Confessions

A Story by Somnath

Sharing the thoughts of a one sided lover.

Well, the main objective behind my confession is neither to gain sympathy nor to gain respect from people who think true love is hard to come by. I must tell you that I don't know what true love is. There are people out there - the love gurus, the poets and obviously Google who can decode the definition of true love. I am here to share my experiences of an unknown thing in me which people time and again term as “true love”, “one sided love” , etc. Yeah, you heard it right, she doesn't love me, it's one sided. Now the question is, how much does it hurt to say that she doesn't love me? Well, if this question comes to your mind, you are reading the right article. Before everything, let me tell you that I am not here to badmouth the “she” in question. This feeling of love may touch any Tom, Dick and Harry just like you and I catch cold. I am here to tell you what happens when you catch cold...Ummm ….I mean when you fall in love. Firstly, you will not be aware of the exact time when it actually touches. I was sure that I felt it at 9:21:35 AM sharp but ….I am not sure….can you tell me the exact time when you fell asleep last night? I know the answer. It's a no. So I fell in love at a time which the digital watch couldn't record.

So it happened. Days went by, I told her. As every film of the 90’s showed, the heroine loves someone else. Then the hero experiences “sleepless nights”, “ no shave November “, “no shave September”, “no shave October “ , etc. The poet comes out of you and tells you to vent out all the pain you experience when you see “her” with “him” and how “he” doesn't deserve to be with “her” and how “he” is using “her”. I was no less than a tragic hero back then.

Time went by and things remained the same. Wherever I went, wherever I did, my topic of discussion, my flow of thinking boiled down to her. It sounds like a cliche, I know, but cliches are nothing but words extracted from real life experiences so bear with it. I started asking questions to myself, why don't I deserve her? Is it my looks? Are the scars on my face too profound? Am I not tall enough? Is there a lack of manliness in me? Do I look bad in a t-shirt which I love to wear? I started hating myself. The lack of qualities, I didn't know exactly which one but the lack of that yet unknown quality had left me far behind. She seemed so far away from me.

Time went by, I started realising that the qualities of my dream girl are way different than what I dreamt of. What I fell in love for, actually don't exist in reality. Here lies the twist. Most of the people would think that I had a heartbreak and I moved on. No, by then, the feeling had already got the better of me and it kept on controlling me. I was already paralyzed and the love was a stretcher I could not jump off. All her qualities that opposed to my dreams became my dream. I realised that so far, my dream girl looked like her but it was not her. So the feeling of love rebuilt my dreams based on reality. Now there was no risk of a heartbreak. They say love may involve e heartbreak but for me, love itself assured that I don't experience one. My girl in dreams actually existed now.

Eventually, there are times when I say that I regret having such a feeling because it has so much of pain. What doesn't have pain? When you cut your hand by accident, do you regret having a hand? I realised that love is similarly a part of my body, my mind. Just as the mother conceives a baby, I conceived a baby, the love for her.

With time, my feelings for her turned into manifestations. Just as a bird flies high when set free from a cage, I let my emotions fly high. God gave me the gifts of singing, composing and writing. I nomore started hating myself as much as I used to do.

I know, you might get disappointed because of all the sugar coated words that you often read in books. Yeah, I am not writing anything new but I am trying to convince you that the words in books actually exist in reality. Cliches do exist.

In a blink of an eye, five years have gone by. Yeah, five long years. People might say it's a big deal. I don't know whether it's big or not but it is a deal with myself to take risks, to make the jump. People say about getting committed. Even “one sided” love needs commitment. Commitment to oneself that one would be ready to take the pain, the sorrows and all the negativities.

In case of an unrequited love, one sees things from a lover’s perspective and blames the other for not loving the guy back. I don't belong to that school of thought. On the contrary, I feel that, things don't happen for nothing. The fact that she deserves someone's love is what makes me stick to her. She is not at all to blame.

When in unrequited love, you have nothing to lose and that's the best part. You keep on giving and end up losing nothing.