This Muddled Mess Of Me

Inspired by Poppy's fabulous poem Air the Rot Lest I Decay Rapidly

Look deeper if you dare, if you care.
I am broken, damaged, smouldering with pain.
Boot strap pick up and I act my day away
while people barely look up.

Even the simple business of living is complex.
Am I more than my pain? The beauty
around me is dulled and oily.
I cannot simply shake it off like a wet dog.

I hide things out of necessity but they are not secrets.
They are fear,anxiety and depression that I shove down my gullet
and while I choke on them I am still able to make a pithy
observation or tell an original joke, they think I am funny and smart.

So much of me they see is a mask,
for if they saw me from the inside out
they would cover their eyes and pray
to a higher being or bury me undisclosed.

Suffering cannot be measured quantitatively
and there is no qualitative scale,
I once thought I was seeking happiness
but realize now contentment will do.

The safest way for me purge this blackness is to write
like the girl in the red shoes, make my fingers bleed and accept
that my life did not turn out the way I thought or in a manner I foolishly believed I deserved.
All the ingredients for success were there but the oven was on too high for too long.

And as the specter of time hangs over me
it neither declares itself friend or foe so I ignore it,
and hope that I have bought enough of it to try again
and straighten out this muddled mess of me.

Reviews

[annalysiar]

Its vulnerable and in that good. Exquisite actually. Sharp. I like it

[icelandicblue]

Ah yes, I remember writing this one. Thank you again.

[annalysiar]

You're welcome

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

As writers, I think we are naturally more reflective; and the older we get, the more reflective we become. I was recently thinking along these same lines myself. To look back on life and see little of consequence can be so depressing. Sadly, 95% of us will never know much less reach our highest potential. Accepting the gravity of the fall can be so self-defeating. I think the trick is to keep our eyes on the stars. They shine as a beacon to remind us that there is a silver lining.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you so much Linda. It's nice to see you on the site. I'm currently getting an additional teaching certification so I've been straight out writing a paper a week. I hope to return to poetry soon. I think this was written at a particularly low point. Things are better. I thank you for your thoughts.

[Pryde Foltz]

And as the specter of time hangs over me
it neither declares itself friend or foe so I ignore it,
and hope that I have bought enough of it to try again
and straighten out this muddled mess of me.

Anne, this write is so personal and so poignant. I think I know exactly from where you speak. The only word of advice I can offer is don't be a victim of your own thoughts. Seriously when the suffering starts to mess things up … shut those thoughts down. Much Love:)

[AprilRN1210]

To find those who take the time and attention to look deeper is rare.. to find those who care enough to try and understand is even more rare.. at the same time, we often don't want to look deeper inside of our own self, afraid of what we might see.. knowing what "mess" is down there.. We become so conditioned and used to putting on that mask/act for everyone else that we actually start to believe it.. it is easier... less painful... The fifth stanza is the one that hit me the hardest.. it cannot be measured.. nor is there one fix all.... "but realize now contentment will do."..... to achieve this.. we have to be happy with ourselves.. that takes looking, understanding, and accepting what it is that is in that darkened depth.. wouldn't it be easier if we could click those red shoes together and everything be ok?.. I think a lot of us can relate to writing helping us purge until we can find a way to straighten out that mess.. amazing writing as usual.. I loved this..

[icelandicblue]

The red shoes sound perfect. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

And what a beautiful mess you are my friend… this crazy thing we call life can tear down even the strongest of souls.

[icelandicblue]

Oh you...thanks ; )

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

Yes I am me, you're welcome.

[MsJewel]

"This muddled mess of me"...words I can relate to. I belive we all wear masks at one time or another - wanting the intimacy of someone to see beyond that mask and yet, do we really? Perhaps not...perhaps that mask is our security blanket our protection.

As the spector of time hangs over me,
it neither declares itself friend or foe so I ignore it...
How true this is...it is so much easier to ignore something than face the reality...(perhaps that is why I write).
Your words have touched me - and left me thinking...

:) Julie

[icelandicblue]

Thank you so much for reading and for your response. We are complex beings and most of that complexity takes place in the solitude of our minds.

[Rene Salinas]

It is interesting to see how you speak of masks, I would think most are unaware that they are using them and furthermore they say to themselves "I do not wear masks" "what you see is what you get" as I sign for honesty when in fact to most off us the masks wears us as we require conciousness to be aware we are asleep to the fact. From then on the writing continues in the same vein whereby every sign of discovery will require a good effort to be understood. The constant pain, the senselss suffering, the semi - precence that seems to hang about clouding our daily skies.

Have I been forsaken? One could wonder or is it that behind every challenge there is something significant to be learnt?

Thankyou

[icelandicblue]

Ah Rene your insights never cease to amaze me. The mask wears us is a perfect example. Very often my masks help my insides from falling out onto the ground. Without them life would be messier than it already is. And yet, I have learned much about the world, those around me and myself because of the pain I have endured. I would also say with complete candor that sometimes it has not been worth it and I would give up the pain and live without the lesson. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Lyn Anderson]

This so beautifully describes the outer face we put on as we struggle with our internal turmoil.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you, I think the human race does the facade better than the actual construction of self. All those philosophers warned us life would be hard...but who really believes them until it happens. Thanks so much KL.

[Matching Socks]

Awww, I cannot begin to tell you how much this has moved me.
Wonderful words that ring so true for too many people.
We should all look a little deeper. To truly know someone.

[icelandicblue]

I do think it's a universal struggle to meld the outer with the inner. Blessed is the person who can do it. Thanks so much Ana.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Ice, we are a flock of messy humans, aren't we? I was just thinking of all my inadequacies and my failures...how to take a chance and rise above them? I've made a mess of my professional potential, and I sit here writing poetry, not knowing what else to do. I can completely identify with this poem. You write amazing, powerfully raw pieces full of truth and self castigation. It's quite scary how similar we are...

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Bright Ocean Star. Being human is messy business. I appreciate your honesty. I think a lot of us are in this boat together.