In His Cage

Locked away in his cage
He turns off the lights
He’s finally lost his will to fight
He’s ready to let his soul take flight

 

In his hand gleams a knife
A tool for him to take a life
He’s swallowed whole by inner strife
Locked away in his cage

 

Locked away in his cage
He draws the blade across his arm
A trail of blood, a red alarm
A display of sick self-harm

 

The black bird flies overhead
His body goes limp on the bed
And with his darker half finally dead
He walks away from his cage

 

Author's Note

Last poem for NaPoWriMo 2009. I haven't written this much in so long. Farwell NaPo, I await your return for 2010 <3 Comments or crit on this poem appreciated. <3

Reviews

[Marlena]

I liked it but I feel like it could be longer, like it was a little rushed. Pretty good so far though. :)

[Winter Poison]

:< sad. Very nice, a tiny bit awkward in my opinion but I know that that counts for nothing soooo...yeah. XD

[Gregory Hill]

Hmm, Nice poem, It has a good chance to become great, the main thing is the Rhyming and the meter.
Your first line does: ABCC
Your second line does: AAAB
Your third line does: ABBB
Your fourth line does: AAAB

If you conformed them all to the same way it would flow much better right away, and it would be very easy to do. Another thing is that the meter of the first line is not mirrored in the next ones, I will put accented marks showing the long and shorts in each. /= long, -= short. Example:

Your First Stanza does:

Locked away in his cage, /--/-/
He turns off the lights, /-/-/
He's finally lost his will to fight, //--/-/-/
He's ready to let his soul take flight. /-/-/-/-/

The Second stanza should also do this but instead:

Your Second Stanza does:

In his hand gleams a knife, /--/-/
A tool for him to take a life, -/-/-/-/
He's swallowed whole by inner strife, /---/--//
Locked away in his cage. /--/-/


Do you see what I mean by this? Some lines have their stressed Syllables in different places. Even if you don't make it Rhyme making a format like this is essential for a poem. Thanks for your time! If will become many times better and it is already great.

[a]

An Admirable poem! The first stanza made me remember some of my worser days, but, reading onward, the feeling kept becoming stronger, it is so well written, then suddenly the last stanza turns things into a new direction, a glimpse of light, a small hope, that he can carry on, the dark, the depressed side of him has just been killed, and that doesn't necessarily mean that he committed suicide. The way i see it - this is a rather dark poem that brings hope, it has the two sides of a unity - loss and rebirth of hope.
Thank you very much!

[Aekmy]

Wow. that really makes me think of lots of things. It flowed very nicely.

-Madeline

[Tallulah]

we had a twin moment with our author notes of our last napo poems. i love u.