As I stand In the kitchen of my years-old apartment, making fresh coffee, I think about the decisions I have made in my life and where they have taken me. Although I could have made better choices I am not displeased by this path I have chosen. Everyone has their mistakes, their own secrets buried deep down within themselves, ones that they want no one to know. There are two things in life that I am sure of: a) Mistakes aren't mistakes unless you learn from them. b) Sometimes secrets should be shared, no matter how dark. And right now, I have a secret of my own I'm willing to share. Something that happened many years ago that I'm not too proud to admit.
I pour the coffee into a mug and carefully lift it from the counter and just then I realize how weak I've become; this is the first time I've noticed how much my hands, once strong and stable, now shake. I also notice the wrinkles that have crept in over time and for a short moment I feel a sadness rush over me, a feeling I've not experienced in a long time. In that moment it was like my life was suddenly flashing before me and I realized I had not become the man I once wanted to be. Growing up I always had dreams of becoming a successful business man, I knew the career path I wanted to take, and I was happy. I always knew I would make it in the big world, I just had to believe in myself, and I did, more than anyone could imagine. But not everything goes to plan. Instead I am old with no family around, no friends, and achieved nothing. It's as if I never lived at all.
I steady the cup between both hands and walk towards the round table adjacent the small apartment window at the back of the living area. I place the warm mug on the table that is showing signs of aging (It's been around since I was six years old. The black paint is fading and the back left leg is not as steady as it used to be) and sit down. I stare out at the night as I wrap both hands around the mug and I quickly feel its warmth heating my fingers and the steam rising to warm my cheek. In a quick moment I suddenly remember everything like it was yesterday, still fresh and clear in my mind, everything coming back to haunt me in one horrible moment. It was like I was twenty-eight again about to make all of the same mistakes. As I tighten my grip around the mug, still warming my hands, I turn my head from the window and stare blankly in front of me for what felt like minutes. When I realized that I would have to relive my past again I flinched, feeling a horrible wave of emotions rising to the surface, like a volcano that's been quiet for years, now ready to come to life. I calm myself very quickly, take a sip of coffee and look back out into the city night. When I am totally relaxed I smile slightly, now happy that I am about to tell the truth for the first time since the night in October of 1980, I will not lie. I will tell nothing but the truth and make sure no detail of that night is left out. I promise.
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