Parasite

A short story I wrote while in therapy in 2012. It is a strong metaphor for my therapeutic journey.

1) Awakening

Contorted, in-turned. The body tries to unravel, but it is confined. The senses speak only of entrapment, with a low dull throbbing accompanied by a wave of pressure.

The body pushes, stretches. Something tears, the front of the body catches on something. Writhing still, the tear pulls wider. Still there is only darkness, but there is moisture too.

The body is drawn forward; the moisture is new and strange but inexplicably compelling. The body recognises that moving its front parts in a particular way brings the moisture onward. Taste floods the senses and, like the moisture, it is compelling. The body desires more.

The body moves its front parts again; they catch and tear at the pressure ahead. Feelings of pleasure overwhelm the body as the pressure is revealed to be soft and pliable.

Pieces of the soft and warm come between the forward parts. As they are taken in a new feeling of pleasure is experienced. The body desires these sensations and acts to repeat them.

Still trapped in a soft cage, the body drives onward into the tear. The body becomes less contorted and feels relief, it desires more relief. It continues to tear, to take in, to push on.

 

2) Uncertainty

The pressure changes. The throbbing increases. The soft cage that contains the body is changing. The body first only knew confinement, then pleasure, then relief. Now it experiences doubt. The body recognises that it was confined and desired relief before. Now it recognises that things are changing for the worse. The body stops moving, the throbbing subsides but the body stays still. It desires pleasure and relief; it desires to be free of confinement. But it is fearful that it will be stopped if it does as it desires.

Stillness, the body waits and feels the steady throbbing of the cage around it. The body finds safety inactivity; the soft prison is peaceful again.

Time passes, the body grows restless. It hungers, but it fears. The fear had been overwhelming while the hunger had been nought but a distant inkling. While the body is still, tolerating the cage, the hunger begins to grow.

Fear of uncertainty is overcome by desire and need. The body begins to move again, warily at first but growing more confident. The pleasure of imbibing parts of the cage joins with the increasing space it brings and the body forgets its fear for a time.

Suddenly the low throbbing accelerates again; movement is felt near the body. Pleasure overrides the fear and the body pushes on. The throbbing and motion are strange and unfamiliar, but they cause no harm. The soft cage, that seemingly had power over the body, is shown to be powerless.

 

3) Satisfaction

With no more fear, the body delays no more. The throbbing accelerates, the moving continuous, but the body suffers no harm. Only when the body feels no more desire and instead feels satisfaction does it stop tearing at it's cage and taking the soft morsels in.

The throbbing around the body persists; something has changed in the fleshy cage. Though the throbbing had lessened before, it is now unrelenting. The body knows no fear and even finds security in the unchanging nature of the cage - hostile as it may see.

With no more desire, and the strange sense of comfort, the body is at peace. Something begins to change in the body. It becomes rigid and finds that it does not desire to move even if it could. The soft warmth around it seems to become more distant though the pressure remains the same, as though a barrier is forming around the body.

Content and somehow comforted by the barrier, the body rests. Strange sensations pass through the body. They continue for a long time and the body feels strange and different. The feelings are unfamiliar but not unwelcome; the body finds some comfort in them.

The pressure seems to increase, only exacerbated by the inescapable throbbing. It feels as though the barrier is shrinking. The feeling of paralysis becomes overwhelming and the body again feels trapped and constricted as when it had first awoke. The fear is overwhelming and persists for so long.

Then the paralysis begins to recede.

 

4) Revival

Trapped and paralysed, the body had become frantic but had been unable to take action. As it regains the ability to move it begins to twitch, but it is caged! Around it still is the unbreakable barrier that had only imposed itself just before the paralysis had set in. It had felt impenetrable before and almost safe, but now it feels constrictive and the body feels the strength of the barrier as an overwhelming burden.

But the body feels different, the barrier feels smaller but maybe it is the body that is larger. As the body twitches it feels its foreparts tear into the barrier. The body finds that it is strong! It plunges on, revelling in its newfound strength. Beyond the barrier it feels the familiar soft cage it had first woken in. Still it is confounded by imprisonment at every turn. But with its newfound strength the soft cage yields more than ever before. The cage no longer feels so constrictive and dangerous and the body ingests more and more fleshy wet morsels as it enthusiastically ventures onwards.

The soft cage reacts, as it had when the body had first tentatively moved forward. The dull throbbing that had existed since the body had first awoken speeds again, pulsing wildly, but the body holds no fear for it any more.

The throbbing begins to weaken as the body drives on relentlessly and a new sensation is discovered. The sensation of light. The body had only known touch and sound before, now it finds it can see.

 

5) Birth

Light is new and unfamiliar to the body, but buoyed by its recent strength it holds no fear. Onwards it plunges; tearing through the soft walls of what is no longer a cage. The light grows brighter and the body begins to feel complete again.

Suddenly as it tears forward the body finds no more resistance. The light becomes overwhelming and more sounds flood in. The body had only before known the steady low pulsing sound around it. The new sounds are very different - a steady low noise and an intermittent high pitched whistle. The body has no conception of the meaning of any of these sights and sounds.

The sensations the body discovers have far greater impact. Finding a vast emptiness in the opening in the soft mass around it, the body is hesitant. The emptiness seems freeing, but also brings with it a new sensation - cold. The body had only known the constant warmth of the soft cage, so much so that it had never recognised it. Now it discovers the place outside is unwelcoming.

Halfway free of the cage, the body begins to miss it. The cold is the worst suffering the body knows, entrapment dwindles by comparison. The body pulls back, choosing to surround itself with the warm confines of the soft cage rather than expose it self to the perishing cold and strange sounds and bright lights outside.

The body feels things changing again. A barrier begins to interpose itself, just as it had much earlier. The entrapment grows again; even its new strength is inadequate against it.

So much of the experience of the body is entrapment, unpredictable and overwhelming. It years for safety but everything is out of control. It can only take the freedom when it is given.

 

6) Death

Trapped again. Escaping from confinement was glorious. The freedom from confinement was terrifying. Trapped within impenetrable barriers, the body can only remember security in the soft cage before it began to escape. Being caged had been awful but resisting and breaking free had only been more torment. Was the body condemned to suffer? Bound by its walls, the body feels despair. It can not understand. It is driven by desires, but those desires only bring pain.

The walls feel like they are closing in. The body begins to feel crushed but, unable to move, it can only suffer. Tighter and tighter it is bound. While it is crushed from without, the satisfaction within is depleted. For all the work it put into finding satisfaction it has it's achievements taken away.

Unbreakable as the walls seem, the body notices that it can feel movement again. A twitch, a spasm, the body feels itself move but the movements feel unfamiliar. The body feels itself moving something that it didn't know it had before. The walls become flexible rather than rigid. Despair gives way to hope again. The body pushes on.

The walls are breached and the outside is experienced again. Somehow it is less daunting, less cold and unfamiliar. The body feels that it is different and that is the reason the outside is more bearable. It also notices that the indistinct, hazy light is now more clear and no longer painful. It can see shapes and movements.

It feels part of its body extend forward and it touches something cold. The body finds it can support itself and carry itself forward. The soft cage behind it clings to the body but the body can pull free.

Wavering on unfamiliar appendages, the body turns to see the soft cage. It sees a body with appendages, moving weakly and with liquid pouring from its midsection. The body looks down and sees other appendages and another body. The appendages move and the body feels them move. They look similar to the other body, but are not the same.

 

This is my body and these are my appendages. I am free of the cage.