My Story in Response to the Stanford Rape Victim's Letter

If the victim of the Stanford Rape is brave enough to tell a story a thousand times more painful and harrowing than mine, I can find the strength to tell mine, too.

Let me preface this by saying I hastily wrote this response at 2:00 AM because I couldn't sleep until I posted it. Sorry, I'm sure it's littered with misspellings and errors. 

About this time last year, I became a victim of assault and attempted rape. I was not assaulted by a stranger. I was attacked by someone I had considered a close friend since the first grade. Late one night, he called me, begging me to pick him up. He had taken LSD and needed help. I was worried and he was my friend, so I got out of bed and drove to him without a second thought. I found him standing in the street barefoot and shirtless. After getting in the car, the first thing he said to me was, “Hannah, I’m going to rape you tonight”. He reached over and grabbed at my breasts. When I pushed his hand away, he punched me in the face. I was shocked. I begged him to please stop, to please calm down, to please stop saying he is going to rape me. He began shouting about how he wants to kill my father. "I’m going to get a gun and I’m going to shoot him. I hate him". He repeated over and over, “Hannah, I am going to rape you tonight”. He started masturbating in my car. As tears ran down my face I begged him to stop. I couldn’t get out of the car, I was already driving, so I drove back towards UK, hoping someone would help me. I got to a red-light at the intersection on Mason Headely and had to stop. He got out of the car and sat down in the median. I got out too. What do I do? I hysterically asked him, not expecting a response. What do I do? This is my close friend, I can’t leave him there. I’m reluctant to call the police because I don’t want him to get into trouble. I was beginning to call my friend for help when he jumped back into the car and lurched over the seat, grabbing at my shirt, trying to get on top of me. When I resisted, he punched me in the face again and sunk his teeth into my arm. I opened my door to get away, and he tackled me onto the pavement. In the middle of the intersection, he had me pinned down under him. Before long he was naked on top of me. I kicked and screamed for help. I wondered if he would be able to rape me before we got run over by an oncoming car. I've never felt more helpless. 

 I watched in dismay as three cars passed me, ignoring me as I cried out for help. Finally someone stopped, but they didn’t pull him off of me. They watched until I finally escaped out from under him, and then told me to get into their car. I did, and they locked the door and called the police. I am grateful for people like them. I watched in disbelief as six police cars and an ambulance surrounded my friend and tackled him to the ground. I stood still in the flurry of movement around me until a police officer asked me if I needed anything else. What do I say? I asked if he would drive my car to the hotel beside the street because I was shaking too badly to drive. He did. I sat there in my car for an hour until my mom could come get me. When she arrived, I asked her to take me to the hospital where he had been taken. I refused to leave until I got ahold of his Mother. I wanted to be sure he would be okay. A week later, he contacted me, asking if he could come talk to me. I agreed. I could see the pain on my parents faces as he walked into the house. It took every ounce of self control my Father had to allow him to step into our home. For the next hour I recounted the story in excruciating detail. He had not remembered anything about that night. We both cried. He apologized. I agreed to work on forgiving him but said I needed some space.  

 

 Instead of respecting my wishes, he began contacting me a few days later. I got a call from a mutual friend informing me that my former-friend-turned-almost-rapist needed to talk with me, as if I owed him something. “Hannah, [NAME] feels really bad and I think you should talk to him. He’s all messed up now”. I was shocked. I’m the victim, remember? I had been more than gracious. Yet I still owed him something? I was furious, but ended up agreeing to him coming over to talk again, this time under the condition that my best friend would sit with us. I did not want to be alone with him. He was angry at this, like he had the right to set the conditions in which we spoke. As if I was being unfair. He was hostile the minute he walked in. He clenched his fists, yelling about how much he hates me. He said that I never should’ve picked him up that night. I shouldn’t have come to help and all of this wouldn’t have happened. “This is your fault”, he said. I couldn’t tolerate it any longer, and I hysterically yelled at him to get out of my house. When he left, my mom and best friend held me as I collapsed, sobbing. I wanted to die.

 

The worst part of this entire situation was him not only refusing to take responsibility for his actions, but actually blaming me, as if it's my fault I was almost raped. The second worst part of this situation is the fact that some of our mutual friends informed me that “they would not be taking sides”. What side is there to take? He tried to rape me in the middle of the street, but somehow he was now a victim, too? I was told I should think about what he’s going through. He was on drugs, it wasn’t really him, they said. His life will never be the same, they told me.  

 

To these people, and to anyone else who shares this sentiment, you should be ashamed. You should be ashamed of yourself and you should be ashamed that you live in a world where this is okay.

 

I’ve debated about whether or not I should share my story for a while now. I know some people will be upset with me for posting this, and others might just be upset. I'm sorry. I'm still not sure this was the right decision but I could not sleep for the thought that not sharing this might be cowardly. I’ve been quiet because it’s easier for me to pretend it didn’t happen, but it did. This is a part of me, and I’m not going to be ashamed of it. I’m not sharing this so you’ll feel bad for me. In fact, there is nothing to feel bad about. I am very blessed and I thank God every day for the life I'm able to live. I am not seeking attention. I’m sharing this because I’m furious and I’m ready to see change. I’m sharing it because if that woman, the victim of the Stanford Rape, is brave enough to tell a story a thousand times more harrowing than mine, I can tell mine, too. I'm sharing this because the chances are, someone reading this has experienced a situation similar to mine, and maybe reading this will help you feel strong and not so alone. I'm sharing this because if we open up the conversation about sexual assault and rape, maybe we can actually bring about change. 

Reviews

[.]

Hannah,
I read EVERY word. You were more than patient with this beast. I'm glad you spoke up. He's no victim. He is clearly a rapist and turned from a friend to a criminal. Sounds like he needs to set in jail and think awhile before another victim gets taken. He's dangerous. Stay away from him please!

[AngeliqueSJ]

Your strength is amazing, and screams through in your writing voice. I am once again aghast at peoples reactions, responses and misplaced neutrality on this violence. Thank you for taking the time and taking the risk to share your experience. You are right, until we all stand together and see rape for exactly what it is and hold the perpetrators accountable always, this will never stop happening. Scream loud and long, and we should all be called to stand beside you. Keep writing, you do it very well. Keep speaking, we need to be better and we need leaders like you who are willing to rise up and call to us all. Thank you, and I wish you continued strength and healing. #LRWP2016

[??????]

I think your write was all it should be. I was at the wow point reading this was a long time friend. Drugs or no drugs one still has a voice inside to say hey I went to far so its way more than drugs speaking in his life. He needs help but your not the blame and reading that part about friends saying were not taking sides that's pretty low. I don't see people like that as friends. I believe in forgive and forget as well but sometimes when it comes to things like this its not so easy. I do find you to be a very brave lady and yes this will help someone:)