Forbidden Fruit

I have written this story of my personal life with hopes that you all can learn from my own personal mistakes. Please read this carefully and please be open minded.

When you hear the term, “forbidden fruit” immediately thoughts begin to pop into your head about God, Adam and Eve, and church. Am I right? Some of you may even have thoughts about how restrictive today’s church may be and how unaccepting they are toward certain people, thoughts, deeds, etc. After all, in the Bible, more particularly in the book of Genesis chapter two verses sixteen and seventeen it states, “And the Lord God commanded the man, saying: ‘Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat; but of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.’”

Now, allow me to pull your mindset away from “church”, and direct your thoughts elsewhere. When you hear the word “forbidden” immediately you know the meaning. However when you hear the word “fruit” you may be asking yourself a few questions. What fruit? Tropical? International? Domestic? Or some of you may be thinking homosexuality. Right? You may now be thinking, “Oh crap! Church boy is probably raising awareness about the growing “epidemic” in our society. He’s probably going to agree and side with Westboro Baptist Church saying that the people of the LGBTQ crowd are horrible people.” That is far from the truth. Allow me to be very real, open, honest, and very much transparent to you all. You may find the following to be far more interesting than you could imagine. I hope, before you judge this post and myself as the author, that you will read the words and gain the insight that may ultimately help you, somehow, as you travel your road of life.

This story used to be my personal “Forbidden Fruit.”

When I was twenty years of age, in 2007, I was living in the upper peninsula of Michigan with my father and stepmother. They were going to relocate which caused me to relocate to the lower peninsula of Michigan to reside with my mother and stepfather. I spent that Summer living with my mother and stepfather until I went away to college which was a mere ten miles from home. For the vast majority of college students, money is often very scarce and food is very limited if you are living on campus. The lure of money often pulls people to do things that they may not otherwise do while they are in their right state of mind. Desperation will cause anyone to do almost anything to survive.

Toward the end of 2007, I was on Christmas break from college and deliberately disobeyed my mother and stepfather. I invited a young man into my bedroom and proceeded to fornicate with him. After the fornication was complete, and the young man was on his way home, I felt regret and shame come upon me as though I was wearing unusually heavy material. Some may say I was wearing chains that were purposely tethered to the very pit of hell. Others may just say that my imagination was too wild. Nevertheless, I know I felt ashamed, regretful, and prideful. Fear became my best friend and my worst enemy as I had found two hickies on my neck. I did not want my parents to know what I had done. I panicked and called my mother on her cell phone. I lied to her saying that I had been forcibly raped. She then called the local police who came out to the in order to investigate the incident. I was taken to the hospital for examination. While in the emergency room, a detective came in to speak with me. He told me he was suspicious of me lying, not only to my parents, but also to the authorities. I never confessed. However, he was right.

Three days after the incident, I was told to leave home. I became homeless the twentieth of December. I spent Christmas with a friend from college. She may not have known it, but I was devastated on the inside as I have no doubt my parents were crushed as well.

She and I had drunken binges. Somehow, I survived alcohol poisoning. I was sick and very dehydrated for ten days. I was unable to eat or drink anything. The only thing I could do was simply wait to die. The eleventh day I felt like a brand new person. Excitement began to build as it was nearly time for me to go back to college for a new semester. 

At last I had made it back to college. I made it back to college with deep wounds difficult circumstances that lay ahead. I knew that unless I take charge of my future and somehow make money to survive, I may never live to see another day. Out of desperation, fear, panic, and a detestable mindset, I decided to contact a gay pornographic website. I e-mailed nude photos of myself hoping I would get a job as a model with that site. To my surprise, I succeeded…or so I thought.

Mid January 2008, I was 37,000 feet in the sky on my merry way to Las Vegas in order to film for gay porn. Many people know the money is very well worth selling oneself. The money, and my addiction to pornography, is what lead me to thinking that being a model is perfectly fine. To sum it all up, the only money I made was a measly $150.00 and years of shame as I now have to live with my naked body online for the entire world to see and purchase on DVD.

After the porno film was completed, I was flown back to Michigan to go to resume my college studies. Frightened that my future in Michigan was only going to get worse, I decided to consult one of the models from the porno shoot and tell him about my predicament. At the time, the model was also my boyfriend. Together, via telephone conversations, we decided my life would be much better in Springfield, Illinois. With the earnings I made in Las Vegas, I took a train to Springfield and never looked back.

For the duration of 2008, I found myself in an abusive relationship. Manipulation, lies, starvation, bruises and black eyes lead me to finally leave my partner on the very first day of 2009. I slept outside for months in -18 degree weather hoping something good would finally come my way. After all, “I’m the victim here. I deserve the best,” or so I thought. Do you see my pride and arrogance?

The local shelter in Springfield, Illinois proved to be a very unstable place as I endured literal rape, drugs, alcohol, and feared for my life every single day. I had been shot at by gangs with guns. I was constantly on the run from gangs wanting to kill me. They had knives, guns, and many other forms of torture simply because they knew I was gay. They knew that I could not fight off any of them. Darkness was normal for me. It was my friend and my shelter.

Finally, near Easter, I was taken in by a wonderful couple with whom I developed a great relationship while in the shelter. The couple were volunteers and very loving. They put themselves in harms way in order to shed a little light and kindness to those in need. They became my parents in the faith I now I have. Finally, I could begin to trust, relax, and open myself to care and compassion. Little did I know, it would be temporary. I was asked to secure living quarters elsewhere as the couple’s daughter was coming to visit them for the Summer. They did not have room for the both of us. Again, “no room at the Inn” ringed all to true in my broken little spirit.

A friend of mine, who I met living on the streets, had an apartment. She allowed me to move in and become her roommate as we both had steady jobs and were great friends. Sadly, she fell into seemingly endless drug usage. I decided to move out with my new boyfriend to get away from such illegal activity. To my surprise, she was arrested and sent to prison due to conspiracy to murder. I could only assume drugs were to blame for something like that as murder was not in her character.

In October of 2009, I found myself living my car. My boyfriend and I broke up and I had no other place to go. I called my grandmother and, to my surprise, she helped me to obtain an apartment as I could afford one with my current job. By that time, I had made some amazing friends who would frequently visit me. As it turns out, I allowed them to make decisions for me. I always trusted them. In fact I still do. However, the advice they gave me was to try another relationship. So, I met another guy and he and I became inseparable.

Our relationship was fairly decent until I decided to turn my faith toward God. My boyfriend was a witch. He and I didn’t have any troubles when it came to religious toleration. In fact, it drew us closer. It drew us closer until I realized he had put a curse on me. The curse caused my every move to be made known to him. Somehow, every time I took a step, or batted an eye, he knew. Luckily, he felt threatened at my friendships with other guys and accused me of being a cheater. He left me and I have been single ever since.

At the end of 2010, I moved in with my close friends. I love them, and they love me. We have been a little family for years, that is until I decided to dive in to my faith with God. I began going to a local church in Springfield, Illinois called iWorship Center. I never knew the true power of God actually existed! As I drew closer and closer to God, my life rapidly changed as I was given an opportunity to move out of my friends’ house and move in with a family from church.

My newly found family were leaders in the church. I attended classes within the church and became a leader as well. To my surprise, God has redeemed my time in Michigan and in Illinois. Today, I am simply a follower of God who, just like you, has difficulties. From time to time, I see my “forbidden fruit” try to poke its head in my life. I still struggle with lust. Luckily, my friends and other leaders from church are helping me to break the addiction to sex and fear. I find myself wanting to help others who may be going through situations like I have. So, I have two questions for you, my dear reader:

What is your forbidden fruit and how low are you willing to go until you decide to let yourself accept freedom from your own pit of hell?

Reviews

[zainul]

I am surprised that nobody has made any review on this work.
This is a great challenge for you and I wonder how long you can face it.
Thanks for sharing.