March 28, 7:31 AM. My new beginning.

after this day. after all my thoughts had been penned out. i was finally free from my past that had held me down for so long. i've been able to truly enjoy life since then on.

Why can't he be more like you? In the midst of our everyday sentences flung upon each other with painful glances and short retorts. Why cant he be just like you? But would you really want that? What if everyone was like me, walking aimlessly around each day. Looking for a meaning; a reason. Searching for the past that Ive lost. Longing for the future i plan to build. What if we were all so confident like you? With a time and place for everything. What if we were all so god damn perfect, like you pretend to be? my body slams against the wall of hypocrisy you've built around our life. i fling myself like a rag doll. Not noticing my self inflicted pain, not caring about my non forgiving rage. Let me out, I just want to be human. To be acknowledged. To be loved. To be, myself.

 

i am supposed to be great. i am supposed to direct myself; a dictator to my own being; a mentor to no one. I know i am smart, shelves full of awards, certificates, plaques; anyone could tell you the same. But each phone call when you give me your "words of wisdom". i cannot help but to reject them. We hang up, and i am none the wiser. Instead i plead angst and get away with murder. Given two weeks to reform, after every two months of hell. I can stand the judgements and glances of others, its my own self title i cannot take. the name i give myself, and the one you gave to me.

 

Does it matter that im from a broken home? We all have our secrets, pushed deep down inside, buried to conceal the truth. But can you see that my battle scars are more than skin deep? They're in my heart, pulsing through my veins. each breath a reminder of my past, each cut a tiny relief, every blood loss a quiet victory in my battle of saneness. Do you see how long ive take this? How i long to take in a new life. One with objects and possessions of my own. Somewhere to hide my head, to fill with laughter, to rest my sould. I cant help but think that as each day passes my resentment of this cage, of this cell is bringing my one step closer to a better self. I am strong, i am intelligent, i am knowing. All i need now is a safehaven to live my life. For this house is not a home, and this family is not a whole.

 

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when all the inner self can see is the ugly world that surrounds us, what value is beauty? Forever seeing devastation and disaster can be oh-so-blinding. How i long to catch someones eye. To sew them a truth. To patch together our lives. To sew them a quilt of our own stories. So as it is passed on, and the years go by, someone will use it to warm their bones, and learn of harder times "back in the day". Back to the day, when you left us here... And so you sit. Thrust upon a throne by society. Some would think you are forced to live such a pompous life, but i know otherwise. I can see that your crown is made of secrets and lies. But your dignity keeps you from flinging it to the ground. The ground where the people worship your very feet.

 

the mirror reflects greatness. the mirror reflects a half hearted truth. the mirror reflects something i can and cannot see. that i can and cannot be. we need a transition point. its time for change. something more than a new day. even the rising and setting of the sun gets tiring.

 

 

after i wrote all this.

my life changed for good.

<3

END.

Author's Note

when i say "each cut a tiny relief, every blod loss a quiet victory.." i am not referring to cutting. just to let ya know. :]

Reviews

[bunny nabber]

Oooo youre strong girl, keep on that right high path, youll be better for all the hurt, just dont let it mold you to be beyond what you really know you can be.

awesomeness, clear fast, straight up.

check this out:
every blodd loss a quiet