5.

5.

 

I was sixteen when Taylor died. That would make Marissa twenty at the time.

After Jay and I were out of sight from Marissa's house I demanded that he tell me what the hell was going on. Between breaths, he tried to explain to me that I needed to process my loss of a sister before I could handle another.

"Marissa's dead?" I could barely breathe. I had never run that far that quickly.

"Not dead, but..." he seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

I just shook my head and fought the nausea that was rising. While we were running, I could focus on just that. Without the distraction, every other sensation crept back up. Fear, confusion, and anger all felt the exact same in that moment. I couldn't differentiate between all of my thoughts. It was as if they weren't even my own. My brain began to implode. I threw my fingers into my hair and pulled at it, wagging my head like a dogs tail.

I don't know what Jay said to me then. He tore my hands from my hair and slipped his fingers between mine and squeezed tightly. The pain was comforting. It shot from my knuckles to my chest, and I felt my heart slow almost immediately. I was still trembling, but only slightly when he freed my hands and clapped his hand on the back of my neck. We were face to face as we were outside of the barn. I watched a drop of sweat slip past his left eye.

"You're going to be okay. I need you to keep trusting me, David. I know, I know."

I was crying. My face was drenched in sweat and tears. I threw my palms into his chest and he stumbled back. I doubled over and everything in my stomach flew through my throat.

Once I wiped my mouth and gave him a nod, we continued jogging slowly until we came upon his house. I had no idea a house had been built within a few miles from ours. I don't remember my parents mentioning neighbors. I never was the adventurous type as a kid. I rarely wandered further than the driveway to the car and then in the opposite direction into town. And after our parent's death, rarely did I even do that. We were homeschooled once Marissa adopted us.

I wasn't a homebody my entire childhood. I was athletic, and I played recreational sports in elementary and middle school. I just wasn't one for nature then, and that's all that surrounded the house. Sometimes I would sit under the tree by the barn when our parents would argue. Sometimes it would get violent and every child had their "safe place". That was mine. Even after they died, it wasn't any more peaceful in the house.

Once I got to high school, I shied away from team sports. By that age, you either love the sport and enjoy practicing it, or you realize, as I did, that you don't really care. Besides, I picked up a guitar at fourteen and never wanted put it down. Taylor played piano. After many failed attempts at pounding on the keys, I gave it up that avenue. But Taylor was as much of a natural as I am at guitar. Marissa doesn't have a musical bone in her body. This was yet another wedge shoved between the three of us.

Marissa was always the brains with her wit, her ability to absorb information, her ability to debate...her ability to manipulate. It was fascinating to watch her pry into the mind of somebody, pick them apart, and leave them wondering what just happened. Adopting us, homeschooling, taking care of the funeral and inheriting everything the family owned? That was all her.

I wonder which traits were passed to Hayden. I'm sure the piano that had been in the family for several generations was demolished now. I doubt she even knows what music is. 

How much longer did I have to wait for these answers? April 18th, 1994....today is February 27th 2012. Two more months. 

Her eighteenth birthday isn't going to be her cue to move into "adulthood" as it is for others, though. Marissa isn't going to just let her go out into the world and live a normal life. What would stop Hayden from exposing what she had been living in? Neither do I think that Marissa will outright kill her. Hayden must have something worthwhile if she's alive after all this time.