Procedure of pain

I didn’t want him to see,
No, this is too much.
So we sit there waiting,
Until our hearts get crushed.

“Take off all your clothes,
Nothing from the chest down.
I’ll let you get ready,
Here’s your hospital gown.”

I’m shaking,
I know what’s next.
I’ve done it before,
I know it’s effects.

To the room,
Off we go.
While he’s next to me,
Not prepared for this show.

“Lay down here,
And scoot to the bottom.
Legs up here,”
Brings memories I wish were forgotten.

“We will stick this up you,”
As the doctor explains.
But my minds already gone,
As his prisoner is again claimed.

I see it.
I feel it.
I smell it.
I’m there.

As the procedure goes,
I try not to cry.
Reliving those damming memories,
And just wanting to die.

I cannot look at him,
My other half.
He shouldn’t see this,
It’s too much too fast.

The procedure is done,
unsuccessful is what they say.
But to me it did it’s job,
As the memories replay.

I CANNOT BREATH!
WHERE AM I?!
WHOS TOUCHING ME?!
I CANNOT STOP TO CRY!

He holds me,
I feel it.
I can’t move,
I just sit.

He gets me dressed,
And somehow I’m at the car.
Crying through the hospital,
But then I lose it all.

I SCREAM AT MY ATTACKER!
Though he will not hear.
I hit the car and beg it to stop,
But it won’t, it’s a never ending nightmare.

And my partner saw it,
He saw me relive my pain.
And as I sit there screaming,
He felt the same.

When will this sentence end?
My god please let me forget.
Because with my illness it’s relived,
At every doctors visit.

Was it for strength?
Or to teach me some lesson?
I guess I’ll never receive an answer,
To my biggest question.

And like Richard Marley’s chains,
Forever weighing him down.
So to am I shackled,
No matter what...always around.

Author's Note

This is about reliving rape through a medical procedure. Be advised

Reviews

[Kay/Hayden]

Thank you, for writing this. From one person to another, I know how hard it is to go through. The police, the questions, reliving it. I can't relate to you on all levels as it was not as serious as yours, but I can still relate. I see a common theme in all your writing, it is letting your emotions out. It is amazing you are doing that. I don't have the courage to do that, and probably never will. I hope you love your son till the end and remember hes your baby boy, not that evil person. -Kay

[Courtney Hough]

You know though all experiences, no matter what, are extremely personal and painful. No matter what happened. This happened to me 11 years ago. And it took years to express it. I finally told the world my story this year. So when it’s time for you...you’ll know. And it’s a relief to tell that on your terms! This procedure was a fertility procedure. Luckily I have fertility issues so it would’ve been impossible to get pregnant by that person. I had to do this same procedure a couple years ago when trying to get pregnant with my son. And my husband wasn’t able to be there for that. This go around he stayed by my side and wouldn’t leave. We are now expecting our second child:) but with pcos, endo and pregnancy visits it’s something you relive. As I’m sure you can imagine. One day I hope these memories fade. But if they don’t...I can’t let them define me any longer. If you ever need to talk. I’m here:)

[Kay/Hayden]

Thanks so much, my experience was about 2 years ago. It was a hate crime against me. I'm sure your son will love to have a little sibling! I wish you the best of luck and would love to know when this baby is expected so we can celebrate c:

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful words written dear Courtney. The deeds of evil men. Must be told or they could be repeated. More cases came to light because of the brave enough. To fight back. Thank you for sharing your amazing words and your thoughts.
Coyote