The Sound of Sugar

I wrote this after being intrigued by a very sweet person.

I didn't know sugar made sounds
until you opened your mouth
I'm appreciative of salt
but it doesn't halt my heart
the way that hearing you does
and I've run out at words because
I don't know enough of you
and I hope that changes
I'll say that I've failed
if we remain strangers
Must an apple hit my head
for me to learn why
I've fallen this way?
Your presence is like
a nice, warm muffin
on a cold, rainy day
And like a sweet muffin
Do you also go well with coffee?
Or is there another place you can go
only, you know, including me?

Author's Note

Opinions welcome

Reviews

[JayG]

The thing that hit me, immediately, is a question: What's in it for the reader? We learn that you, someone we don't know, are pleased with someone not introduced, because of events not mentioned. What can a reader say but, "Uhhh...okay," in response? There are facts, yes, but nothing that will elicit an emotional response within your reader and make them NEED to read on.

Your words are heartfelt, and deeply meaningful...to you. But how many people who come to this site woke this morning wondering how you, or I, are doing today?

My point is that all those who didn't wonder about our day aren't interested in learning about it. They woke hoping that what they read here will be entertaining TO THEM, as-they-read-it. And the very first requirement for that is context, because without context all we have is words in a row.

Writing poetry and nonfiction requires the same skills of punctuation, etc, but the approach is vastly different. In school, the writing skills we learn are those needed on the job. And who but greeting card companies require us to write poetry? Employers want us to write reports, letters, and other nonfiction applications, which inform the reader. And isn't that the approach you're using for your posted work?

So it's not a matter of talent, but one of methodology. You need to dig into the skills of the poet, which have an emotion-based approach. Nonfiction is an outside-in presentation of data, while poetry and fiction's approach is inside-out. They inform, but we make the reader feel and care. They tell the reader it's snowing. We make the reader remember the feel of snowflakes stinging the cheeks. And to do that you need the skills of the poet, which must be acquired in addition to those nonfiction skills we were given in school.

And while that may seem disappointing to learn, you'll find that it opens new vistas of possibility so far as writing. It gives you the superpower of being able to make someone you'll never meet feel the emotions YOU choose, simply by placement and choice of words. And, it makes writing poetry a LOT more satisfying.

Try this: Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook, is an excellent first book, filled with surprises and gems, like why we sometimes use the word rock, and at others, stone, to mean the same thing, and, why no one shouts, "Oh feces!" when they're angry.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Sorry my news wasn't better, but since our own writing always works for us, and you'll not address the problem you don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
~ Ernest Hemingway