Labor

The dimness is beckoning

my mind, my hands

to cease, to rest.

 

Why not?

 

 If he, the powerful sun,

All-embracing, all-encompassing,

Calls the moon, the stars,

to replace him in his place

Then why not allow

The fainting mind

The jaded hands

To have their own

flatten moment.

Author's Note

The image in the photo was the view I behold when I looked outside my room's window while taking a pause from an all day multiple tasks; taken to freeze the moment in time.

Reviews

[Sir Joe]

I didn't know you've been keeping a lot of great works here. Count this one in!
You posted this more than a month ago but I read this just now.

I don't regret logging on, despite the light-headedness that I am experiencing right now, for I got the chance to come across this poem of yours.

Labor. At first I thought the poem will be about giving birth to a baby. But when my eyes rolled upon the first stanza, my mind shifted to "being at work" and the tiresomeness that one may experience from it.

"The dimness is beckoning my mind, my hands to cease, to rest." -- these words suggest that the usual morning-'til-afternoon work extends up to evening (clue:dimness). The natural transition of daylight to night time beckons the poetic persona's mental and physical being to take a break. It's not mentioned, though, as to whether or not he/she ceased to work through the rest of the night.

What could be the work being done by the poetic persona? It must be something so routine and physically and mentally draining (clues; "mind" representing the poetic persona's brain or mental capacity; and "hands" as a representative part of his/her physical body).

The "Why not?" there, when elongated, would go this way: "Why not grant my exhausted mind and body some rest?".

The last stanza, for me, is the highlight of the poem. It gives the text poesy and meaning. The comparison between the sun and the poetic persona is well-established. In spite of the power generated by the sun onto a certain phase of the earth, it also needs time to keep its rays from that certain point, so as to allow the moon and the stars to provide coolness to that sun-sweltered part of the earth. Likened to this natural phenomenon, man should also take some time to take his strength off his work in order to let him direct it to another thing that shuns his tiredness from work. Rest is probably the best solution to exhaustion. It is what the poetic persona is badly wanting to have.

In addition, the "why not?"(second stanza) is reechoed in the third stanza with much clarity, particularity and completeness, compared to the ambiguity of the second stanza.

The message is so clear to me now. However, I would like to suggest a few changes which you may or may not incorporate into this poem:

1. Capitalize what must be capitalized -- the first letter of each line in the poem.

2. Use the simple present tense in the third line of the first stanza, so it becomes "Calls the moon, the stars". This will emphasize the permanence and the inevitable recurrence of that particular natural phenomenon.

3. End your poem with a question mark (?). I believe the ending is a question.


Lastly, damn! You know what I mean. =)


- joe

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[Lisasview]

Just finished your poem and then read Sir Joes amazing and insightful review and I agree... His suggestions to make your poem better are perfect...
BUT, not all poetry must have the first word of each sentence capitalised...
Tenses are certainly very important and again Sir Joes thoughts are spot on.
Lisa

[Dee’s Poem]

Lovely poem, and I love the picture too🤗

[Rocans]

Nice write. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Sometimes the inertia of our busy lives and teeming brains needs to cease and spend if even a couple minutes in thoughtless abandon. Quite nicely put...your If...Then clause was powerful and lucid. Well done.

[ENJOY A CUP OF COFFEE]

I enjoyed the creativity, the words are so good, I was able to visualize a vivid image in my mind. Thank you once again.

[Amy D. Brooks]

Simplistic and beautiful, so lovely, nicely done.

This is a beautiful piece of profound poetry, Sis.
Your fatigue is to feel through the metaphors of day and night,
As the sun and moon are connected are you, with your work,
also the (tasks) and for "being" simply released from it,
Or to leave it on a tiring day, unleashes the power of "being"
After hard labor, it's an art to relax it really is an art, so nicely worded...
Sometimes it takes work to be total Zen Sis.

Loved this one so much!

- Elisa

[Caradoc]

This is nice.

The imagery makes me think of Genesis, and how God rested after he had created everything. I sense in this poem a call to put aside our hurts, our doubts and our differences; to settle down together as a people, a species, and rest.

A wonderful piece.

-Cara

[Coyote Poetry]

Very good use of words. Making your point loud and clear. We will labor and sometime know no peace from the sun and life. I had to read a few times. Amazing use of words and thoughts in the outstanding poem.
Coyote