The Fight~Katie~

A chill was running down my spine and i could hear my heart racing with every step I took. I was scared of what was going to happen and what's already happened. I wanted to curl up in someones arms and be told everything was going to be all right, But i couldn't if i wanted to save Kelly. I had a feeling of were she was, every Monday she babysits a little girl named Clair,  Kelly was supsoed to be home about an hour ago but sense she isnt she has to around there. I made a left on Century Avenue and when i turned the corner i saw what seemed to  be Clair in an ally with two men but i didn't see Kelly. I ran down to her as fast as i could thanking myself for doing track  8 years in a row. I couldn't even feel my feet as they pounded against the assfault road. When i got closer i saw Kelly mouth taped up and two men slapping her and laughing while Clair sat in a corner crying her eyes out. I froze at the sight of Kelly. Her eyes were like raccoons with her mascara running down her cheeks. She was covered in bruises and her lip was bleeding. her face was all red and she was cut on the arm. I charged towards one of the men and jumped on top of him. I threw everything I got but then two more men came. I was surrounded by four gruesome men. One who wore a bandanna and Had a stubby mustache. He seemed really slim and weak, the guy next to him had a huge bear belly and was bald. he seemed drunk and was laughing, the guy next to him was very muscular and had his hair slicked back, the final guy was wearing glasses and covered in tattoos. I was scared and my heart was racing.I went for the guy with glasses and broke them in half hoping he would have a problem seeing.A spurt of energy came  upon me and I jumped on the weak one. ! scratched at his face and riped his skin untill bllod pored put. I glanced to my left and saw Kelly fighting the beer belly man who seemed to have no effect by it. A hand grabbed my shoulder and the strong man tore me off. he pinned me against the wall and cut my arm with a knife. I looked past him and Kelly was on the floor screaming and still in the corner was the little girl crying. I flinched at the smile covering the face of the guy pinning me to the wall. In the distance i heard the tatoo man discussing what he was going to do with us. He ,mentioned somting about throwing us in a river after he rustles us up. My fist tightened and i was about to try to throw a punch but all the sudden i saw three guys run up beside us and start attacking the men. I knew these guys from around campus. we never talked but only caught each others glances here and there. They were all on the basketball team. There names were Cory Pete and Kyle. Cory was 6'3 and the only African American there. All of them  had outstanding bodies and a boyish charm but Kyle caught my eye. He Had brown shaggy hair that was neatly done. His eyes were at first green but turned Hazel when the sun hit them. i kept on fighting and took on the weak guy who may look weak but definatly wasnt. Kyle started helping me and and we worked together.

"Katie right,"

"mmhhmmm"

"you need to go get the other two girls its to dangerous for you guys.

i turned around and saw Kelly lying down barley awake, And Clair was next to her.I helped Kelly up and got her to the side walk, the sirens were off in a distance but didn't know where we were. i gave Clair my phone and told her to call the police. i ran back into the ally and i saw one guy down. then a gun fire was shot the police were here and shot the bald man in the leg. i flinched two the loud boom and screamed. All the guys lifted there hands I froze in fear. Before i knew it i saw the tattoman reach into his pocket and step my way. He grabbed my and held a gun to my head. As tghiss happened sweat was dripping down my faceee along with tears trickling out of my eyes.

"now no one moves or i shoot her, i want you all to put your weapons down and your hands up so i can see them." the guy said and chuckled. At this point all the reporters were here filming. i was quivering with fright but i knew how all of these situations ended, BAD. I had an idea to grab the gun out of his hands and shoot his leg but i didn't know how successful i would be. he was pulling me back and heading for his car. i knew i had to do something. i then got a spurt of energy and went for it.  i twisted his hand and pulled the gun away and it worked. i stood there with a gun in my hand unable to shoot him. i quivered and my teeth were chatering.  all the police officers ran in and cuffed all the guys. two of the officers jumped on the tatoo guy and pinned him to the floor. i soon felt a tingle in my arm. It started to feel realy heavy and the pain was ecruciating. i started screaming that my arm was burning, and then my sight went black. i started falling twords the pavement but kyles arms broke my fall.

Author's Note

ok be honest and corrct what neds to be fixed and ooo tel me what need work

Reviews

[Hannah!]

Again, you have a lot of mechanical, spelling and grammar type problems (which is always an immediate turn off for me when it comes to reading a story), but I like this chapter so much better than the last one I reviewed (which I think is just this one edited, haha) that I don't quite know how to express it. It's by no means perfect, but you've done a really good job of establishing Katie as a character, although no one acts the same in situations like these as they do in real life. Her reaction alone spoke volumes--and I like the story SO much more when it's told in first person. You've got a much, much stronger voice in first person.

There were times when the description seemed out of place. The description of Clair in the middle of Katie's running sequence was distracting and unnecessary. Describe both Clair and Kelly when Katie gets to them. It's important, too, to keep from slowing down the scene with your description of people. Typically, you don't seem to have that problem, but there were times when I thought you could easily combine the description and the action, if you tried to.

The story starts off strongly, but it sort of falls apart towards the end. To a certain extent, this produces a very desirable effect--I'd guess that Katie's beginning to get a bit overwhelmed by the chaos around her, so the chaos in your narration gives what I'm sure is an accurate representation of Katie's feelings. All the same, it's too loose and all over the place to really be fun to read--I notice that you have even more mechanical errors towards the end, and you seem to be losing track of everyone in the scene.

And when Katie is taken as a hostage? I don't think you gave it enough...attention, I guess you'd say. You do an excellent job of describing how Katie feels, but not so much how the bad guy gets from point A to point B and manages to kidnap her. Your motion is all garbled up and falling over itself, and even if Katie IS confused, it's not good to confuse the reader, too. I really didn't like that effect. I felt like I had to read the whole thing over several times just to get a clear picture of what happened.

The dialogue seems unnecessary, too. The short greeting slows down the action, and seems very out of place, all things considered. I hardly think that Kyle would want to chat. It does create a certain sense of camaraderie, but this isn't your childhood playground fight. This is a life or death situation. I like that Kyle told her to get out of the way (though the sentence was awkwardly phrased). I think you should limit it to that. This scene doesn't NEED dialogue. It really doesn't. It's interesting enough without it, and really, dialogue only slows down the action, which is the main part of the scene. Dialogue is important, but I think you should limit it here.

Really, this story is already getting way better. I do like the character you've established with Katie--she seems interesting and engaging, and just timid enough to be realistic without being a wimpy, damsel-in-distress type of girl. Way to go!