The phone call

"Katie Cullen has been murdered but the body has still not been found," Is what the headlines of the Chicago tribune will say in 10 months but that day hasn't come yet and it is only February 5, 2012.

Katie was out getting some smoothies at smoothie paradise. The local juice shop were all the teens go. She had just graduated her junior year of collage ands majoring in fashion and design at pepperdine collage.  Katie is a dirty blonde when her hair hits the sun it sparkles in the light revealing its natural highlights. Her green eyes are like 2 ponds of emeralds waiting to be awakened from he stillness, but when you look deeper they look like a racing river smashing up against rocks and tumbling over everything in its path. when she smiles it reviles hear pearly White teeth and they sparkle forcing everyone around her to smile as well. Her skin tone has a golden crisp to it from the California sun. her physic is considered perfect and elegant. people stare as she walks down the hallway.Next to Katie is her cousin Jacqueline. She has shimmering curls of hair down to her shoulders. Her brunet colored hair Sparkles in the night. Her eyes are pools of blue and her smile is eye catching. Her nose is covered in a frolic of freckles that lighten her up. When the two girls are together they are called twilight two. Katie is said to have the looks of Rosalie but the personality of Ali while Jacqueline is said to have have the looks of Alice but the personality of Bella. 

           Jacqueline was in the middle of ordering her her mango twist when she received a phone call. She pulled her 3 year old i phone out of her apple bottom jeans pocket and saw the caller id read Kelly. Kelly was Katie's neighbor sense kindergarten and moved away. Surprisingly the 3 of them became roommates in collage at pepperdine . Kelly's is a cherryblonde with side swept bangs. she got has a petite physic and pale skin covered in freckles. Her eyes are the most beautiful blue that you can think of. They are richer then Jacqueline who's are like a gray blue but hers are a rich hers are like the hole ocean. 

           When Jacqueline put the phone on speaker all that you could hear was an ear piercing shriek and a man saying "you b***h who did you cal," and then it went fuzzy. Jacqueline called the police in a panic but Katie was taking off out the door with a fierce river look in her eyes.

Author's Note

I cant seem to make this come alive i don't know how to use dialog or how to change into Katie's perspective and the guys. HELP!!!

Reviews

[Hannah!]

This is an exciting start--a very interesting and eye-catching opening line, and the excitement of the story carries through throughout the whole piece. I am inclined to wonder why you give away the ending in the first sentence; it is an excellent hook, but the whole chapter is so fast-paced and exciting that there's no reason for you to depend on such a plot-spoiling hook--I've really never understood the reason behind giving the whole story away in one go.

Or perhaps it's only a twist and I am just being a goofball.

You DID have a lot of typos in this chapter, too many of them to be typos, really. It's always a good idea to run a chapter through spellcheck before you submit it. I've always had a hard time remembering that--there's this feeling when you finish a chapter, like you're SO EXCITED about it that you don't think it matters if the spelling is good (and understand that by 'you', I really mean whoever), but in truth, spelling and grammar do both matter, so...be more careful next time?

Sorry about the lecture.

Apart from the general mechanics of this chapter, I think this has a lot of potential to be a lot more than it currently is. Where it stands, it feels very rushed. I can understand that this is a feeling you'd WANT to create in a chapter like this one, but it seems rushed in the bad sense--like you were in a hurry when you wrote this chapter, and didn't take the time to develop the different parts before you plunged into the action. Speaking as a reader, I did not much care if Katie won the fight or not--I mean, I cared in a sort of cold and distant sense, but not like she was my friend, or like I'd grown to like her and really and truly cared about her as a character. Action is a great way to pull a reader in, but I would suggest expounding on the character of Katie more before you go straight to the action. Talk about her college years, her relationship with her friends, what was going on with Kelly--you leave a lot of unanswered questions, some of which are very cleverly placed, and some of which honestly just look like loose ends that you forgot to tie up in your rush to finish.

Overall, this was a decent start, but it has the potential to be much, much more. Tap into the characters' emotions--especially Katie's. Describe her surroundings! This is an excellent opportunity to give the readers an idea of who Katie is without being boring--characterization is most interesting when done through action or dialogue, and I really think you have a lot of opportunity to create a very solid pair of characters here. You haven't quite gotten there yet, I think--but you are seriously on the brink of something really and truly amazing.

At any rate, I'll be waiting eagerly for the next installment!

[JRB]

keep going, nice write good read,
Jan/uisiom

[TL Boehm]

actually reading for content and not for typos, the end at the beginning is often a useful vehicle for a story depending on how you handle it....all kinds of things can happen, the first thing that pops in my mind is mistaken identity - so it depends on how you want to go forward.
as for dialogue - it may sound silly but - take your characters - the main ones - sit down with a notebook or your pc and write EVERYTHING about them you can think of for at least two typed pages without editing, worrying about spelling or punctuation. From this you cement the characters, you get a bit of information on what they might say....and then just let them talk to you. That's the method I have used.

[Sharon Miller Bolander]

Your final line left me interested enough to be waiting for the next chapter. That's important!

I must ditto the previous remarks about spelling/grammar. Even spell check won't catch everything, but it would definitely be a start. It's good to familiarize yourself with homonyms (there-their, to-too-two, etc.). Too many errors will keep potential readers away.

Do keep writing!!

[Fran Marie]

A very good start indeed~ very nicely done~Fran Marie

[Jules]

This is really good, I liked it a lot. Watch out for grammar and spelling though, you had some typos, otherwise it's a good first chapter.