Emile's Secret

I'd been studying magic realism and having an episode and I wanted to take the feelings of having bpd and experiencing a mutual fp attachment and put them into one piece.

For as long as I can clearly remember, which honestly isn't more than a year or two, I'd always been madly in love with- no, maybe obsessed with is more accurate, my best friend Emile. Wherever they go, I follow. Whatever they need I find a way to make happen, only letting them know the effort I go through to do so about half of the time. I don't want them to think I'm a creep. But to my bittersweet disbelief, Emile reciprocated this sentiment. They wanted to be with me all of the time and swore to protect me as the only one who made me feel at ease. They claimed my mere existence in the same room as them was enough to ground them, that they thought of me before they slept at night. We promised each other, in a ritual that I'd held as sacred, to clearly express our feelings to other so that we could stay together forever. 

Then Emile started to act strange. They refused to allow me to worry for them or help them with anything. Their figure was dwindling in a way that was only noticeable to those who looked for it, their face sank in, and they seemed to constantly walk the line between another plane and this one. All the while, they insisted everything was okay, and that no, they WEREN'T mad at me for worrying, but yes, please do STOP worrying, and yes, they SWEAR they'll keep our contract. From the way  their expressions of affection for me changed, I knew they were lying. The sensation caused by this blatant betrayal has been unbearable. My eyes have been become covered in an invisible film distorting my surroundings, and the spiders have started to around inside of me. I couldn’t take the horrific feeling of being separated from the object of my affection, the meaning of my existence- and yet I know they are going to leave me behind forever. 

I can’t take it anymore. So, you understand what I'm doing, right? No, I'm sure you know how horrible I am, so overbearing and self-serving. Oh well, nothing will matter soon. As soon as they tell me what I did, I'm fixing it all. I knock on their door and let myself in. I see Emile sitting on the couch, they've just finished crying. It's probably my fault. I contemplate giving our usual greeting: a hug, a kiss, and a plethora of words of affection and loyalty. I look them up and down, their eyes are cold like the ice melting in the drink on the coffee table, but I know that they must be full of hatred. I look for a moment longer and realize they clearly haven't left the house or even changed clothes in days. They must’ve noticed my expression because they're opening their mouth to talk to me. They insist they're okay, that I shouldn't worry, that they're burdening me. I can't take this anymore. The tears are falling onto their lap as I grab their shoulders and push my forehead into their chest. I sputter out the words, begging them to tell me the truth. My grip tightens. I'm hurting them but I just can't stop. I need to heal them. 

I feel something wet on my head. It's going over my eyes now, soaking my bangs and lashes. I'm pushing myself off of them, and oh my god. Their mouth is open, gaping, and liquid is pouring out, more than I've ever seen from a faucet, how long have I been staring? The liquid is already up to our ankles, rising. Why is this happening? Did I upset them this badly? It's up to my hips now, oh f**k, I'm a failure. I should've never burdened them with my love. It's at our chests and I'm grabbing their shoulders again, hard enough that my own fingers are aching. I'm shaking them, why wouldn't they just tell me this instead of letting everything build up? Am I really that untrustworthy? It's at my neck now, I'm craning it upwards to keep breathing, but I know I deserve this. 

Suddenly, it's gone. There's a puddle on the floor. I look up at Emile. They flash a pained smile before pulling me in close. "I’m sorry, I just didn't know how to bring it up, but I'm not angry anymore."

 

 

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, if it's your goal to write fiction, you might want to look into the tricks of the trade, because, in this, you're transcribing yourself talking to an audience. But that can't work on the page, because verbal storytelling is a performance art, where HOW you tell the story matters as much as what you say. Much of the emotional part of the performance lies in your vocal tricks. You whisper and shout, vary tempo and intensity, and make use of that marvelous instrument we call the human voice.

But...how much of that makes it to the page? Zero. All the reader has is punctuation. And they don't see that till they've already read the line. And, the meaning they take is what the words suggest to them, based on their life experience, not your intent, because that doesn't make it to the page, either.

And of course, there's your visual performance, as you lean toward the audience, and use all the other body language tricks—what I call the storyteller's dance. Add in changes in expression, making eye contact, and gestures, and it would work...if the audience could see you.

But they can't. The problem is, you can. As you read your own work, the voice of the narrator is your voice, all filled with the necessary emotion. You literally wear the storyteller's facial expressions, and can feel your hands making the necessary gestures. So for you, the piece works exactly as it should. For the reader? Not so much.

The problem you face has nothing to do with your talent. For all we know it oozes from every pore. Nor is it how well you write. The problem is twofold: First, you'll never fix the problem you don't see as being one. The second one is that we leave school thinking we learned how to write. And we did, if the goal is writing an essay or a report, because the techniques we learned are limited to nonfiction. Why? They're teaching us skills employers need, like writing reports, letters, and papers.

Take a look at the structure of this story. It's a report. It's you talking ABOUT the people and events, primarily in overview—reporting, in other words. But is that what you want in the fiction you read? If you read a romance, for example. Which do you want more: a) to be informed that the protagonist has fallen in love? b) To be made to fall in love with that person?

E. L. Doctorow put it well when he said, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And nothing your teachers gave you will allow you to do that. Why not? Because all professional skills are acquired IN ADDITION to our school-day skills.And Fiction-Writing is a profession. But while it's one they offer degrees in, it's one of the few you can learn and practice without having to spend four years acquiring a degree.

So..want some good news? First, you now know something that most hopeful writer never learn, because they never go looking for that knowledge, or know they should. And second, you now stand where pretty much every successful writer stood at your age.

Yes, you're missing some necessary skills, but so were they. And there is no reason I can think of that you can't master those same skills. Sure it involves study and practice, but what doesn't?

And, unless that problem you mentioned precludes you learning a different version of the skills you've already demonstrated having learned, any differences in your outlook from what others expect to see, might just be the thing that makes you unique and interesting when you master the skills the pros take for granted.

And the best approach that I know of is a few decent books on the techniques of writing scenes that will sing to the reader. Specifically, if you have a personal Santa, or a few dollars free, download Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's a warm, easy read, like sitting with Deb and talking about writing.

Read it slowly, though, with lots of time spent thinking about what the points she makes, and practicing it to make them yours before you move on, so it's not read, then forgotten a few days later. And then, six months later, after practiccing what you've learned, read it again, and you'll get as much the second time as the first—things you missed.

I promise you that you'll spend a lot of time saying, "But that's so obvious? Why didn't I see it myself?" It's kind of like going backstage at the theater for the first time.

There's another book you should read, Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. In fact, it was written by one of Deb's teachers. It's a bit much to take for those starting out, because it was written by a professor, and can go into a great deal of detail.

It has the virtue of being free to read or download because its copyright has expired. But free is good. Right? So you might take a look to see if it is right for you. It's an older book, but still, the best I've found. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

So...that's really lousy news, right? But on the other hand, as Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

And my own fancy quote contribution is: “Your words are the lyrics. But gesture, expression, body attitude and movement—even the language spoken by the eyes—form the music. Leave them out of your fiction and the song is forever unfinished. And since our reader can't know the song as we would sing it, without our help, we have to learn how to write music so the reader can sing our song properly.” Simple, right. Unfortunately, it might be nice if the words simple and easy were interchangeable, but...

Still, give it a try. You just may fall in love. And for what it might be worth, most of the articles in my writing blog are based on what you'll find in books like the ones I recommended, and meant as an overview of the major issues.

But...whatever you do, don't let this throw you. It never gets easier, but after a while we do become confused on a higher level. And as you master the skills the act of writing becomes a LOT more fun, because you're forced to live the scene as the protagonist, making decisions for the character based on what that character would do in that situation, not what you want them to do.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/