A letter to my ex

A Story by Ibekori

This all went down last night, and my personal feelings are here. I am not sending this to him, I just needed closure. Here is a little insider about it, he called me crazy because he cheated on me.

I really hope you're doing well. I really am starting to miss you, and regret starting a fight with you. I wanted to apologize for overreacting and annoying you. Okay, what you just read was a lie. Eric, I hope you're doing terrible. So you know how I felt, when this first happened, and when I found all this s**t out. I hope you're regretting all the lies and bullshit you've told me and put me through. I hope you go to sleep thinking about me, and saying to yourself, "I really wish I didn't let her go," because I felt like that at first. I still feel like there's something missing in my life. But me, I'm getting over this. I'm trying my best. I don't miss you like I want to. I want to just cry, and yell and run and just hate myself for doing this. But I'm glad I did. I'm glad that you did this to me, because if it wasn't for you doing this, I would've been even more upset. You may say that I'm a wreck, but if you think about it, its your fault. Whether or not you believe that, it is your fault. You were the one that did this to me in the first place, you hurt me once, and I was dumb enough to fall for your little game again. I thought, oh maybe he changed, but you didn't. You were still the same. And I believe that you still are.

I'm happy that you achieved your dream of becoming a U.S. Marine. But is it really like a Marine to not follow Semper Fi? What I'm saying is, Semper Fi, means always faithful/always loyal. Was flipping that story on me, and making me look bad really loyal and faithful? Think about that. I actually believed for a while that it was my fault that you left and gave up. But I'm taking in the fact that it WASN'T me. I did what anyone would've done, even you probably. If someone saw the person they loved, talking and flirting with other people, they'd be upset too. And maybe it wasn't my place, maybe it was your friend, or maybe it wasn't. But Eric, I told you how worried I was about losing you and that we wouldn't talk often. And we didn't. When you like someone or have feelings for them, you want to talk to them. That means starting the conversation yourself, not waiting for them to talk to you. I waited, and waited for you to message me, until I was done, and just messaged you. I hated doing that, because I felt like I was putting more into this 'thing' I wanted to believe was a healthy relationship, more than you were.

And Eric, I told you how much you meant to me. And you said you felt the same. You said that you missed me so much.. Well how comes you didn't message or talk to me before you left? Part of the reason I didn't date anyone while we were broken up, is because I still had feelings for you. I couldn't let go of the fact that you were going to come back. You said that you'd take me back eventually. Well look, I don't want you back. I have this love for you, that I shouldn't. But I do. And I know you don't feel the same, but I'm just fed up with this. I hate crying over you, I hate thinking that odds are, we won't talk again. Odds are, you're already moved on. You already have another girl. It sucks to know that someone you loved and never lied to, could hurt you so bad. It sucks that you have to live the rest of your life, with this part in your heart, for that someone that you know will never come back and feel the same. Even if you were to come back, we wouldn't have any relation outside of two strangers passing each other while driving. Maybe one of these days you'll try to talk to me, and apologize, or maybe you will actually have feelings for me. And maybe, I'll be moved on with my life, and not stuck in the shadows of the past. Maybe I won't be stuck on you, like I am now, regretting everything I had ever done wrong to you. Or what I thought was my fault, you will take into consideration and realize it was your fault.

What I'm getting at is that when we first met and started dating, I thought you were a perfect guy, sweet, kind, confident, and would never hurt someone like me. Or anyone for that matter. But as we got further into our relationship, and even now, but yes, mainly now, I uncovered the truth that was hidden behind your appearance and fake personality. I uncovered a horrifying monster. And I don't mean that in a way to offend you, I'm trying to tell you how you need to change your attitude and confidence. By that I mean, you think just because you're attractive and a U.S. Marine, and you went through one of the toughest things anyone could do (Parris Island), you believe that you can trick anyone, into letting them fall deep in love, and then you can just hurt them, and throw them away. We're dealing with feelings here, not a toy from a kids meal. It brings you joy, but you just have interest in it for a while, until you discover it's lame and you throw it out. That's not how feelings and relationships work. When you have feelings for someone, like a crush, and it lasts for longer than four months, than you are in love. Feelings aren't a piece of trash. They're something that you feel inside, and that can ruin your outlook on relationships and guys forever. Now I understand that my life isn't over because of you, and I never ever said that. You can tell yourself that all you want, because OUR life together is ruined and over. You told yourself and believed that you had such an impact on me, negatively, that I was so hurt, that my life was done and over. No, its a small portion of a smaller chapter in my life. I understand that this could happen again, later in life, with other people, but I never said my life was over.

I have a great feeling that later in life, we will cross paths. Like I said earlier, it could just be seeing each other on the freeway driving to work, or wherever we might end up. But I guarantee that if there ever comes a day when you come to a realization that you needed me all along, and that it was morally wrong to lie to me, being a Marine and all. And that you want me back, never pass on the opportunity to talk to me. But keep it in mind, that its life. It keeps going, and never ends. Like you told me not to long ago, when I said I had no life, I was breathing and talking to you, therefore I was alive. But you were wrong, as a Rise Against song states ," Simply because you can breathe, doesn't mean you're alive, or that you've ever lived," it means that just because you fooled me before, doesn't mean you can do it again. I'm my own person and you don't own me. I know this might not make any sense to you, or whomever is reading this, but just remember, that you are a U.S. Marine, and you are a phoney. You also say that you are a man, not a boy. But does a man try to hurt a girl and lie to her? I think not. So rethink that. A real man will not break the rules of something that is a dream to you. Semper Fi.

Well anyways, I know you won't ever read this, but it gave me some closure. It gave me a chance to vent my feelings, without you lying and flipping things on me. I hope you enjoy your time over seas, and that you fulfill your dreams. And I hope you live with the guilt of losing me.