CAPTURE THE MOMENT 2

I captured a moment today.

We had had a long fight, a three day old fight and I made the decision to keep to myself. There is so much that goes on when a fight has ensued. For some it is talking, for others it is silence but for me it is a combination. Loud conversations in silence. I can talk as much as I want without saying anything. I ask myself questions- how did it happen, when did it happen, what did I do to trigger this and what could I have done better?

For my baby, it is the whys and the whys always point to me.; It happened because I did something, if I had done differently, maybe it wouldn't have. Sometimes I feel cheated, It feels unbalanced when I have to reflect without bias and my partner talks spontaneously. Do not get me wrong, speaking spontaneously is a good thing. It is better to say what you feel when you feel it so long as you are speaking in love.

So let me talk about this moment in time. We had listened to a podcast about change, and he was listening raptly, I was listening too my attention was right there but my mind was going in circles. While he pondered on how much I had changed, Iwondered why David killed five of sauls grand children, I wondered why he did not consider his spouse's feeling. Of course that is how my mind works, it wanders.

At the end of the podcast My love asked if I had anything to say and I did not say much. He said just what he had In mind about how I had changed, about how emotional I really was and how much of me I contain despite my emotional nature. He talked about how he had seen me look into utter space and how he tried to decipher what was going on in my head. As he spoke my mind travelled far away, I liked his black kaftan and how it blended with his skin, my baby's skin.
I liked the musk, it reminded me of when we had newly met- a moment I had captured with olfactory senses, everytime I perceive that fragrance, I am reminded of those first few weeks, the uncertainty, the fear mixed with tender loving care. Those were good memories that I will never regret having. By God's grace.

In a split moment my mind returned to him, I was supposed to pitch in, to talk about my emotions and to respond to his comment about how I had changed. I blinked and wondered if he had noticed the new change, the new normal, the one that came as an offshoot of the three day fight. Alot changed after the fight, I had a deep conversation with myself about it, I also talked to God and we agreed that we were finally going to do it the right way. The fight ended with two losses, I lost because I was wrong, he also lost because he did some wrong too but I gained insight and I learnt how the mind of a man works. I also learnt to love God first because when the chips are down he is the one who stays back to help you out. I made certain promises to God and one of them was to exalt his will above my feelings. That was a big change, God did not ask me to have this conversation with my baby and so when he talked about change, I looked into space and asked myself whether he knew about this change. My baby wants me to talk about how I feel, when I feel it and to feel free to go back to it if I have not done justice to a situation. I feel we will have clashes if we constantly express without listening, sometimes it is no use expressing if you understand the other person. Instead of responding, one could just maintain a calm demeanour and act accordingly.

I am still in that moment, my mind is full of words but I am silent, I tell my baby that I need to process the information I had received, I tell him how words travel from my ears to my mind and how they process themselves until it turns into feedback.
I take a mental snapshot of that thought, I capture the moment.