ALONE

THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE FOR A YOUNG GIRL WHEN HER MOTHER PASSES AWAY AND SHE IS LEFT TO HER SADISTIC STEP-FATHER...

ALONE

I don't know how long I've been in this room. Although I'm not sure 'room' is an accurate description anymore; more glorified box really. I'm also fairly certain it has gotten smaller since I was shut away in here.

     I have a mattress, the light bulb has been removed, as have all of my personal belongings; books, telly, clothes etc. Anything he may see me as getting pleasure from.

     I'm 13 years old...well saying that I guess it depends how long I have been trapped here, I could very well be 14..15 even and not even know it! This realisation hits me hard, I feel uneasy deep in the pit of my stomach. Disorientated.

    Due to the small window being sealed shut with strong wood (I know it's strong...I spent long enough trying to escape by it) it is hard telling day from night, and the seasons you can just forget about really. There is however a tiny knot in the wood. Its entirely black now so it must be night.

   Today was another of those days he didn't bring me bread or water so I'm guessing I slept through the daylight.

    I'm so hungry and thirsty I may well have slept through several.

I lay on my excuse of a bed. A sharp spring that has broken through the crusty material of the mattress, digs in and drags against my skin. Another sore scratch to add to the rest on my back and sides.

    My mother would never had allowed me to sleep on something like this. She's not here now though. All I have left of her is the painful hole her death left behind. I miss her so much, yet I can barely bring her face or voice to mind anymore. Not awake anyway. That's why I try and sleep as much as possible, (asides from the boredom and temporary escape from this situation of course) to dream as much as possible, of better times and have her with me. Just for an instant.

    She had married Him a year or two before her diagnosis, I believe. At this point I hadn't actually hated him but I knew there was something a bit off about him. We tended to avoid each other mainly. My mum seemed happy so that was good enough for me. She deserved some happiness. My biological father hadn't stuck around so I think she enjoyed the attention. With his twisted black eyes and hateful sneer it sure couldn't have been his looks! But then, I suppose, she may not have seen him how I did. Mind you, he hadn't locked her in an empty room...never got the chance I guess. Cancer got there first.

Soon after the funeral I had returned from school and he had yelled at me to come upstairs. Had something good to show me, he said. Stupidly I thought he may have redecorated my room or something, to cheer me up. suppose he had in a way. Its different after all.

As I opened my bedroom door a shove propelled me forward from behind. I fell to my knees, in utter shock and confusion at what was happening. The door slammed shut behind me. I spent days banging, screaming, shouting, pleading until I was hoarse. There was no escape.

This place, I'm pretty sure is the loneliest place in the world. My world at any rate. My tiny, dark world where the only time he brings a light in is for when he brings a bucket in for my..you know..my business. He never speaks. I've given up trying to pull on his heartstrings and ask him why. He never answers, except occasionally with a slap. Sometimes I wish he would at least insult me, at least then I would hear another human voice. Even if it is his!

     I'm so desperate for some sort of stimulation, I 've begged for just one book but I'm blanked at best.

   I feel so deeply sad and lonely. I just wish it would end. The only attention I get are in my dreams. Those I remember anyway; slowly even those are being taken from me.

   My stomach growls while my throat is like sandpaper. The room seems chillier than normal. None of these things are too unusual in themselves but the fact I can't recall the last time I felt the vibration of the front door opening or closing sends a chill down my spine.

   I try to think of my mum, so desperate to speak to her, just once. A warm tear slides down my cheek. I pull myself into a ball, trying to keep warm. The broken spring grips my flesh and tears it. I cry harder, trying to think what I did for him to hate me so much.

             *********      **********      ***********       *************     ***********

''Good evening. This is Sophie Raworth reporting from BBC NEWS AT SIX. The body of a young girl found dead in a house in Bilston, has been identified as that of 15 year old Selby Jackson. Selby was found after her step-father, Gareth Jackson, who had been on remand for an unrelated offence, admitted to having locked the girl in a room, at the family home after the girls mothers death, some 16 months before. It is believed the girl had died from starvation during the interim of Mr Jacksons incarceration, however investigations are ongoing...in other news.....''

   

Reviews

[Robert Parlange]

“... all stories, if continued far enough, end in death...”
Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon (1932)

Not exactly a little pink bunny rabbit story. Another reviewer identified the mechanical issues so I'll just comment on the story itself.

Powerful. We got to know the torment of the girl through her voice. The narration was compelling. The ultimate conclusion was true-to-life: there are always other stories coming up.

One suggestion, and it's only a suggestion, is that it might be a more powerful image if the girl could have written this story on the walls of her room, after she realizes she has been abandoned and is near death. It would be her legacy. A final defiance to her step-father. A statement that “I was here.” It's just an idea. You are the writer. You can pooh-pooh the whole idea. (I always wanted to use that phrase in a sentence.

Good work.

[hcarson]

haha, I'm glad you have finally got to use it! I couldn't give her a pen coz he removed everything before putting her in there, even removed the bedbase but yea I see where your coming from but got a feeling this guy was too meticulous to have left even a crayon behind. He's a git lol. thank you for your comments, much appreciated. :)

[Robert Parlange]

Maybe she could scratch it on the walls with a nail. Sorry, the brain's still on full-auto.

[hcarson]

haha that's fine, I love to hear different ideas and takes as you never know if you may redo a story or even use it in another. No idea is a bad idea :)

[Sangeetha]

I LOVVED YOUR STORRY!!! Sorry it's a little informal but I agree with Robert your story really captures her pain torture and desperation and I also agree that if that was me in that poor little girls place... I would done anything to try leave an imprint ... Maybe she could have tore off that loose spring in the mattress and scratch the walls with her story....haha just saying

Other than that I was on the verge of tears ,for a short story it was pretty darn impactful .
Keep up the good work can't wait to see what else you come up with .. And BTW your story really relates to my poem HOLLOW in a way. Haha

[hcarson]

thank you for the fab review :) i will be looking up your poem for sure and thats an amazing idea about the bed spring!! i hadn't thought of that but yes, it would totally work! i will put that in when i do another like it :) glad you loved it so much:)

[Sangeetha]

Well as an artist I feel like we gotta use what we got and work magic with it you know what I mean so I just thought that if I only had just a thread in there I'll try to come up with Something you know? Desperate people do desperate things am I right?😅

[Sangeetha]

And I am so Glad you like my idea with the bed spring ...you know you should really start a novel haha😎

[hcarson]

yea and if i did that bed spring would resurface and somehow play a part haha..like goughing hi eye out! :)

[Sangeetha]

hahah you really have a sense of humor there Ms Helen..but why not right? ;like i always say theres no reason why you shouldn't try something new...you never know what you can do unless you try

[daisymiller]

I enjoyed this! I don't shy away from dark stories, I think this was compelling, I never wanted to stop reading it.
A few things that stuck out to me though, because of the nature of the story, how dark and disturbing it is in it's nature, I think that you rob yourself of it's essence when you don't confront it. I am referring to the bucket...and the ya know... business. That right there could be a very powerful tool, because it's gritty, and real and I feel like you shouldn't shy away from it. name it.
" he brings a light in is for when he brings a bucket in for me to void myself, and then I am forced to live side by side with my refuse until he comes again. I pray for that light." Just something like that.
I love how well you communicated her pain. And I also like that you didn't focus too hard on the man doing this to her or her mom, but I do wish that at some point in the story she had clung to a happy memory, in detail, to round out her character.
Very well done. thank you for sharing!

[hcarson]

Thank you daisy, im glad u enjoyed it. I think your right about the memory,i could have kinda gone back in time to revisit it and show the relations between them before the mums death etc..wish i had..gunna have to do another now coz it will niggle me now u put the idea there lol. The reason i put that in about the bucket in the manner i did was to relect her personality..you no,a littlecshy and awkward about those things but ur spot on sbout the memory.thsnk u for your lovely comments :)

[daisymiller]

Thank you for sharing your talent! i hope you have fun tinkering! if you do end up putting a memory in let me know, I'd love to read it! :-)

[hcarson]

I definitely will sometime soon, will send it to u first to see what u think snd if u got any good ideas to add before i put it up, kinda like a joint one lol :)

[BookWorm]

What made you think of this? Its absolutely brilliant. Its sad and dark and it can even be relate to people on an emotional or mental level. Feeling lonely like that.....its horrible. I love how you captured her feeling, how she talked about Him. And then at the end when she mentioned not hearing the vibration of the front door and we find out its cause he was incarcerated. So good. i actually felt really sad those few paragraphs. Brilliant work, can't wait to read more.

[hcarson]

Thank you bookworm :) i got this one because i sawva contestbon here and it had to be about loneliness so after thinking, i decided that would be a vile position to be on an simewhat true for people (some) that are locked in their own home, nobody to report them missing because its the people closest doing the harm. I'm glad youmtook the time to read it and liked it,very greatful :)

[Inject Positivity]

heartbreaking....the story is very catchy and i loved how you made the speaker a very lively character in the story... nice descriptions and the simplicity of it made it more catchy....the story took me to the place where she lived and how terrible she felt there without having a single person to talk to... such a tragic one.... well done dear authoress..... 100 ratings.....

[hcarson]

thank you so much, much appreciated :)

[Inject Positivity]

you are welcome dear frnd....

[Érenn]

Wow, I loved it. I didn't stop till I reached the end. It was gripping and the imagery was vivid. ^^ The tone is maintained throughout the prose( Except for the last para for obvious reasons). I went and read it again and these were things I spotted, which didn't sound right to me( I might be in the wrong here though)

* 1st para 2nd line. "more glorified box really" should be "a glorified box really" or "more of a glorified box really"

*6th para 1st line "My mother would never had allowed me to sleep...." should be "My mother would never have allowed me to sleep....." There was a mix up in the tense.

*same para 2nd line, I feel rather than using "painful hole" "painful emptiness" should be used, for if you use hole,you haven't mentioned a hole in the narrators life or heart or soul. Again this is just what I think.

*8th para 3rd line "suppose he had in a way." you have missed "I" and if not then I feel you should add a comma after suppose.

*same para 4th line "As I opened my bedroom door a shove propelled me forward from behind." would sound better if written "As I opened my bedroom door, a shove from behind propelled me forward."

*9th para 1st line. "I feel so deeply sad and lonely." just doesn't sound right. Rather "I feel deeply saddened and so lonely." (Once again just my opinion, i could be wrong)

*Same para 5th line "the vibration of the front door....." should be "the vibrations from the front door....."

Other than that a few capitalization of the first words missed. I think you can cut down a little on the word count as well.

For example: "i try to think of my mum" could be "I try thinking about Mum" It does not change the tense( I hope)

All in all though the story was really good and I enjoyed it a lot ^^. Thank you for sharing ^^

[hcarson]

Yea some changes like that could improve it, i wrote it quickly before college this morning so not entirely clear headed lol..i also write as i speak which is where u are picking up the words in certain places if u get me, i need to stop doing that but its so easy to fall back into. Hopefully will change over time as i get more used to writing like this..i hope lol. Thank you for your comments :)

[Érenn]

Don't worry I end up doing the same as well ^^' So i can understand. ^^

[hcarson]

Hi, any critisims welcome. All good for improvement. :)