hallows

Just a little excerpt, some reflective thoughts from my journal. Think of it as thoughts on a relationship that ended badly.

When you find me again, I'm not who I used to be. Over time, your unlikely rhythm vanishes from my heartbeat and I am again able to breathe. The sound of your name vanishes with the seasons. I try to smile more, relax. Nothing is constant in this life, I know that. Not you or me or any conjunction of that. I watch as the last days of winter disappear into a tentative springs -- grey into yellow, streetlights into a sunny morning. On the back of my hand, the henna fades; proud red, gone. I am left with a happy nothing.

Reviews

[Ecrid]

Most astute observations on the observations of the capacity of things to be, despite their ponderous nature, impermanent. Let me begin by saying that I might try to move the sentence which begins "I watch as the last days of winter" directly after "with the seasons," sir. I believe that following up the idea with a strong and poetic underpinning, one which would suggest the actual changing of the seasons, might strengthen the latter parts of the diatribe.

Indeed, I might even say that noting the inconsistency of life after the changing of seasons might seem more appropriate as the observation following the illustrative example rather than the object followed in turn by aforementioned illustrative,
example.

On the whole, this piece does certainly convey the graying and disheartening world of the author, but might I suggest, for its use in a more populous system, that sir might lighten up some of the dark thoughts into indifference, thus making the piece less about an attack on an individual and more an attack on the abstract idea of unfairness on the whole.

Well wishes, sir.

-Ecrid