Black Horizon

My veins are filled with poison, my life blood spilled in vain. My bones are withered and cracked by the blade. A voice calls across the waters to my blistering ears. He calls himself redeemer and claims to cast out fears. He invites me to hearken to his voice and walk in all his ways. He promises my days to go well if only I obey. Yet a weight like an anchor is cast about my neck. For I was sure when I accepted Jesus I had met him on the deck. Confusion at last stirs and pounds inside my soul. Shaken to the core I will wonder into the cold. 

I sail on the black horizon of the stormy sea. Blasting are the clouds, they pour their wrath on me. All around me is a voice like the howling wind. It draws upon my strength bashing me again and again. Twisting and throbbing in this writhing pain, many people ask if I am okay. I am a heavy laden soul like one buried in wet sand. Lonely is the journey, for I am the last of my clan.

The chill of the wind crawls up my brittle back and shackles me in chains so that I live in lack. The waves they lift their frozen arms and pound their fist at me. I lie lifeless on the ship, frozen like a carcass in the sea. My inward parts crash against glaciers and sink me deeper than before. There I meet sea creatures and they consume me by their jaws and cords.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Sorry but this doesn't entirely work for me - it doesn't seem to be fish or fowl. I do think the overall idea is good and could be worked on. There is a lot of intentional rhyming in it but there is no meter or rhythm. Personally I feel that finding rhymes can become a bit of a millstone if they don't make sense - I don't think neck and deck convey meaning or the last phrase 'consume me by their jaws and cords' doesn't make sense to me. Sorry for being a bit negative but I hope to can take something out of my comments!
Cheers
Alan

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

This is really good, you ought to break it down in lines,
awesome writing

[Hebe]

You touch sooo deep with your words.....just excellent in description ....i feel your confusion, the battle inside you is loud and clear ! Beautiful piece!

[Philip Muls]

Powerful and apocalyptic. Goes agsint the grain as you would expect a kind of salvation.

Intriguing as I feel I do not fully capture what you have tried to say here.

[Sonal Kohli]

Great sir...
Can easily felt the pain in your words.
The intensity of the pain i felt was no doubt less than yours, which you felt while writing it...but trust me sir...it was deep.
You are simply amazing :-)

[Gray]

I think this is very creative actually. Not all poems make sense at first but if the writer studies his own writing he may find something hidden within the lines that only he can recognize and discover. Not all poems are for the readers but I can see others liked this as I did.

[zunie frost]

i love it !!!
it's painful Ian !!
i can feel great pain and sadness in the poem but it also have a soft heart felt touch

[LastMonth]

Painful and depressing.
I assume that this is an outlet for your emotions. Which is both beautiful and unfortunate.
I've experienced pain in my life, but I've expressed it in such a hopeless way. There's not a silver of hope your poem.

And that saddens me.
The images are vivid and powerful, of that I have no doubt.
I disagree with what you wrote, but the -way- you wrote it is marvelous.
Keep up the good work, you have talent.

[Ian Craven]

I disagree with the poem too, but it is how I felt.

[Shannon]

For me, the structure reflects the subject matter. There is chaos throughout the piece, so the format and style is successful. To both break up the turmoil and add to it, I might have focused a few more words on the salvation, leaving the reader to believe it is, perhaps forthcoming, then taking is away, thus forcing into the same space as out speaker.
Well written and uncomfortable.

[Lily]

I like this. It's filled with powerful and emotive language, driving home the desperation and solitude this tortured soul is forced to endure again and again -until their eventual obliteration. The imagery is strong and descriptive and somewhat manic, which makes it exciting as well as fearful to read

[Ian Craven]

Thanks for this comment Lily. It means a lot to me.