The Return

Short story about a young adult male that let his family down so badly in a desperate time of need that it led to an irretrievable turn of events and shame..and something else.

THE RETURN

It had been a long time since Joe had last seen his family. At least eighteen months by his reasoning. It wasn't that they were far away. They weren't. He just hadn't been able to face them. He still felt the sharp stab of guilt each and every day just at the thought of them, but the time was close. He knew that now.

                       

                             ******************************

''As usual we need help and Joe's too busy!'' Marlene shifted her substantial weight from one swollen ankle to another, fanning her face with a dirty dish-rag as she did so.

Outside a continuous tapping of metal on metal bounced through the open kitchen window, further irritating an already irritated Marlene.

''You know Joe mum. Useful as a chocolate teapot.'' Pippa brushed yet another greasy string of ebony hair from her eyes. The thought of simply shaving it all off getting stronger with each day.

''Anyway, he said to ring him if there's any issues and so far so good. The fence is almost half done...dad will probably get it done quicker without him anyway, useless lump that he is!'' Pippa heaved her weight from the creaky kitchen chair and traipsed to the kitchen window, hoping to catch a cooling breeze. Squinting her eyes, making her resemble a pig more than ever she leaned further towards the window. Skin draining to white.

''MUM, NOW'S THE TIME...RING JOE NOW!'' The urgency in Pippa's voice had Marlene huffing and limping up the hallway as Pippa began shouting for her father through the window. She knew she should go and fetch him. His hearing was terrible these days but her legs had frozen.

The shrill ring of a mobile phone from the study made her heart freeze alongside them.

                            *****************************

In stature Joe followed his father. Tall and thin.

''All angles and bones.'' His mother would say. Those angles and bones were now awkwardly folded up around a crate he had been using as a table, an array of dirty bits of cloth littered here and there among sweet wrappers and cigarette ends.

Idly he wondered if his mother and sister still weighed the same as a small car or if they had finally managed to lose some weight in the last eighteen months. That day eighteen months before, he had known as soon as he had remembered that it was a mistake to have left his mobile phone on the desk in the study but he had been hot and tired. Had he gone back for it his mother would have made him help his father with the fences, and he had wanted to go for a cool down in the stream instead, plus he wanted to finish his book off. Surely his sister could help, he had reasoned. She could do with the exercise anyway, he had thought sourly.

He had regretted his decision later of course but it had been too late by then. As usual he had been needed, and as usual he had run from his responsibilities.

He had gone and set up camp in a cabin across the stream Pippa and he had played in as kids. A simple wooden structure that leaked in the rain but had kept the worst out. Well, almost the worst. Absentmindedly Joe scratched at the raw wound on his arm. Such a small bite really but such large consequences, he thought, squeezing green pus painfully from the wound. Feelings of nausea washed over him. Unsure if it was from pain or infection, Joe unfolded himself carefully from his seated position, stiff from being cramped up for so long.

He had lost weight over the time he had left home. His already bony frame was now almost skeletal. He felt lethargic. From lack of food or infection Joe wasn't sure. He was beginning to get confused, one thought bleeding into another. It was time to go and see his family.

His old home looked just as he remembered it. Fence half built, now blown down in places. A few roof tiles had vacated their usual spot on the roof and lay broken on the garden floor but essentially it was just as he had left it.

Lifting heavy feet Joe made his way to the front door which he knew would be unlocked. He knew because he was the one that had left it unlocked eighteen months before in his rush to get away. He placed a hot trembling hand on the front door handle. For once, not trembling in fear at the noises around his cabin but trembling instead through infection. And excitement at seeing his family again, regardless of what reception he received.

He opened the door, half walking, half stumbling into the hallway. Hot fetid air  washed over him, coating his tongue with each laboured breath it was so thick.

Making his way to the kitchen he found his mother and sister. They were crouched over the carcass of...well something either once human or animal. Joe wasn't sure, although his mouth watered just the same.

Looking up with a snap of their necks his mother and sister barred their teeth, until they caught his scent and knew on some deep instinctive level he was almost one of them.

''This diet must be a killer.'' Was the last lucid thought to go through Joes mind before his mind was no more.

Author's Note

okay, this is my first proper attempt at a short story, hoping for feed back on whether to continue or if I'm wasting my time and if so, where I can improve things etc.

Reviews

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we not only turn out like our parents, but grow up to be our parents ... In this case, whatever Joe's family was, he was dead fast upon the tale of a quest, known or unknown, to become just as they were ... This tale leaves just enough to the imagination to allow the reader to fill in the gaps of what is hinted, but not plainly stated, and it leaves you, the author, room to expand upon this concept at some point in the future in developing this piece into, either, a longer story or a novel ... Very enjoyable ...

[hcarson]

thank you, it was my first attempt at a short story so i know i still have a lot to learn but yea, i guess i could expand on this, thanks for the idea :)

[Inject Positivity]

The storytelling style was very good... there was detailed thoughts on the situations... i loved the concept, i loved how you made parts of the story as it kept the interest of the story... the most of all i enjoyed the story... i have learned some vocabulary from it... and please never say that you are wasting our time, you have meaning at least to me... what an experience this is to learn from you... keep doing what you love doing... full ratings for your efforts and for the whole setting and presentation of the story....

[hcarson]

thank you so much IP your lovely words are much appreciated as always, thank you for reading :)

[Caycie carson]

Love the ending jaha 😂 xx

[hcarson]

theres a few here caycie..have a look..and don't be up to late lol xx

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

I want to see more of this! It is not a sloppy attempt. It is a very rooted attempt and I like stories like these

[hcarson]

thank you, I didn't actually plan it out just kind of wrote whatever fell out next so wasn't sure how it would be received as I know some people got a tad confused

[Jacob Clifford]

I quite like this story. You show a competent understanding of story elements and what to include. It does feel pretty new--meaning that the writer feels new. But considering you said this is your first attempt at a short story, this is impressively good. When I first started writing, it was absolute trash. What you have here is worlds beyond where I started. Keep writing!

[hcarson]

Thank you clifford, much appreciated :)

[Richard Patrick]

It is well crafted. Your sentences allow the reader to see who they are seeing and how they react. The husband finally returns home. It allows the reader to feel some rejuvenation towards him,he is here to save the day. Mind you the family the children think he will come through. the wife has her doubts, He dies there. Great story by the way.

[hcarson]

Thank you Richard, much appriciated. Writtiing a short story is tougher than it sounds isn't it lol so was not how it would be recieved.the comments so far have been great with good constructige critisim, thanks to all of you :)

[Richard Patrick]

Writer s plot line, might be an idea. Allow yourself to relax just go with the thoughts you have pertaining to your story. What if she go the see her husband.

[hcarson]

The husband was fixing the fence, itnwas the son who disappeared coz he saw the family was in trouble and didnt return home till he himself got infected, she couldnt go see him coz the family were in zombie like state after being attacked as the fence was being put up if you get what i mean :)

[Richard Patrick]

The story might be better if you bring that into the context of the story.

[hcarson]

Yea, i may reread it and try and see how others may read it as it obviously makes sense in my head, i named them and said who each was and where they were and what they were doing but yea, i guess it may read differently to someone else so i will have a look at that, thanks for your comments, very helpful :)

[Delicate Pelican]

I must admit, the ending was a bit unclear for me. I inferred that something Zombie-like was going on, but it wasn't until I read your reply to Richard's comments here that the ending became clear. Other than that, nice flow. The tone is very casual, almost conversational which contrasts nicely with the seriousness of the situation. Well done!

[hcarson]

Yea it was an inference to a zombie outbreak...i kinda wanted to see if people in my house could guess when i when i first wrote it so wasnt sure whether to upload it or not coz got some crazy responses back haha but i thought sod it,go for it. I did do another,clearer version but im trying to pkay with just infererring something but yea ...i definitely need to work on it. Thanks for your comments very much appreciated :)

[Jaime S]

this is so beautifully written!! Great Job! I love all the detail and the way your sentences flow! I loved the whole idea of this story, although maybe you could shine some more light on the ending because I do agree that it was a tad bit confusing. Other than a that minor comment, all I have to say is great things about this piece! Great work!

[hcarson]

Thank you jaime, it was an attempt at inference but most that read it, like yourself got a tad confused, i did do another version that made it a bit clearer but this was already on the computer so i didnt need to rewrite it lol.lazy i know bit thank you for your comments,much appreciated and i will rremember in future tomalways be clearer :)

[Sarah Wilson]

Wow! That was amazing! I LOVE the detail! Maybe space it out a little more and find a word to use for infection, it repeats a bit much towards the end. The twist at the end was great! Never saw it coming! Amazing story, amazing writer!

[hcarson]

wow thank you! Your comments are MUCH appreciated and I will take on board what you say about the repetition..that drives me mad in books also lol! thank you so much :)

[hcarson]

Thank you both for your reviews, the reason it is jumpy is because the stars ( I was told) showed a change in the story, so it was to indicate the day that he left home sort of thing, it was meant to infer zombies but a few people also said wolves so i have a different copy that makes it a little clearer, this was the first attempt i tried rather than last. I will take both critisims and compliments and work in those areas, thank you both :)

[barleygirl]

Usually, I will not choose a story about werewolves or zombies or the like. So many times, I'm focused on why I cannot suspend disbelief, rather than getting engrossed in such a story. Your story started out in a compelling manner, but I was slightly put off by the obvious anti-fat bias. Then I decided to let it go, becuz the style of this story appears to be focused on dark & vile, like the green pus (good job of taking descriptions to the limit).

It seems this estranged "male" & the family he's returning to, could be wolves (my first thought as they were feeding on a carcass at the end). Most of all, the writing is well done . . . good word choices, expression, structure, etc. The storytelling might need some strengthening to gel together better. It's best to just keep writing more stories, than to try to remedy this one. Each attempt will make your writing stronger. We all have our shaky first attempts never fully fixed.

[hcarson]

You are right about the 'fat' comments, it was meant to show they were not a particularly nice family towards each other etc, I'm not slim myself so i mean no insult to anyone. It was meant to infer zombies but others, like you, also thought werewolves. This is the first copy so i have done another that makes it a little clearer on the zombie side. I appreciate your fomments and will bare mind to what you say, thank you :)

[hcarson]

You are correct Apersonfullofthoughts, it was zombie based. It is jumpy because an English tutor once told me the stars signified a change in the story so in this one they were going back to the day he left..if that makes sense lol. Thank u for your comments, i will bare them in mind when next writing :)