~Pilot~

"Time does not change us. It unfolds us."

Chapter 1

The rain continued to beat down upon his windshield as he speeds down the slick winding road. The petals of water shimmer in the moonlight on the cold black pavement. He is exhausted this night struggling to stay awake through this storm; taking occasional puffs from his cigarette in hand to occupy himself. He fights his drowsiness; but it becomes more and more of a fight turn and wind after turn and wind.

He had been on the road for hours. He begun his drive at the beginning of morning. Now here he was at the end of night on a west coastal abandoned road still going, and hanging onto his consciousness.

He hasn’t seen another automobile approach, pass, or follow behind in what felt like hours. In his peripherals are the masses of swaying pine trees that make up the looming forest nearby. Bleached pine petals cling to his wet mirrors; catching into crevices on the front hood, and glass as the wipers attempt to brush them off. The storm develops even more restless. Gusts force their way through the darkness with a howl. The rain now pounding sideways, and denser than beforehand.

Up ahead in the distance is a flickering light. The closer it comes to him the more it is recognizable as a hotel despite the obscured neon sign due to the rain deluding the visualization. It was surrounded by nothing. No neighboring buildings or homes. Not a gas station or diner in view. Just the forestry, and the quiet little hotel the man now pulled into.

The parking lot was empty. Not one car. The structure was old in design. It was small. The sign above clearly stated hotel. But physically it was undoubtedly a motel. There were no lights to see through the windows of the three levels of rooms. Only the ground floor was lit with an almost blue tint of lighting. A sign in the blurry glass doorway read vacancy in red lighting.

He exited the car; slamming the door hard. He threw his cigarette out of hand; respiring smoke into the frosty nighttime breeze. He rushed to the front glass door already drenched. His suit sticking to his body like a spider to a wall. He walks towards the door pushing it to an opening as the bell rings above his head; he enters the lobby.

He watches as puddles emerge on the tile floor from the drips of his soaked clothing. He loosens his tie around his neck to attempt ease some of the discomfort. A woman greets him a few minutes after entry. He looks up at her.

She comes up to him expressing she will return shortly with a room key and he could take a seat as he waits. There was an extraordinary glow about her. Something obstinate. Something inexpressible. Both heavenly and hellish. But distinctly more to one than the other.

He seated himself in one of the six foyer chairs surrounding a table stack of magazines on top of an obscure oak wood stand. He raised one of the publications off waving it into the air to liberate the dust shaped atop of the front page. Issues of Time magazine were all that were positioned in front of him; the latest issue dating only to the fall of 1969.

A few moments went by. He read through a few articles conveying on political and social opinions of the period. Skimming through what were now forgotten celebrity icons that have been disregarded over the times but at the interval were just as prevalent if not more than the many individuals of the now.

He gazed up from his present page to the woman analyzing him with her cavernous emerald feline like eyes. She grinned while indicating for him to trail her down the hall key in hand. He got up from the leather cushioned seat now wet from his still drenched clothing.

He tracked her down the aisle passing many doors. He strode on the dense lime carpet like flooring. Behind these doors felt like what must be gated muteness. However whispers could be overheard through the walls. Yet at the same time there lingered that unshakable feeling of emptiness. This overpowering sensation of seclusion filled the man’s soul.

One might perceive these to be the fellow part time residents like he. But the man felt unsettled in that conclusion. He felt something to be off.

They were now one third down the hall and he noted a difference in light from behind ,followed by a hushed glass shattering clatter. He turned eyeing back to notice the first of the six hall lights had gone out. The start of the hall was occupied with blackness. The lobby could not be seen. It seemed as a harrowing abyss. The farther and longer he looked into it the more he felt as if it looked farther and longer back into him. The woman did not show any concern to this, only proceeding forward.

He continued onward. The end of the hall had a lighting problem as well. The ceiling light unceasingly went in and out. Not ever totally. But it would go from evasively dim to astonishingly bright in what felt like three-second intervals.

Additionally he took notice to the last door down the hallway which appeared to be half way open. All other room doors presented to be firmly shut in both directions of the man.

He looked down at his watch, which read 3:32 morning time.

As he eyed back up he was in perplexity to the partially exposed room in which its door presently resided now shut. He marched passed his guide; which was waiting directly below the light for his gradual stride to catch up. Or so he perceived her. She gently twisted her head as he accidentally brushed her shoulder.

He gripped the door handle of what he thought was a door previously open. Rattling the knob it was very much now locked to his disbelief. He provided it a few more shakes for reassertion.

Vanilla aroma inputting into his senses. The woman’s breath could be sensed tenderly against the skin of his neckline.

He spun around to meet her. However in contradiction to how he felt her presence to be right behind him, she, in reality, was not. Instead she was against the wall on opposite direction to him.

He was frozen in a frightened sorrowful confusion. It must have been his lack of sleep. He could not come to another presently explainable conclusion.

He wiped the beading mixture of sweet and rain water from his forehead onto his sleeve. Then he was once again astonished to find in his hand, that a key with an attached hard plastic tag reading the digits 333.

He placed the key into the knob and opened the door into his room. He took six steps in before the woman's voice interrupted him.

“If there's anything you need during your stay you can find us down the hall in the lobby. Have a good night.”

He nodded in appreciation and closed the door gently behind himself. He stumbled his way to the bed in the center of the room. He could still hear the rain beating down on the structure's roof. It was so intense it was as if the ceiling was going to cave in, yet so faint it could be compared to the whisper of the wind in an empty field.

He dropped straight down plummeting into the mattress. Exhaustion could not have came at a better time. He settled into sleep restlessly.

Author's Note

Any intelligent constructive criticism welcome! I'm aware of the grammatical issues. If you could point out at least one per review it would make my editing process much easier.

Reviews

[William Richards]

Good work.

I liked your descriptions. I felt I could imagine each stage of his journey from the car to his bed.

Your style is quite poetic at times and this is nice as a treat but I wonder if more shorter sentences might be something to consider (and this is just my opinion ) For instance:
'He exited the car slamming the door hard throwing his cigarette out of hand and respiring smoke into the frosty nighttime breeze.'
Might be:
'He stepped out of the car, slamming the door so hard his cigarette fell from his hand. The night was so cold, however, that he still had a frosty, smokey breath.'

I really liked how you talked about the lighting in the corridor and how time and place seemed distorted. I thought it was pretty cool.

[Gabriel B. Burns]

Thank you sir! And I do agree about the sentencing. I will edit it to a shorter structure. I didn't realize how run on it was until you pointed it out. Thank you for the review!

[luvs2write]

It's an interesting start to a gripping book. I like the description, but keep in mind that you don't necessarily need to describe everything. Just describe enough so that your reader can understand what's going on. I found this chapter to be a bit wordy. That's probably just my own opinion and problem, but you might turn away some readers if you don't use every day English. I do like your writing though, it's very interesting. Keep writing, and good luck with the book!

[David Jae]

This is a powerful piece that grabs your attention. You use some wonderfully evocative phrases, like his suit clinging to him like a spider, which really set the tone and establish mood.

If there is a suggestion I could make, it is that you sometimes use too much exposition.

E.G.
"She comes up to him expressing that she will return shortly with a room key and that he can take a seat while he waits."

I think the absence of any dialogue makes this very powerful, as it shows this all through his perception and builds up the sense of unreality. Personally, I think 'Sayinh' would be better than 'Expressing' in this sentence.

Overall, I love the way you build the spooky atmosphere. It reminds me of Hotel California by the Eagles.

Great work

[Gabriel B. Burns]

Thank you for the review. And it is actually based off Hotel California. The lyrics are going to be littered throughout the story. I'm trying to retell it through a modern book like form instead of a lyrical one with my own small twist. I appreciate you taking the time for the read.

[David Jae]

Then, you've done it justice. You should be pleased with this.

[dan]

Gabriel, This is hard to review for a number of reasons. Number 1 is that the story itself has the makings of being a gripping, tension-filled write. Number 2 is grammar is not your biggest issue. I agree with William Richards' assessment that some sentences can be split into smaller construction. But also, a lot of sentences are VERY short and can be combined (using commas or just running together) into longer sentences. The biggest need for editing, in my opinion, comes from the fact that you often just use a word that makes no sense in the sentence. Examples? You say DELUDING when you mean deluge (of water), "he DEEMED up from his present page..." you mention a "verbatim abyss" (verbatim means 'word for word') and "quellingly dim," which is NOT a word and definitely does not serve as a adjective for dim. What puzzles me is that it is obvious that you are an intelligent man to have written such a compelling story beginning. But your word usage is so off at times. I'm sorry for being this honest, but if it was me I would want someone to tell me. DON'T give up on this story. Just WORK ON IT. Don't lose faith in yourself; you have it in you to make this write sensational! take care...dan

[Gabriel B. Burns]

Thank you for the review Dan. I really do appreciate the honesty and I will look into the word usage. There is no need for the apology. I find your advice very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read, and review.