I Can't Stop You From Dying

I am helpless because
we are hopelessly lost
in a forest so black
I can no longer see your old face.
You wear a mask so expertly placed.

I want so desperately to see you
as you once were but that boy is gone.
You can bring him to life to suit your needs
but I now realize he is dead, he lives only
in my memory. How do I bury him?

You are still flesh and blood
a doppelganger of my child so
I  let you into my
heart and you continue to shred it
without a blade in hand.

But I can't let you go despite
the lies and the betrayals.
I wonder if there is any love
left in your heart or have drugs
dissolved all that we had. They
have eroded the life I once loved.

The pain I live resides in each breath
and I know I cannot stop you from dying,
so I wait for the call to come and
identify your body, the boy who looks like you,
and I wonder if you will ever be at peace.

And I will remain fractured in this hell for the rest of my days
looking at photos and videos into my dotage waiting
for death because the best of my life resided in you-
and I couldn't stop you from dying
for a mother's tears have no power here.

Reviews

[Dr. Wood ?]

wow.....From the very depths, this one.....Must feel good to let it out

[icelandicblue]

It's cathartic, if I let myself it might be the only thing I write about. Thanks Dr. Wood for reading and commenting.

[Clockwork]

Few poems on WC have spoken to my heart as much as this one has. You open the doors of yourself and bring us into the pain of this experience.

"and I couldn't stop you from dying
for a mother's tears have no power here."

Absolutely profound and devastating.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you clockwork. For me this is as real as it gets. I appreciate your response to this. Thank you.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this one just tore me apart---where is that boy i once knew and loved....drugs just destroy!

[icelandicblue]

I keep looking for him no matter what I say in this poem. I want him back or at least a close facsimile because drug use changes you forever. Thanks jacob.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

So powerful, and heavy... I'm emotionally drained after reading this one, but in a good way. What struck me most was the honesty here; the emotions poured onto the page like blood and sweat and tears. The last two lines threw my stomach into loops...haunting and painful, but beautiful in the tragedy. Little to say about this one save that I was moved by it completely.

[icelandicblue]

Oh thank you Sarah. It's all tragic but I am hoping there is no final act in my lifetime. Drug abuse affects everyone and those who have it in their lives walk around like shells of their former selves. The phone ringing causes my breath to become shallow and my heart to beat fast. It is no way for anyone to live. Thank you for your kind words.

[Baby Ricochet]

Wow blue. This is some heavy stuff. Great, heart felt piece.

[icelandicblue]

Yes, heavy is the right word. Thanks so much for reading BR.

[Traci]

Such a powerful write. I admire the strength and courage it takes to pen such personal thoughts. My heart bleeds for every parent who feel this kind of pain. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers as this write resonates deep within my heart and soul. Stay strong, Anne.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Traci, We are trying. I appreciate you words of support. Thank you.

[shallimarRose]

Anne... This is so heartfelt and powerful. I cannot hold back the emotions this has evoked in me. A mother should never have to watch her children suffer need it be through illness, or of their own doing. We raise then , we nurture them and then we have no choice but to let them ride their own mark in the world.. My heart bleeds for every parent who suffers with this... I can't say too much more here but that I too have known this pain. You are very brave to share your heart and soul.. shallimarRose

[icelandicblue]

Thank you so much Rose. It seems many carry this burden.

[shallimarRose]

HUGGS! xoxo

[Frieda P]

I can't keep my composure after reading Anne, you've tackled my heart and soul with this one. I know all too well the heartache and pain that goes along with this....I can't say much, you are never far from my thoughts and now you own my tears...x

[icelandicblue]

Thanks Frieda, I know how hard this is to read. I cried the entire time I wrote it. I would lay down my life for him but even that won't save him. My weekend "away" made me see things in a different light as the chaos followed me forcing me to return early. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to protect myself.

[Frieda P]

I feel your pain, there are no clear cut answers to this somber tragedy, if affects everyone concerned. I have to hold onto that hope and light or I'll go insane myself, I can't possibly let go...wish I had the words, but I know there are none.

[icelandicblue]

I will always hold onto hope. I just realize it's his journey and he's not going to change till the day he wants to. He's in detox right now but I question his motives...he may just need a place to sleep or he may be serious. It's just getting worse and I realize I have to adopt a touch love stance because I have enabled him and I am loving him to death. It's the hardest thing I've ever attempted and I am not sure I can do it.

[icelandicblue]

tough love stance

[Frieda P]

The reality of it so cruel I know...I wish, I wish so many things, I don't know what to say at this point anymore....x

[icelandicblue]

I don't either. I am truly spent.

[redflutterby]

This hit me hard Anne... My heart aches for you. I don't know what its like to see your son this way. But I do know what its like to watch other family members go through it. My brother in law is the closest example. All the pain and chaos he inflicted with his addiction. His parents died years ago and his family gave up not longer after. It was that or continue to be drug through the never ending rampage. Surprisingly he's still here...after years of rock bottom. And every time the phone rings late at night they wonder is this the call...

Wish it wasn't this way hun.... But it is out of our hands sometimes. Much love....

[icelandicblue]

I am trying to let go and to realize that I am powerless to stop it. It goes against every fiber of my being but I have been running around for four years trying to save him and he's only gotten worse. In the interim I am killing myself. I am learning that nothing will change until he wants it to change, otherwise i am beating my head against a wall. I have sacrificed family, my other children, my husband, friends and my financial future and I can't do it anymore. He's in detox right now but I don't know if he means it or if he just needs a bed. I'm so afraid I'm going to get a phone call at the end of the week that he didn't go onto rehab and he'll expect me to fix it for him with money and shelter. I can no longer do it. It is an awful way to live. Thank you for the support.

[redflutterby]

You're welcome hun...and everything you say is so true. I saw what it did to my mother in law. We had a falling out just months before she died because of my bil. It made me so sad...after she died all he cared about was what he was going to get. That made me sick...especially because I would have done anything for him if he would have gotten clean. But it never happened. Sigh...

[Rachel Anderson]

The last line was especially powerful. Death is such a sad thing that no force can stop. Well done.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Rachel. You are right death is a force unto itself.