Loving a Murderer

I wrote this when I was trying to fall asleep at 1am....XD

A gentle brush and then you're gone
Off to sing the killer's song

What melts me is your kiss
It puts me in a state of bliss
I've known of your intentions all along
Yet I still stodd strong
A gentle brush and then you're gone
Off to sing the killer's song

The lies you fed
I believed what you said
I couldn't let you slip away
Even as I began to fade
My love created an eternal bond
That will last forever and beyond
A gentle brush and then you're gone
Off to sing the killer's song

Author's Note

I got the first line from my cat....she got up and her tail brushed up against me! XD I'm so weird

Reviews

[None]

I like the repeats of the lines
'A gentle brush and then you're gone
Off to sing the killer's song'
It nicely seperates the poem in the centre, starts the poem in a way that catches the attention and rounds it off giving it a definitive finish.
I will say that the rythm of the poem doesn't flow too smoothly, there are often jerks where I felt the lines should be longer, for existence 'your kiss/melts me into pure bliss', I felt the line 'your kiss' needed to be slightly longer, try and keep the syllables the same in each line :)
I must admit, it looks a lot better than anything I could write at 1am with a cat as inspiration! Well done!

[J Royail]

It's really good! I liked it AND hated it. Liked it, because I can (and I think everyone can) relate to it. And I hatted it, because I can relate to it!

However... IF you choose to change the title, I think it (the name of the poem) should focus on the why your lover is yours only for a short time? the poem doesn't say anything about all the pain that is caused only that they are running off to break someone else's heart, AGAIN. So, "love brush" (or whatever you come up with) MIGHT be better, but as you know, it's TOTALLY your call.

Hope you know what I meant there...

(you should keep at this, you have talent that will only grow as you do!)
All my best!
J

[Ari]

I can see this as a very slow, sweet song. I generally don't like repetition in poetry, but if I think of it as a song, it works beautifully. Interesting idea.

[Phoenix]

Wow intense, and creepy - exactly the kind of poems I like! This is a heck of a way to try to fall asleep! Better job with the rhyming this time.

[Hitman "The Clean..]

Very interesting piece. It's rhyming scheme is good. Nicely Done.


Yours Truly in the Dirty Business,
Hitman