The Paranoia Preparations For Safety

A Story by idealistic_CMH

A detailed version of what it's like to have extreme paranoia

"What if?" the two small words that fed my paranoia as a young child until it grew into a tormenting obsession that took me down a different path that I could have taken. if only someone had taught me not to try to control every outcome that could possibly happen. If only I knew, that sometimes it's just easier to let the pieces fall where they may. Now I'm a twenty two year old man, still living at his parents house because I'm too scared to go to college. there's a slim chance that I'll go there motivated, then two months in I could suddenly realize that this isn't what I want to do and the BAM, I waste my time and money. That's just one example of how my mind creates these Terrifyingly detailed hypothetical situations that beg me to ask myself, "what if." It's like knowing you have a friend coming over but when you hear a knock on the door, you're too afraid to open it, because of the possibility that there could be something dangerous on the other side.

Every night sense I was a little girl I would pray to god to keep me safe, I would contemplate on whether I was being specific enough in my prayers because I was scared that if I didn't say the exact right thing, then I would still be in danger. I don't go to church very often anymore but I still continue to pray because I fear that if I were to stop even for one night, there could be a chance that my prayers have been protecting me from something sinister this whole time. I check under my bed every night because I think "what if" a monster with deep hollow eyes and a uneasy smile were to drag me under my bed and murder me by eating parts of my body slowly while keeping me alive, i wouldn't be able to scream for anyone because of the affect that shock has over my body.

I have weights holding my door open permanently because I've seen to many movies to know that "if" ghosts were real they would slam my door shut, locking it, leaving me helpless. in agony my family would listen on the other side of my door while I scream in terror watching the creepy old man in the corner with skin so grey I could practically feel how dead he was just by looking at him. he stares at me, as I wait for the moment for him to crawl towards me to suck my soul out with his deeply dreadful eyes.

When I hear my house make even a hint of noise at night, I keep my eyes wide open and they will not shut until I see a glimpse of daylight. I say "what If" that was more than just a creek in the wood. "What if" whatever made that noise will be right there as soon as I shut my eyes, standing right above me watching me sleep. It could be staring at me, heavily breathing, waiting to hear me scream the moment I open my eyes. i might see a smiling woman forced to stare because her eyelids have been brutally cut off. As soon as I realize that I can not move, that I can not scream, that all I can do is stare right back up at her, my heart would feel as though it is going to explode. all I can do is look back up at this women with bruises covering her entire body, her neck looks as if her head had been spun all the way around multiple times and I see her hands hold chunks Of her very own hair that she had been ripping out aggressively while continuing to stare at me. I can picture her having the same skin as the old man and that thought is enough to keep me from sleeping at all through the night.

My mind is creative but it works against me, making me see my worst fears in the most vivid way possible. When I'm not awake and constantly thinking "what If" then the chances are, I'm dreaming. I'd like to tell you that my dreams are filled with joy and sweet sweet happiness, but I would be telling you a lie. When I'm not awake, I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming about getting trapped in an elevator alone. I dream about the worst things I've ever done, and I dream it so Vividly that I basically relive it. believe it or not, my way of thinking isn't all bad. the thought "what if" helps me to take chances too and that makes my life worth living most days. "what if" life works out for me, "what if" these thoughts go away one day, "what if" this is all in my head.