mine first.

to forgive or to retain

intoxicating rage

making itself at home

entering alongside the air

into your pulsating lungs

how to let go

when it screams impunity

why should i make all the efforts

ascend to a higher state of mind

~being the bigger person~

why must i be the one to sacrifice

when i've been the victim to the damage

of course you can say

those to do the hurting

carry much of it inside themselves

and i'm aware, i'm aware

but i can't help but noticing

how my pain restrains itself to me

kept inside 

internal micro agressions

cut by cut

blood dropping slowly

the sound of a forgotten-poorly closed tap

a waste that you'll only notice

after much has been marked useless

your behavior was unnaceptable

and i still feel the impact

how is it fair 

that in order to help myself

i must forgive you

it feels so morally irresponsible

if we can get away

even after destroying a part of someone

how are we supposed to condemn cruelty

how are we supposed to tame our inner darkness

when the consequences become blurred out

in what world does it make sense

to suffer in one's hands

and be forced to rebrand

seeing your perpetrator

as nothing but a mediator

the builder of a bridge

between you and what he went through

why couldn't you heal the way i have to heal?

why couldn't you process without inflicting hate?

why is it up to me to rise above

when all i did wrong was being there when so were you

i don't mean to say mistakes should be final

and i don't think you deserve bad things

but i can't pretend to know how to handle it all

so until i figure out a way to repair what you blew

i'm afraid i can't help you.

 

 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your poem expertly details the challenges of forgiveness. Yes, everyone claims we forgive to relieve ourselves of a painful burden. It's more about making the forgiver feel better & has much less to do with the forgivee. But having been repeatedly raped by my bio-dad, I can say that some transgressions cannot be forgiven & it's unfair to burden the victim with the heavy expectation that we MUST forgive . . . FOR OUR OWN GOOD! What bullshit! For me, forgiving is a constantly-changing terrain where sometimes I almost get there & sometimes I don't even think I should have to try. This poem is every bit as powerful as the actual process of trying to forgive! You nailed so many stellar points! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[wordman]

touching write,i have to figure it out before i can help you,first i must help me

[hypochondrita]

hahah! thanks, man.

[wordman]

my pleasure