Nobody's Daughter

a reflection of a me. I lost my mom at 3 years

There is this sickly feeling burning in my belly

where a motherless child rages and hurts for her mother

Its a tired feeling knowing you have no one to hold you

when things add up. No one in your corner when life gets

the better of you. I feel forgotten most days, and on others I

feel like a tag along. I long for that bond, that closeness.

I long for love.

That day she died I was only 3 years old, but that moment on I was a

little grown up. Already on my own, trying hard to fit the pieces

back together before I truly understood what had even happened.

In some dreams I cry when dad tells me, and in others I laugh.

A deep belly laugh that I lose control of. In my reality, baby girl sucks

it up and moves on staying strong for her daddy.

And in some way its always been like that. If we dont speak her name,

if we hide away her face from public view then the walls wont crumble.

The team of daddy and daughter will stay strong.

I layed in the fetal postion my whole life, touched my belly button

trying so hard to remember being apart of her.

At the beginning of motherhood I hoped Id feel closer to her.

But its just left me feeling lonely. Its caused me to need more, to

rememberless, and hurt in a new almost more painful way.

I have nothing of my old life to carry into my new life.

Somewhere along the way the small scraps have been misplaced

or given to someone new. And still I have nothing of her,

and sometimes feel like parts of my father have been misplaced.

I have always been a hard person to touch and get close to.

To afraid to love or become apart, but most of the time it

was a away of dealing with never being asked. Ive watched my cousins,

my friends, my partners with their mothers and families. And always

wondered why? Why must it be so different for me? So hard, so distant?

Why must I want that, and yet never have it? I will never let a moment slip

by without letting my boys and David know that I love them. Never miss out on a moment

to hug or kiss them. To cuddle or carry them. Because I would never

wish this hole in my heart on anyone. I have battery acid pumping through

my heart. The pain causes this constant burning, Scaring me in ways

no one will ever see. I want a mom, a mother, a mommy. I want to have someone

of my own that I can talk to, cry with, fight with, love.

I have such a distance in my heart. Such a void I wish would just fill in.

I wonder if Ill ever know her. The stories are so jumbled, so untold.

I know nothing of her, I know nothing of a huge part of myself.

And I wonder how this will effect my children. I get so lost in my head most days.

Trying so hard to figure me out, trying hard to figure her out.

I often think Ive lost something. And most times, the answer is the same... her. me.

Reviews

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I'm sorry for your loss. This is a very beautiful poem. It must be hard to disclose and write about such an emotion and loss.

[Kriss_Rose]

Beautiful. I never knew this. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart! I love this because I feel the hurt. I'm here if you need to vent :)