ALONE

THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE FOR A YOUNG GIRL WHEN HER MOTHER PASSES AWAY AND SHE IS LEFT TO HER SADISTIC STEP-FATHER...

ALONE

I don't know how long I've been in this room. Although I'm not sure 'room' is an accurate description anymore; more glorified box really. I'm also fairly certain it has gotten smaller since I was shut away in here.

     I have a mattress, the light bulb has been removed, as have all of my personal belongings; books, telly, clothes etc. Anything he may see me as getting pleasure from.

     I'm 13 years old...well saying that I guess it depends how long I have been trapped here, I could very well be 14..15 even and not even know it! This realisation hits me hard, I feel uneasy deep in the pit of my stomach. Disorientated.

    Due to the small window being sealed shut with strong wood (I know it's strong...I spent long enough trying to escape by it) it is hard telling day from night, and the seasons you can just forget about really. There is however a tiny knot in the wood. Its entirely black now so it must be night.

   Today was another of those days he didn't bring me bread or water so I'm guessing I slept through the daylight.

    I'm so hungry and thirsty I may well have slept through several.

I lay on my excuse of a bed. A sharp spring that has broken through the crusty material of the mattress, digs in and drags against my skin. Another sore scratch to add to the rest on my back and sides.

    My mother would never had allowed me to sleep on something like this. She's not here now though. All I have left of her is the painful hole her death left behind. I miss her so much, yet I can barely bring her face or voice to mind anymore. Not awake anyway. That's why I try and sleep as much as possible, (asides from the boredom and temporary escape from this situation of course) to dream as much as possible, of better times and have her with me. Just for an instant.

    She had married Him a year or two before her diagnosis, I believe. At this point I hadn't actually hated him but I knew there was something a bit off about him. We tended to avoid each other mainly. My mum seemed happy so that was good enough for me. She deserved some happiness. My biological father hadn't stuck around so I think she enjoyed the attention. With his twisted black eyes and hateful sneer it sure couldn't have been his looks! But then, I suppose, she may not have seen him how I did. Mind you, he hadn't locked her in an empty room...never got the chance I guess. Cancer got there first.

Soon after the funeral I had returned from school and he had yelled at me to come upstairs. Had something good to show me, he said. Stupidly I thought he may have redecorated my room or something, to cheer me up. suppose he had in a way. Its different after all.

As I opened my bedroom door a shove propelled me forward from behind. I fell to my knees, in utter shock and confusion at what was happening. The door slammed shut behind me. I spent days banging, screaming, shouting, pleading until I was hoarse. There was no escape.

This place, I'm pretty sure is the loneliest place in the world. My world at any rate. My tiny, dark world where the only time he brings a light in is for when he brings a bucket in for my..you know..my business. He never speaks. I've given up trying to pull on his heartstrings and ask him why. He never answers, except occasionally with a slap. Sometimes I wish he would at least insult me, at least then I would hear another human voice. Even if it is his!

     I'm so desperate for some sort of stimulation, I 've begged for just one book but I'm blanked at best.

   I feel so deeply sad and lonely. I just wish it would end. The only attention I get are in my dreams. Those I remember anyway; slowly even those are being taken from me.

   My stomach growls while my throat is like sandpaper. The room seems chillier than normal. None of these things are too unusual in themselves but the fact I can't recall the last time I felt the vibration of the front door opening or closing sends a chill down my spine.

   I try to think of my mum, so desperate to speak to her, just once. A warm tear slides down my cheek. I pull myself into a ball, trying to keep warm. The broken spring grips my flesh and tears it. I cry harder, trying to think what I did for him to hate me so much.

             *********      **********      ***********       *************     ***********

''Good evening. This is Sophie Raworth reporting from BBC NEWS AT SIX. The body of a young girl found dead in a house in Bilston, has been identified as that of 15 year old Selby Jackson. Selby was found after her step-father, Gareth Jackson, who had been on remand for an unrelated offence, admitted to having locked the girl in a room, at the family home after the girls mothers death, some 16 months before. It is believed the girl had died from starvation during the interim of Mr Jacksons incarceration, however investigations are ongoing...in other news.....''

   

Reviews

[Robert Parlange]

“... all stories, if continued far enough, end in death...”
Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon (1932)

Not exactly a little pink bunny rabbit story. Another reviewer identified the mechanical issues so I'll just comment on the story itself.

Powerful. We got to know the torment of the girl through her voice. The narration was compelling. The ultimate conclusion was true-to-life: there are always other stories coming up.

One suggestion, and it's only a suggestion, is that it might be a more powerful image if the girl could have written this story on the walls of her room, after she realizes she has been abandoned and is near death. It would be her legacy. A final defiance to her step-father. A statement that “I was here.” It's just an idea. You are the writer. You can pooh-pooh the whole idea. (I always wanted to use that phrase in a sentence.

Good work.

[hcarson]

haha, I'm glad you have finally got to use it! I couldn't give her a pen coz he removed everything before putting her in there, even removed the bedbase but yea I see where your coming from but got a feeling this guy was too meticulous to have left even a crayon behind. He's a git lol. thank you for your comments, much appreciated. :)

[Robert Parlange]

Maybe she could scratch it on the walls with a nail. Sorry, the brain's still on full-auto.

[hcarson]

haha that's fine, I love to hear different ideas and takes as you never know if you may redo a story or even use it in another. No idea is a bad idea :)

[Sangeetha]

I LOVVED YOUR STORRY!!! Sorry it's a little informal but I agree with Robert your story really captures her pain torture and desperation and I also agree that if that was me in that poor little girls place... I would done anything to try leave an imprint ... Maybe she could have tore off that loose spring in the mattress and scratch the walls with her story....haha just saying

Other than that I was on the verge of tears ,for a short story it was pretty darn impactful .
Keep up the good work can't wait to see what else you come up with .. And BTW your story really relates to my poem HOLLOW in a way. Haha

[hcarson]

thank you for the fab review :) i will be looking up your poem for sure and thats an amazing idea about the bed spring!! i hadn't thought of that but yes, it would totally work! i will put that in when i do another like it :) glad you loved it so much:)

[Sangeetha]

Well as an artist I feel like we gotta use what we got and work magic with it you know what I mean so I just thought that if I only had just a thread in there I'll try to come up with Something you know? Desperate people do desperate things am I right?😅

[Sangeetha]

And I am so Glad you like my idea with the bed spring ...you know you should really start a novel haha😎

[hcarson]

yea and if i did that bed spring would resurface and somehow play a part haha..like goughing hi eye out! :)

[Sangeetha]

hahah you really have a sense of humor there Ms Helen..but why not right? ;like i always say theres no reason why you shouldn't try something new...you never know what you can do unless you try

[Chris]

That was so good, I actually became lost in her story and voice. It was short but powerful. I found myself hating Gareth when she said what he did. But the last part of it with the reporter took me aback. I thought that was a nice, twisted way of finishing up the story. Great work!

[hcarson]

Thank you gareth, your review is really appreciated..if you're interested, after this i wrote a prequel to this called "HIM"..it may be worth having a look at.

[juliette10]

Wow!😶 I mean this was... Really very true like.... I felt for a second that you actually have been suffering from such torture... I was speechless for some time... Really...😶😶😶
The theme and plot and all WERE old really, and I totally agree to the common aspect of this story... But one thing is there which I would like to say... It may not be very new at plot or other technicalities.., but your writing is really power packed especially when it comes to first hand expressions... I felt inside the story for once... YOU DO HAVE A DAMN GOOD POWER OF EXPRESSION.. all you need to work upon is storyline... And adding more of unusual and uncommon strands to your piece of writing...😊

[hcarson]

Thank you for your lovely review, this was wrote from a prompt about lonliness, hence not being too original..my excuse anyway lol 😉 thank you so much for reading and reviewing much appreciated 😀

[richieb]

Very good imagery of the young girl in this terrible situation. You captured her feelings of desperation and loneliness very well. Her sadistic step-father is realistic as is her isolated captivity. The ending is sad but true as this happens so many times. Well written.
Richie B.

[hcarson]

Thank you richie, i added another chapter to this, a prequel called HIM if you want to gain more insight into the whys etc that he did it. Thanks for reading and reviewing, really appreciate it :)

[Workvio]

An interesting tale of life gone awry at the hands of a cruel man who, quite obviously, her mom ... This tale fits more the reality of real life, where not all stories and events have a happy ending ... Well done ...

[hcarson]

Sadly they don't, as you say..a.sad fact of life..thank you for your review, much appreciated

[Workvio]

I enjoy your writing ...

[Adesanya Yewande]

haa,what a sad ending,i feel sorry for selby,the step father is sure heartless,what did the little girl ever did to him....nice tragedy story

[hcarson]

thank you, was sad wasn't it..at least he went to prison though :)

[Adesanya Yewande]

it was good he went to prison

[V]

Dark write. I usually don't review stories (maybe because I'm somewhat too lazy) but yours caught me. It creates suspension, the reader wants to know how it ends.

[hcarson]

i don't usually do short stories as i'm still learning so stick to even shorter stuff generally but i try every now and then to see what happens, theres no forethough,as with my poems so it always fun even if not successful haha

[V]

So you're better at writing longer texts? I've always been good at keeping things short so most of my poems are, maybe that's even why I like poetry so much, you can express a lot with very few words.
Even my try at short stories was often too short ^^

[hcarson]

some short stories i have done have been ok but to be honest i'm not sure what i'm best at focusing on at the moment..i prefer doing poems but i thinkk thats due to my impatience and lack of imagination..maybe if i possessed both of those things i would prefer stories as i love to read them..in paper form..i guess i like all sorts...told you i was scatterbrained lol :

[V]

That's ok. ;) Poems are a good way to concentrate on creating, they stir imagination and train the ability to express yourself in many different ways. I love poetry, hope you stick to it.

[Mr_Goth]

the end is a deep shock... I have a bad habit to start my review as i am reading not knowing whats in store.. A very dark way into Hell and this could be the first part of the story and you do have room to build off of. Congratulations the idea is done and scary and spooky and all to close to real life or it seems I say that because real life stories inspire these types anyway i'm still in shock but it is good. When you started it what were you thinking and did you know that was the ending? and how you wanted to end it for her? just curious on that level

-chuck

[hcarson]

Hi Chuck, quite honestly i had no idea where i was going with it..i never do with anything i write because if i think about it i will scare myself away from having the confidence to attempt it so i literally take a word or subject and just write as i feel at that time. I saw a subject on here to write something about a person being lonely and i guess at that time the height of lonliness for me would be to he trapped,excluded, uncared for and unloved from those closest to you. I had no idea of the ending till i got there so didnt no how it would be received overall but i enjoyed doing it...if enjoyed is the correct word for such vileness?? Thank you for takng time to read it much appreciated :)

[Chris]

Another possible "twist" would be to cut away to him remarrying and having his next victims in the church pew attending the ceremony...

[hcarson]

Ohh...yea that coulf be one..that would work quite well i think but im guessing that would mean after his prison sentence??

[Chris]

Why have the last paragraph at all? After the "break", continue the horror venue with him getting remarried WHILE she is locked in the room - starving and possibly end it during or immediately AFTER his (perhaps) personally "chosen/written" mind-chilling vows... with a mind pic of him with a demonic smile...

There are (of course) many other ways to "grow" or series the story (that I won't mention here but would answer if asked). It is your construction and thought to deal with and decide upon.

Psychological horror needn't always be overtly graphic (nor crass and crude) via shock-oriented mind-pics OR have readily resolved storylines in a "happily-ever-after" justice-served fashion ...you WANT readers to turn more pages, so give them something to turn to.

[hcarson]

Yea they aren' t bad ideas:) you have given me an idea ...keep the last bit but the next chapter could start being years later when he has been released from prison, foukd marry a women that is unaware of his past etc...maybe he tries same thing or the ghost of the girl tries to stop him from doing it etc..:)

[Chris]

...many...many ...possibilities.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

This is probably my favorite so far. The Drama is so rich here, tragedy, I love how it starts loosing track of time! I loved it. Would you read my story Dreamer? I am trying to write stuff like this now. Thank you.

[hcarson]

thank you sir drift and pulse, your comment is lovely. I will certainly read anything you would like me to, no problem at all