Chapter 1

"Love, hate, sex, pain, its complicating  me sometimes."

Im sitting in my room, playing this song over and over. I just came from Crystals. This girl, is so much like me, its scary. I love her. Im in love with her. We talk about everything. From mood swings, to bad eating habits, our sex life, you name it. We met a while back and we've gotten closer and closer each time we talk. We smoke cigarettes, weed, pop pills, drink, and party together. And boy, do we party. I spent the night over her house last night. We smoked with my new boyfriend, Dylan, and our friend Norman. We were so high, we couldnt even walk. Crystal is 5ft, and Norman is like and a half. So Norman carried her on his back. We started drinking last night but had to stop because Crystals mama told her she couldnt spend the night. So me and Crystal went back to her house, and passed out. We woke up today at 12, went to her doctours appointment and then went to Normans to smoke weed and drink. Crystal walked out, Norman threw up, and me and Dylan had sex. Ive known Dylan since 6th grade. He has just about the same problems I have. 

"In this life, Im me, just sitting here alone. And by the way I tried to say Id be there for you..."

When I smoke, i see myself, as who I am. Its so hard to explain. I walk alone and when I smoke weed,everything slows down. My heart beats fast, my eyes start to close, my vision blurs. And i look next to me, and I see myself. Not me, the smoker, the bad kid, but me, the one who does what shes told, does dishes, stays in school. She wears glasses, like I should, because Im far-sighted. She has on skinny jeans, and shes quiet. But we sing together, when shes there. I miss her. I want her here with me. She makes me feel, normal. Like, she knows everything about me, and still accepts me.  And shes so perfect. Flawless skin, eyes like the sun, a body, that no one can deny. Too bad shes mine. And when I trip out, we're together. I want her there forever. I keep repeating myself, but Its all I think about. And then its just us, passing the bowl back and forth to each other. Everything kicking in all at once. Shes just so open to me. Wed make the perfect couple. Just the two of us, and the one thing that brought us together..Weed. Sweet cannabis, yes. I cant wait until I get to experience that again. Id do anything to see her. Anything. The air between us is getting harder to breathe, so i sit down and close my eyes. All I can see is us. Laying together in the grassy swamp behind the park. Her in my arms. Us kissing and giggling randomly for no reason at all. Our tongues tangled to the sound of "Hey, hey! We'll be young forever", playing on my phone.

"Dilated eyes, shine for one last time. Are you holding on?"

And just like that, shes gone. I come down from cloud 9 and Im alone again. Its nothing new, I mean, I smoke, she shows up, teases me- with those amazing lips, then the air comes back in between us and she me last time, smiles, and then the wind blows her sweet presence from me. So I walk out of the swamp, alone. Walking was always something I hated doing when I was high. I walk like a stoner. Head down, staring at the floor, making sure I dont look like Im high. Which, of coarse  makes me look even worse. But, I was a soldier and pulled together all the strength I had left to make sure I made it back to my house. I come in the door and I know theres no hiding it from Mum. She always knows when Im high. But, I still sit right next to her like its no big deal, because it really isnt. Not to me at least.