Sleepless

This is a short piece I wrote while listening to the song "Sleepless" by deadmau5 on repeat. One writing exercise I like to do is listen to a song over and over and just write what comes to mind.

I hate lying awake at night, wondering what he’s doing. Is he also thinking of me? I look up at the stars through my bedroom window, and wonder, is he looking at them too? My foot twitches nervously, releasing restless energy my body has consumed. What time is it? 1AM? 2AM? I don’t care. Why should I? He’s probably asleep anyways. Any normal person would be. 

Can’t he just see how much I care for him? I wish I could show it, the way he can. I’m such an idiot, lying awake, knowing he doesn’t give a damn. I hardly even see him any more. He’s always gone, always busy. 

He’s always at school. 

Always at work. Never any time.

And even when there is time, he’s busy with his other friends. I can’t help that he’s so popular. I text him every day, but it’s always so short. We used to FaceTime once a week, for hours on end. I miss those days.

We would talk about nothing and everything at the same time. My problems, his problems. He would make food and show me. I would watch intently, never wanting to keep my eyes off him.

He used to tell me about the other boys. 

He used to tell be about the hookups.

I wish I cared more about his problems. I hate being happy every time he ends a relationship with another. It will only lead him closer to me.

I wish I didn’t say I was proud of him every time he gets laid. He just lives the life I want. He’s got so much experience, and I have none. But I don’t want to pleasure him sexually.

I just want to love him. I want to be there for him romantically. I want our relationship to be one of caring and passion, not dicks and a******s. I want him.

I want him for the person he is. The kindness, the compassion, the generosity. I want the experience of being his. Driving for hours on end, listening to music without saying any words. Let the melodies and the lyrics consume us.

Sitting next to him, shoulder to shoulder. 

Watching a movie only he cares about.

He lets me be me when no one else will. He’s the first to ever care. Is that why I love him? Is that why I’m so passionate about him? Is that why I can never begin to love anyone else?

He was the first one I came out to. I had to tell him. I couldn’t go on any longer without him knowing. He was so supportive. It was the happiest moment of my life.

We promised each other we would always be there. And we always have. 

But there’s too much distance. How could we ever be together? How can fate be so cruel as to have the man that I love so far away from me?

I wish I could just teleport to him. Driving takes so long, and it takes such a toll on my car. Forget the damage it does to my checking account. I’d go broke for him.

I should text him. He won’t receive it until morning. But I want to hear from him. I want him to know I’m thinking about him.

But at this late hour? He’ll think I’m crazy. He’ll either think I’m lonely and insane for texting him right now,

or he’ll think I love him, and I’m not ready for that yet. So I put my phone down, and stare out the window. And I look up at the stars and wonder, is he looking at them too?

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think of the narrative. What are your theories about it? Is there anything that doesn't make sense, or could be better expressed? Why do you think some of the text is boldfaced, while other text is italicized?

Reviews

[C]

I loved your story. It made me feel so much. For a long time I used to be like that with the boy I liked, so it was easy to relate with the character for me. And the story is simple beautiful. By the way, your writing style is really good.