The Rain

This is a something I wrote, with a thunderstorm in the background, and a lovely lady in the foreground. Something I've thought about a lot, is someone waiting to dance in the rain, waiting, so much that they can wait forever. That's what this poem is b

Trickled down her face,

Like dew drops on a flower,

She loves to love,

Men do adore her.

 

Moves like an angel,

Acts like a God,

Break her fall,

When she tries to jump.

 

Looks like a siren,

As dark as the night,

Her hair like a veil,

She waits for it to come.

 

Waiting at a covered bridge,

For her true love again,

Don't take her back,

She's waited forever.

 

Then it breaks and her wait is over,

She runs, abounds,

Spirits befall her,

But she is happy,

The rain has come again.

Author's Note

Anything you have to say is appreciated.
If you think my writing is utter rubbish, I ask you to say so politely without using any foul language.
Thank you.

Reviews

[This Page Does Not Exis..]

Oh, Sushanth. The goosebumps covering my body, don't even compare to how this poem made me feel. It is so beautifully abstract, and delicate. This truly is a lovely piece. Certainly not rubbish :)

Trickled down her face,

Like dew drops on a flower,

She loves to love,

Men do adore her.
--- This first stanza is perfect in grabbing an audiences attention. "Like dew drops on a flower", beautiful image words to not only relay how you feel about her...but also to bring in the "rain" to your piece...


Moves like an angel,

Acts like a God,

Break her fall,

When she tries to jump.
-- I love this piece, not just for the way in which you magnify this woman's persona, but it also shows a deep, inner lying vulnerability in your character. It ALSO, shows an observant, patient and sensitive narrator. To even notice such details says a lot about they way the narrator must feel about her. This poem is clearly about rain and what not, but SHE inspired the correlation between the two....and she, in embracing the rain....shows a deep spiritual bond with her surroundings. (sigh) I love this.


Looks like a siren,

As dark as the night,

Her hair like a veil,

She waits for it to come.
-- I love the element of suspense, in the last line. She sounds like a gorgeous, seduction, beautifully-broken object-of-desire...and then she waits for "it" to come....certainly grasps an audiences attention. Wonderful.


Waiting at a covered bridge,

For her true love again,

Don't take her back,

She's waited forever.



Then it breaks and her wait is over,

She runs, abounds,

Spirits befall her,

But she is happy,

The rain has come again.


Sushanth, this is magnificent. I cannot wait to read the rest of your work. I love any writing that is beautiful, pure and contains nature. This, is certainly a piece I love. Thank you for sharing.


Truly,
Nancy

[Amanda Naomi]

well this is not rubbish. i for one always love the image of someone being freed by the rain or while its raining. rain is a release that few people can understand.

now for the constructive critiscism:
i feel that you are playing it safe. using words that won't offend, the first words that come to mind. it feels ameturish. you use small words such as "like". it is such an overused word that we often forget the meaning of the word, and it lessens the impact of your words.

something i learned to do was to have a list of "dead" words. its just a list of words that are plain, boring and overused. and then when i am writing i challenge myself to not use those words. sometimes it is impossible, but i find that usually just a simple rewording of a line can change the whole strength of the poem or any piece of work.

think about it and if you try it, send me a note and let me know how it went. you have some raw talent and i would like to see it be tenderized, marinated, cooked, and devoured by a mound of hungry school girls....or some other analogy that describes raw talent developing........:D

--Amanda Naomi