Against The HourGlass

Her few words hung and
dripped like candle wax,
creating intricate patterns
upon long bouts of silence.

Speeches were useless-
unnecessary diatribes
filling uninhabited space,
overcrowding destitute minds.

She knew the value of a handful
of well-placed phrases,
each a puzzle piece, positioned correctly,
conveyed an abundance of meaning.

Brevity, for everything worthwhile
was paired against the hourglass,
leaving so little time to fritter away
just to hear the timbre of her own voice.

Reviews

[Kristin Lee]

What melencholy and yet such passion. This feels like the voice of depression. A dark passenger quietly taking the wheel. Your words flow beautifully together drawing the eyes towards the end. Though I am not one to read poetry out loud, it literally made me want to hear my own voice...just to make sure I still had one. Very well done.

[icelandicblue]

What a beautiful review. I am humbled by that.

[MOON]

A few relevant or well thought out words is better than hot air so to speak. Love your turn if phrase . Lovely write.

[icelandicblue]

Ha! Thanks so much.

[David Scott]

I don't know why I must smile at this. You really hit a truth here.
My favorite line was actually the line that puts it all in perspective.
"Brevity, for everything worthwhile"
Thank you for the gift of your time here. The read was brief and worthwhile!

[icelandicblue]

And thank you for your review. I am happy you liked the poem.

[Baby Ricochet]

Good one. Love the last stanza

[icelandicblue]

Thanks so much for reading. Glad you liked it.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Icelandicblue

I wished to come back to you, my friend, and spend some time reading more of your writing and in so doing to help rather than hinder you in, I hope, constructive and measured balance.

You know me well enough to understand how I tend to review.

In counter fashion to the brevity of your poem and to which it refer (however often I look at the definition of the word 'brief' in a dictionary) the meaning only ever seems to apply in how I write but not in how I review - that with a smile at my own expense. I write brief but review long!

So to my review:

1) Structure: Four stanzas of four lines each. Whatever style might be formally applied to the form means little to me. It immediately lends the whole a semblance of carefully thought through shape. Four quatrains:

2) Rhymes: No defined structure. But reading carefully and also out loud, I hear a degree of neat, yet loose, internal rhyme, nonetheless powerful for being sporadic.

3) Rhythm: Ah now here this is plenty, albeit with no strict pattern. There is no need to read out loud to feel a steady and endearing beat.

4) Punctuation and grammar. You have chosen to punctuate full and normally. Whilst often not observed by others in their writing (not a fault just a valid observation) I find that full punctuation is often a more elegant way of approaching a poem. A personal Bravo!

5) Vocabulary / allusion: There is an immediate richness in your mode of self expression. Well chosen deep and meaningful words often in allusion which enhance the attraction of the piece.

Words like: 'diatribes' 'destitute' 'fritter' 'timbre'

Allusions to 'candle wax' and 'hour glass'

6) Meaning and favourite / relevant lines:

This is one of those pieces where I find you as writer to add a degree of the opaque to their poem. You do not assist the reader with any form of explanation. Rather, as with any poem in a published anthology, you leave the reader to their own devices.

The meaning is yours to own.

It is for the reader not so much to try and guess your meaning, but in the end place on the poem their own meaning however unrelated to the writer's actual intention.

So how do I read this piece?

I think I shall avoid guessing yours but instead apply the breaks and figure my own reaction. I shall comment on each stanza in turn.

First stanza:

'Her few words hung and
dripped like candle wax,
creating intricate patterns
upon long bouts of silence'.

Apart from the beauty of the words and the elegance of the allusion, what words, patterns and silences are you talking about? Unclear on first read. Perhaps on that read I as reader hope that the meaning will become clearer as the poem progresses.

But my immediate reaction?: 'Either in oral speech or in writing your words are few, intricate against a backdrop of the otherwise silent'. You draw me in to find answers.

Second Stanza:

'Speeches were useless-
unnecessary diatribes
filling uninhabited space,
overcrowding destitute minds'.

Again speeches whilst they are often oral often originate in written form. So are you talking written or oral? I see the former in your meaning or at least in my interpretation.

When I review I often want to look at dictionary definitions of word to find, enhance meaning. There are two key words in this stanza and this is a dictionary definition of each:

Diatribe: A bitter or violent criticism or attack; denunciation;

Destitute: Lacking something: lacking a particular quality

So you say attack is useless against those who are lacking in quality?

So what sort of attack against whom is useless?

Third stanza:

'She knew the value of a handful
of well-placed phrases,
each a puzzle piece, positioned correctly,
conveyed an abundance of meaning'.

Here you seem to suggest that be it oral or written one delivers more meaning by saying less.

The more circumspect, the more meaningful.

By contrast volume may simply be long winded ill thought through attack.

Less is more.

But in being so well worded, you also seek to puzzle!

Clearly by now you mean this poem to be a puzzle difficult to elucidate.

Together with your pointed, well selected words you seek to occupy higher ground than meaningless lengthy words from those who may seek to be aggressive.

Fourth and last stanza:

'Brevity, for everything worthwhile
was paired against the hourglass,
leaving so little time to fritter away
just to hear the timbre of her own voice.'

Here either you seek to confuse most or rather I end up feeling rather more confused as a reader. Instead of resolving your own puzzle in the end, you leave your final words hanging to keep the reader guessing.

My own inference?

There is something of the colloquial 'I would have made this shorter, had I had the time'.

Writing longer can take less time than keeping your words brief.

As a piece of self-critique, I often feel my writing takes more time to perfect it and make every word count, rather more than in my reviews which are long because I do not apply the same rule.

I do not thereby mean to imply that my reviews are less heartfelt and meaningful. It is just that they adopt different approaches.

So brevity, which takes some time allows you the opportunity to achieve quality or depth in writing?

Definition of timbre: Musical tone quality: the quality or colour of tone of an instrument or voice.

The key to timbre and to the whole of this piece therefore is writing long doesn't take that much time and is lower in quality and higher in quantity than the deliberately brief.

But still I wonder at your meaning.

Is this a generic reference which compares what you do to what others do?

Or is it a specific reference to how others behalf be it on this writing site or any other.

I would not wish to ascribe the latter meaning to your poem. I cannot say. But it must at least be the former.

I agree with the former sentiment, however much I may adhere to it in my own writing, but fail to do it in my reviews.

However my reviews never represent diatribes or 'violent criticism'

They seek rather to be balanced and where adversely critical carry with the comment a tenderness and a duty of care to the writer whom I wish to assist in review rather than hinder.

7) Overview: A richly worded piece of brevity which actually achieves the rule that the whole poem seeks to teach. I find it well worded and attractive. As for meaning, I have said what I am able to say and no more. But in its most generic the words are not lost on me.

And in this I find a mastery which in its opaqueness and brevity may serve a better purpose than the long and entirely clear.

It is its own brief puzzle to pick up your own words.

I hope you find some merit in this review, which at the least gives you one single reader's personal reaction.

In all friendship


James Hanna-Magill

[icelandicblue]

Oh James you honor me with such an in depth and rich review. You also ascribe much more complexity to me than I deserve. Yes, I do think sometimes less is more especially when people don't listen we tend to fly into speeches and diatribes in the hopes that we might convince them of our stance. I refer to the puzzle pieces, not to confuse, but to say that when the right words are joined deep meaning can be garnered from them. The more shrill we become the harder we are to hear. I do think that at times is takes more effort to choose our words carefully. The right words can hold much power and much attention. The timbre of her voice may be beautiful but sometimes we speak solely to hear ourselves do so. I can be quite verbose and I have the ability to pontificate- just ask my children- yet I have found that I am most often heard when my tone is soft and my words are picked with precision.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment. I promise to get back to Split and share my thoughts with you.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Icelandicblue, My pleasure and thank you for your reaction to my commentary which gives me a clearer notion of your own notion behind the piece. Pity I don't observe your rule in my reviews (cough lol), James

[icelandicblue]

LOL James, you wouldn't be you if you did. ; )

[KeeD]

Her words bring solace to many a confused mind, without wasting time it feels like she captured and intertwined me till I could actually hear her voice.. only to realize it was my own reading your poem. Great job, the way you've written this sucks the reader in and its brilliant

[icelandicblue]

Hi Keegan1 Good to see you. Thank you so much for that lovely review.

[SamanthaSweeney]

The imagery and figurative language in this is amazing !
The first stanza is captivating, loved it !
The power of language indeed.

[icelandicblue]

Thanks so much for the read and the comment. I will be sure to check out some of your work.

[SamanthaSweeney]

My pleasure :D Thank you !

[redflutterby]

Mind what you say and the time that is always ticking away. There's sadness in this poem as well as an important lesson. Sooner or later we run out of time...

[icelandicblue]

Time is finite...we just don't really believe that all of the time. Thanks so much.

[KAOlmsted]

I started cutting to paste my favorite lines and had to stop because I realized I was about to cut and paste the whole damn thing in the review box xD That first stanza, though...hoo-doggy...that was killer. You killed. Wicked pissah xD

[icelandicblue]

Aw thanks kimmer. You have made my day. There is no higher praise if you're from Boston. ; )

[KAOlmsted]

I know ;-) (said the formerly Massive Two S***s'ed xD) I lived in Adams County...frequented the Holyoke Mall...yeah, I'm all cool like that xD

My pleasure blue...this one stuck to my ribs ;-)

[icelandicblue]

OMG- I was at that mall many times when I was in college. Six degrees baby!

[KAOlmsted]

I was there in 1980...funny enough, we had NY plates on our car because we had just moved and we found it on fire one night in our driveway...turns out our neighbors didn't take too kindly to New Yorkers and decided to set our car on fire with a NY State map xD

ALSO...it was at the Friendlys on the bottom floor of the Holyoke Mall that I had my first bowl of NE Chowdah ;-)

I f*****g LOVE Massachusetts, dude.

[icelandicblue]

They've closed a lot of the Friendlys around here and I really miss it. They still have their headquarters off the Mass Pike with the topiary Friendly bushes.

Hah- seriously, they set your car on fire. WTF- we only did that if you moved the barrel in our parking space after it snowed. I am pretty partial to the state myself and the chowder is awesome. Seriously Manhattan choweder??? That's probably why they set your car on fire. There is a chowderfest in Boston that is awesome. Come on up!

[KAOlmsted]

I actually worked at a Friendlys in Binghamton (NY, duh *laugh*) when I was, what...17? No such beast on the west coast or down south here...shame they're closing. Where I grew up in Liverpool (just outside Syracuse, NY) we used to hit the Friendlys weekly, but only for ice cream ;-) I didn't even know they served food-food til we went east to MA xD

I hate Man Clam...blech...NE Chow is where it's at ;-)

I would love to come back up. Tell me, without making me want to punch the wall, is legal seafood still beckoning???

xoxo

[icelandicblue]

Oh yes it is. It is alive and kicking. I'll meet you there anytime!

[KAOlmsted]

Deal ;-) I love Legal...love love love it. Let's invite Frieda too :-D

[icelandicblue]

Sounds good!

[ChemicalMadness]

A lovely commentary on the value of economy. Some great lines here, I especially like the impact of few words leaving indelible marks (candlewax). Makes you consider what you say and hope the patterns you leave behind are also beautiful in their intricacy.....

CM.

[icelandicblue]

If only I could practice what I preach! Thanks a lot, I'm glad you like it.