The Arrival

Two different versions...of the beggining of my first chapter.

Third Person

 

A tiny black raincloud hovered high in the air above Lonnie's head. The rain was endless, and today it was thundering and lighting as well. She stood in line ready to board her plane, fighting the urge to turn around and run, run from the airport, run from her worst fear, and run from her last resort. 

     Everyone else in line wore one of two expressions, they were either excited, probably because they were going to Texas on vacation, or to visit family and friends, or they looked utterly bored, likely just going on business trips or coming back from a vacation. Lonnie however looked terrified, the only one of them who didn't find the prospect of flying thousands of feet in the air at hundreds of miles per hour enthralling. The only one who thought they were all just standing in a line that lead to there guaranteed doom.

     The fear of flight however wasn't the only reason she kept eyeing the exits. This wasn't a vacation or a business trip, but a temporary living arrangement made by her mother,Pamela. This was the last resort, she'd be staying with her Aunt and Uncle, her godparents, whom she hasn't seen in almost ten years. This would make it a total of two times she'd been sent away while Pamela had to undergo treatment in a rehab clinic, and "get her life back together for real this time." The first time, Lonnie had been eleven, but because the godparent option hadn't been available then, she had instead stayed two whole months in foster care. In those two months Pamela hadn't bothered to write, call or acknowledged in anyway that Lonnie's twelfth birthday had come and gone, this had permanently scared their relationship. Lonnie hadn't a clue as to why her Aunt and Uncle weren't unavailable then, but she knew as well as her mother that another stay in a group home would totally demolish what was left of relationship,thus the last resort had taken effect.

 

 

First Person

 

 

I'm pretty sure that it's visible only to me, but there has always been a small black raincloud hovering right above my head. It rains night and day, never stopping, but lately it has turned into a full blown storm with thunder and lighting beating against the top of my head, I was about to face my worse fear. I felt dizzy and my stomach was doing back flips. Everything inside of me was screaming don't get on the plane.

    The airports was packed full of travelers, it was exactly nine o'clock on Friday morning, and my flight was boarding. There where several people in line in front of me, all of them wearing one of two expressions. One, was excitement, these people where probably on there way to Texas for a vacation, or to spend time with friends and family. Two, was absolute boredom, people that were going on business trips, or perhaps on there way home from a vacation.  My face on the other hand reflected nothing but pure terror, I could tell since everyone that looked my way did a double take, pulled there bags closer and sped up. I'm sure no one wanted to witness me have an episode, which was very close to happening. The prospect of flying thousands of feet in the air and hundreds of miles per hour scared me senseless. I was the only one who really understood this line only lead to our early deaths.   

     But still however scary the flight was it didn't hold a candle to the reason I was flying to begin with. My mother, Pamela had a stroke of genius, while she went in rehab for the second time, I was to live with my godparents in a tiny Texas town that could hardly be consider to existence. Ten years ago my father passed away, and since then my Mother hasn't been very well put together, she lost our house, her job, and gained an affinity for alcohol. The first time she was in rehab the godparent card wasn't available, so I had spent two months in a group home. I was eleven at the time, and my mom had totally forgotten about my twelfth birthday, I mean really totally forgotten she didn't bother to call or write , or acknowledge it in anyway. To this day I'm pretty sure she still has no clue she missed it. My previous stay in the foster care system had a tole on my mother and I, we haven't been the same since. I knew that was the reason for the whole godparent arrangement, she knew another stay in a group home would probably end things for us. My godparents were my aunt Grace and her husband who's name I cant remember. They are basically strangers, so the idea of living with them is among all things a nightmare. Although It must be a little better than a group home, I would give them that.

Author's Note

Which is better? Which one makes you want to keep reading?

Reviews

[Sara Boepple]

I like the first-person version better, because it is more immediate. I think the character has a real voice in the first-person. However it can be limiting, down the line...like if you want to show the Aunt and Uncle stressing over how to treat Lonnie, or if you have other plot elements that Lonnie isn't "present" for. Good luck. I want to keep reading!!

[Rain (Notebook)]

I personally like the first person version. :)