- November 16th, 2012 -

The agony of withdrawal.

November 17th, late evening »»
I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. This cut-free fiasco, that is. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a physical coming up soon, then I wouldn't be doing it. It's supposed to be temporary, this abstaining, but it feels permanent. Is that why it hurts?

I can't help but wonder. I haven't cut since October 17th. -- that should be an accomplishment, right? I guess it is . . except I'm not proud of myself. I'm not happy. I'm miserable. Headaches, cramping, poor appetite, loss of weight, heavy menstrual cycle -- I swear to God, I'm bleeding out, and not like I thought I would, either.

I never pictured my death to be like this. A slow, gradual tearing of the seams, an unraveling of my stitches. You know, the ones holding me together. I try to think about Steven, or West -- either of them, like maybe that'd make this easier. But they're adults. I'm naught more than a kid. For them to want to hang out with me is not okay. It'd be like me wanting to chill with a . .