A dream world

Well..make of it what you will because i'm undecided :)

A dream world

Lazing in the sun-

sand gently slips

through toes.

A smell of seaweed

tickles my nose, as

kids playfully run in

and out of the sea,

playful screeches

float all around me.

Then all goes grey.

A heaviness crushes

the day - a painful

silence decends.

All kids stop their play.

The sea recedes quickly;

getting out of the  way.

Lightening strikes down -

turns the sand black.

I curl into a ball, squeeze

my eyes tight, do all I can

to blot out the sight..

       I shoot up in bed;

       nightmares at night!

Author's Note

lots need changing i know..it's a little odd but it's been one of those days lol. comments and criticism welcome

Reviews

[richieb]

Nice description changes to cover change in mood and scene. Dreams change quickly and your poem changed color into gray and gloom in a smooth manner. Clever writing, enjoyed it.
Richie.

[hcarson]

thank you richieb, much appreciated, glad you liked it

[Fredyman100]

It was a great piece well described that i could picture it as if i was present

[hcarson]

thank you fredyman100. much appreciated that you took the time to read and comment :)

[Fredyman100]

You welcome

[barleygirl]

This is very realistic & conveys all the believable sensations of such a scenario. Using italics really adds a lot to the poem, to signify the transition. Even tho this literally shows us a nightmare, it could also symbolize the way we can be in a great life situation, but then something dark inside us rears its ugly head & makes us do dumb stuff to sabotage our current happiness. Or even the way life throws us a curve ball, like a car accident, which makes everything go suddenly dark. This is an excellent poem.

[hcarson]

Thank you so much barleygirl, i really appreciate your lovely review, i wasnt sure at first on this one as it is something different for me...reminds of when you have one of those partners who is lovely one minute then gets moody out the blue putting everyone on tenderhooks, spoiling the day if you get me. Thanks for reading :)

[barleygirl]

Now that I read your alternative interpretation, I'm reminded of sharing a 3-way relationship with the bottle, if you get me!

[hcarson]

Oh yes i understand that one!! Had an ex like that..it killed him in the end..definitely a mood changer!!

[Anindita Janhabee]

Its nice to see another work of yours dear,
too realistic for a dreamer, yet too imaginative for a writer...
I like the way you pen down all the poems in such a way that anyone feels like you have written it while doing or experiencing that, i mean, i felt like you wrote this while you were still lost in your dream..
Hope you got my words : )
At first, i thought it must be about some sceneries or seasons, but the description changed while i went on reading and enjoying! well done, (as usual you do)
LOL,
Anindita

[hcarson]

thank you so much anindita, i get what you mean, i think it is because i struggle to write at all unless i'm actually feeling in that way at that time or know the feeling/experience well so i know what you mean ...thank you so much for reading and your lovely words, much appreciated as always :)

[Anindita Janhabee]

my pleasure, i appreciate your understanding...

[Inject Positivity]

Wow Helen, you imaginary concept looks brilliant here, your word choices looks amazing... There is a lot of thoughts in the poem with both happy and dark feels letting the reader to imagine and relate to it with their own life... Well done.... Clappings...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[hcarson]

thaank you IP i was detrermined topost something ..got a couple up yesterday, the joys of clearing up college work :) thank you for reading and your lovely review, your thoughts always mean a lot to me :)

[Inject Positivity]

You are welcome frnd... And I love reading your works always....

[Shannon]

I was fearful it would be too idyllic and get to boring. I like when things take a turn. so this is fun.
I like the internal, inconsistent rhyming, adds to off balance flair. I don't love " I shoot up in bed", it feel sout of place. I wish I had a suggestion!

[hcarson]

i agree si.mi but like you i couldnt think of anything else lol..that was it my imagination dried up lol..i agree it needs changing though..seems out of place too much doesnt it..will have a think about it,see what comes up. :) thank you so much for your lovely review and reading, i appreciate it a lot as always :)

[Takeshi Yamada]

hcarson, Wow...you start out with such a beautiful scene, a comforting place where the sun is warm and children run and play. Then, in an instant, you show how the mood can change to a heavy darkness. I've seen such changes in people around me before, so this was very real to me. If only we could stay in that "dream world" for longer, huh? But maybe it is the voyages into darkness that remind us how beautiful the dream is?

I enjoyed this poem! Thanks for sharing.

[hcarson]

thank you takeshi, these changes certainly can be quick and very unpleasent, thank you so much for reading and yur kind comments, very much appreciated