[Rainbow Rider]

Just a helpful hint. Please read this OUTLOUD to yourself. I found it to be confaluted and confusing. I could not grasp what it is you are trying to relate in the story. I get the gist and premise of what you are going after, but the way you have it worded is overwhelmingly confusing. As I said read this to yourself OUTLOUD and you will see how it doesn't have an even flow to get your thoughts across to the reader. You tend to use the wrong words and have very few discriptive words. Some examples:


'Earth is no longer one world anymore, it never has been though in the first place but then again we always never did want to come out of the dark'

This is just confusing and totally grammatically incorrect. It would work much better rewritten like this:

Earth is no longer just one world, it never was, nor ever will be. We never wanted to be brought out into the light of day, but the actions of man has forced us out of our protective shelter of darkness.

'Ferentha is what has always been earths 'other side" for us not like mortals, we were always the outcast from man the myths and legends were based off us to make us seem vicious scary and evil.'

Again, confusing with the wording, to many WE, US usage. Maybe try:

Earth has always had two very different realms. One one side, the mere mortals had thier Earth. And us, we had the Other Side, Ferentha, home of the Pixals (Insert any other names of who/what resides here). We were the outcast from which man made up his myths and lengends of viciousness and evil to scare the younger generations, so as not to ever want to delve to deep into our realm.


Okay the part below has me completely lost. I put my observations in (CAPS).

"The early Five that had discovered us had passed down to each of their sons only the world of Ferentha, only one son was produced per family with the Five and that son was granted a Pixale` allowing them to pass between both realms. (OKAY, EACH OF THE FIVE HAVE A SON, SO FIVE SONS ALL WITH A PIXAL. BUT THIS COULD BE WORDED BETTER) Once a Century an individual from Ferentha was chosen to live with one of the Five from birth, when they reached the age of sixteen they were sent to Earth where they were to find that family and live amongst the mortals. . . "(OKAY EACH ONE HAS A PIXAL, BUT ONLY ONE GETS SOMEONE FROM FERENTHA TO LIVE WITH THEM FROM BIRTH, SO IF THEY ARE LIVING WITH THEM FROM BIRTH ON EARTH, HOW ARE THEY THEN SENT TO EARTH AT AGE 16? OR ARE THE FIVE FAMILIES ALL LIVING IN FERENTHA? THEN HOW WOULD THERE BE ANCESTORS LIVING IN THE EARTH REALM OF THESE PEOPLE FOR ONE TO GO LIVE WITH? THE WORDING IS CONFUSING)

Your last line is perfect, if the rest of the opening was understandable. I think it would read better if you introduced this character in the opening line though, then have her narrate the entire opening. Maybe leave out at the beginning it is her 16 birthday, and use that as the closing line. Something like:

I am that one in a century Ferenthain, and tommorrow is my 16th birthday....

I really like where this could go, if only it was written to be understood. As I said, read it OUTLOUD and you will hear how there is no consistent flow and how the wording is confusing. I look forward to reading more of this story.