Airport 15

The silence was awkward, once I placed the phone back down on the table. Katie looked indifferent, as she took the seat across from me.

"Who was that?" she asked, though she knew full well who it was I had been talking to. I looked her square in the face, and answered:

"Just a friend."

"Oh? Didn't sound like just a friend. Sounded like someone...important."

"Well, perhaps it was," I said, as I folded my hands together and placed my elbows on the tabletop, "but thats not something we have to talk about right now."

"I don't mind."

"I do."

I never took Katie for the sort to press her point, especially in a situation with nothing to gain. Likely one of the indirect benefits of her relationship with Dom. I hope I get the chance to thank him for his grand ability to influence another human being.

"Look, why don't we talk about something else? How about us?" I was trying to give myself a way out, just as much as I was to her.

"And what is it about us, that you have in mind? There is nothing left of anything, nothing from what we had a year ago. Don't you remember the day you left?"

She was opening up to me. It was difficult to listen to, but necessary. A desirable pain.

"What didn't I tell you, that you so desperately needed to know? And now you're back, its like you forgot everything that happened while you were gone." She was looking down, almost as though she felt guilty for saying what was in her heart.

No use in holding back, in being gentle.

"I believe you know full well, Katie, what was said, and what wasn't. As much as I jumped to conclusions, just weeks after leaving, what was I to think? You were silent for days, while your family said plenty. I needed to hear from you, not them, and I heard nothing. It didn't matter that we were apart, it was that you said nothing. I could have dealt with the silence, as long I didn't have to question where your heart was."

"But it was with you!"

"Only when I asked, when I begged you to answer my questions. When we finally reconnected, it was like speaking with a completely different person. After asking, I felt as though it was nothing but a burden. To keep after you. It seemed to make sense, finally, that I was being selfish."

"Love is selfish. Love gets to be, in its own unique way." Her voice was poised, nurturing. She truly believed what she was saying.

"No its not. It has no right. Love is considerate. Definitive. Nothing more." My voice trailed off towards the end, as I spoke into my folded hands.

"But you were wrong. I hadn't gone anywhere. You needed to trust me, and for whatever reason you couldn't do that. You should have known there was nothing coming between us, but your own thoughts."

"I wasn't about to force you to keep me, to step back from you life, unless it was something you were truly willing to do. To understand."

"I loved you, Chris, why can't you understand that?"

Because I was the one in the desert. You were the one with your hands around the next of your ex-boyfriend. You felt like you were the one to blame, so you tried to make amends. I, wrongly, kept my distance from you, like we might come back around to each other in some sort of romantic fashion. But 11 months took their toll, and you found someone new. I, meanwhile, watched on, in disbelief. That's why.

"Because it was not enough. What I thought we were, we had, was something so much more than just a relationship. It was everything to me, but I wasn't going to force you to feel the same. Being apart, it could have been such a great opportunity, instead it was commonplace, things did not occur in any sort of a unique way. Not the way I saw them, anyway."

I paused, and she seemed to as well. Katie didn't seem to want to fight for what was surely already gone, but I will gladly given up everything I had in my life for a second chance, to change the way things turned out. I spoke first:

"It was never supposed to be easy. You told me that, after you kissed me for the first time. And now, well, we are who we are. We are with who we are with. That doesn't mean the person you were is lost, or does not in some way define you. We are each better off for having loved each other, but in no way does that fill the void left after we parted ways."

"I've got to go Chris. This isn't supposed to be happening. We're not in love anymore, I'm not yours to look after."

I will always care for you, Katie.

"You should go, then. I am grateful you took the time to come over."

We both rose from the table.

"Goodnight Chris," said Katie.

"Goodnight."

I sat back down, exhausted. I watched her leave the shop. I hope this won't be the last time we speak honestly with each other. Nothing left to do but sit and wait. I hope Rose will answer when I call.