not a story

just writing out loud

it burns at me that i havent done anything great. i guess it makes me feel just normal, average. i dont know if its that i desire attention. part of me thinks, yes i would like people to admire me, to respect me, to think i was good, to be interested in me - to be interested in talking to me, to be influential, to be remembered, to express myself, to show all the world of what i got - and that it would be meaningful - that it would mean something to people. i think a big part of it is that i want to feel effective. i want to do things that will matter to people - but not just because they will matter to people but because i do think im good, i think i have talent, i think i have a good heart and good ideas and i want to spread what good i have to others. at the same time i feel like these are all underdeveloped. i want to have my doctorate in all these things but im not sure if im even in middle school. i feel like i have been influential to some degree, i have been good to people, that i have made some differences. but my ripple in the water is small, by the time it disperses out enough to get into view of someone else it has already faded and is unnoticeable. im trying to nurture whats good in me, im trying to develop my talents, im trying to bring myself to being a doctorate in what i care about because no one hardly listens to, influenced by, care about what a person like me has developed - or underdeveloped i should say. so i work on myself, i nurture myself, but its slow and hard to watch developing skills that could be meaningful to the world as the world doesnt slow down for me - doesnt stop and say wow well marcus is really becoming somebody.i feel like if i died today, my ripple of effect would only pan out so far before it is unnoticeable and i want to make a bigger impact than that.