When I was a child
I remember my bedroom had a wall of windows. My parents thought it would make
up for not being allowed outside. Every day I sat by my windows and watched the
world outside. I saw how the clouds changed before it rained and imagined I
could feel the wind as it whispered through the trees. I watched as other
children played and made friends. My parents refused to let me leave the house
even though I begged them to even if it was only for a day. They would tell me
that it was dangerous and that a war was coming.
My other wall was covered in mirrors and I would talk to the person I saw in
them so I didn't lose my voice. Though I was trapped inside my parents never
stayed home with me. I should have been going to school with the other kids. I
should have been jumping in piles of leaves and building snowmen instead I
watched. I learned from watching I knew what the weather would be by the sky. I
knew when the trees would start to change from the seasons and I knew all about
the wildlife in our village.
Growing plants in my room was the only way to really feel like I wasn't
trapped. Other children had all of nature to play with and they made houses in
the trees and spent the summer in the sky with the birds. I read books so I
would learn things about the world, plants and animals but I never learned
about people. I watched them every day and couldn't understand anything about
them. It was okay though I only really needed to know one thing. I hated all of
them.
They had what I didn't. They lived a life I never could and they acted like
idiots about it. Every day they would waste yelling and fighting among each-other instead of seeing the beautiful things around them. They would spend
day after day not leaving their houses. When it rained they all acted depressed
and ran for shelter. I would give anything to feel the rain on my skin. In
their pointless fights they would trample on beautiful flowers that I would do
anything to see outside my room and they would cut down the trees I always
admired for being so tall and strong.
When the winter came everything changed. That year I saw something more
beautiful than the trees that I loved. Fire came and took away all the people I
hated. The people were beautiful like the flames while they caught fire but
that was fleeting. Other people came with the fire. Not just any people an army
came. The one in front was the shortest and he had hair that matched the
flames. They all ran in and started painting the village in blood from the
people who survived the fire.
It wasn't long until my windows broke from the heat I dropped to the floor and
covered my head as protection. Now that the windows were gone I could hear
everything outside clearly. It was deafening. The flames roared, people were
screaming, steel was hitting steel. my head pounded from the sound and I tried
and tried to block it out and at the same time I tried to soak it in. my hands
stung from the cuts made by the glass and my knees throbbed from
dropping onto the stone floor when the window broke but the pain was the most
real thing I had ever felt.
It seemed like hours passed while I lay on the floor and in that time my whole
body soaked in the pain and my lungs burned from breathing smoke. I lost who I
was. My name was forgotten, my parents were dead and the only place I had ever
known was burning away. Every thought in my head was washed away either by the
pain I felt or the joy that I was free. It took everyone around me dyeing but I
was finally free.
When it all stopped there was nothing but ashes and a burned outline of what
used to be my home. The people in my village were dead and the people who came
with the fire were all that remained. They walked through the village looking
for any survivors. I was still on the ground and every thought in my head cried
for me to run but I didn't want to. So I stayed there sitting in the remains of
my home.
Smoke from the fire clouded my vision for a while but when it cleared I saw
that it was snowing. For the first time I felt the chill of winter and learned
what snowflakes felt like when they touched my skin. The sky was filled with
ash and snow and like the fire it was beautiful. The burning in my lungs
finally stopped as I breathed in the crisp cold air of winter and for the first
time in years I was truly happy.
For some reason no one seemed to take an interest in me. So I let the snow pile
up little by little watching as many flakes as I could and taking joy in their
strange and unique shapes. When I thought the snow was thick enough I fell back
on it laughing as I spread my arms and moved them up and down in the white
flakes as I had seen other children do before. it felt like running ice over my
skin but like the pain it felt real and I enjoyed every second of it
I decided to close my eyes and lay still to take in the feeling of the snow and
the cold air on my skin. I lay motionless for a while feeling the difference
between the cold snow and the still warm ashes and hot ember. I listened to the
dying flames crackling as they tried to live on and I could hear swords going
through flesh and bones into whoever had survived
despite how aware I was and despite the fact that I could hear people far away
being stabbed I did not hear him walking over to me. I did not hear him stop
above me and wait for my eyes to open. So when they did I was surprised to see
the person standing above me with a curious look on his face. For a moment my
eyes met his and I realized he wasn't normal because his eyes lacked any iris
or white they were all black.
He was the one who had led the people through the flames into my village the
short one with the fiery hair. Upon close inspection I saw that it wasn't just
his eyes. He was completely abnormal. I learned from watching the people
through the window what kinds of things they wore, how they kept their hair and
what kinds of things were normal to see like ear piercings and makeup. This man
was different from everything I had learned to expect from people.
His hair was long on one side and spiked up to look like three horns. The other
side was cut short. Some people had a piercing or two but he had piercing all
around one ear. On top of that he wore the strangest yet most suiting outfit I
had ever seen. As I looked at his robe that seemed to be made of moth wings and
saw what was left of the once enormous fire burning behind him one thought
crossed my mind "Like a moth to flames."
I couldn't help the smile that spread on my face. In return the man smiled back
at me reviling teeth that had been filed into sharp fangs. Though the more I
looked at him the more I realized that this person I had first assumed was a
man could actually be a woman.
his or her facial features were sharp like a man’s but his or her body had curves
like a women and though I couldn't notice from far away this person had painted
black nails which I was certain was something only women did. However he...or
she had a very flat chest. suddenly, I was presented with a piece of paper
saying "hello"
Apparently the person had decided to write to me while I was trying to figure
out if I was going to be talking to a man or a woman. "Hello." it was
the first time I had talked to someone that wasn't my parents or my reflection.
The person took the paper back and started writing but before I was shown
another message I had a thought "What's your name?"
The person looked up with those strange black eyes and though there were
no pupils I knew this person was looking at me. It was kind of unsettling but before
that feeling fully sunk in the person smiled and flipped the page quickly
writing something and then turning it to show me. "Cadren" so this is
probably a man. Just like that he was writing again.
I took the opportunity to look around only to realize everyone was watching us.
When this person came through the fire ahead of everyone else I assumed he was
a front-liner someone unimportant and expendable but in that moment I realized
he could be the most important person I would ever meet. Someone so high up an
army of people that must have been at-least ten times the population of my
village had stopped everything just to watch him doing literally nothing with
someone who, to them, was completely harmless and unimportant.
This was when fear finally sunk in. that many people watching me was quite
frankly unnerving but the fact that they were watching me with him made it
worse. I was harmless anyone could see that and in my mind this meant they were
all waiting for him to do something. My mind raced with all the things they
could be waiting for him to do and those thoughts terrified me.
I had just gotten my freedom. For the first time in my life I felt the
outside air and I saw snowflakes up close. Now there was a chance I might lose
it all. In that moment my eyes started to sting and I turned back to Cadren in
a sad attempt to make sure everyone else didn't see. He was holding a paper
towards me with the question "what's your name" written on it.
At that time I wasn't sure why I answered the way I did but I didn't hesitate
and for some reason what I said felt right. My old name had been washed from my
mind and all that was left was "Envy." Cadren smiled at me again
before turning and as he left all the people who came followed him. That was
the last day I knew what it was like to feel.
Now I'm trapped inside again. Day after day I watch the people outside waste
their lives. They still spend days inside doing nothing and I hate them because
they sit around complaining about simple tasks and I would do anything to get
out of this chair. I still don't understand them but that's okay because with
my loss came power. I don't need to understand them because I control them.
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