Gabe - Twenty One

Gabe

            I wasn’t really sure how, on our last night as roommates, I somehow woke up alone in the dorm. The week had been a bad one, especially with the end of the term looming at the end. I wish they hadn’t excused me from exams, if only because it gave me too much time alone with my thoughts. Every day, I walked for miles around the campus, alone. I couldn’t believe I was already back to hiding from Erich.

            Mostly, I was disappointed and shocked by the way he treated me once he was out of the infirmary. I had tried to talk to him, maybe a little too expectantly, the day he came back. All I wanted to do was tell him how much better he looked, and how glad I was that he was okay. But he had brushed me off. Hell, he had basically walked out the door the second I opened my mouth.

I knew he was confused about what had happened in the infirmary, but I was still hurt and disappointed. What did I have to do to get things back to the way they were? Hadn’t I saved his life? Hadn’t I stayed with him all night? Hadn’t I held his hand and looked the other way while he cried? When I talked to Rebecca about it, she reminded me that I hadn’t done any of those things expecting favors from him later. But it wouldn’t have hurt him to treat me decently.

Something really had happened between us, that Friday night when he woke up. It wasn’t the kind of thing I could really talk about to anyone, especially not Erich, but he must have known it too. I wasn’t even sure I could put it into words, really. Just, when I was holding his hand, I had felt like Erich was glad that I did. It was the first time I had ever touched Erich without him losing his temper. That moment when he started to cry, I just knew not to say anything, and I knew not to let go of his hand. For a minute, it felt like I didn’t have to be scared of anything anymore, like as long as I was holding on to Erich, we would both be all right. It was the kind of tender, quiet moment that made me feel like I had when I was lying in Leo’s arms in the wine cellar.

So, when Erich started ignoring me again, that moment just made his rejection sting all the more. For a second, I had let myself think that there really was something between Erich and me, like there was some scrap of hope that he might feel the same way. Now I just felt stupid and sick and sad.

The last night with the guys had been, in a word, traumatic. We all knew there was a good chance that we would never see each other again, and certainly we would never live together again. I hadn’t cried; I was tired of being the only one who ever cried. But I had wanted to. I felt closer to the three of them than I ever had. I had gone to bed with my rosary in hand, praying that all four of us would be all right when tomorrow came. I would be going back to Heathshire the next afternoon, and that was a more concrete plan than the other three had.

I was surprised to be alone when I woke up. I had gotten used to the sounds of three other sleeping bodies around me, and the silence was what woke me up. I knew Erich hadn’t gone to bed; he had left with the last of the whiskey to work out his demons by himself. Jim, I assumed, had gone to Rebecca. This might have been their last night together, too, and I didn’t envy the awful night they had ahead of them. As far as where Hersch was, my guess was as good as anyone’s.

I was too lonely to go back to sleep. The silence was eerie, and in the dark, it felt like the whole world was empty. I hit the lights and went to the boiler, only to find we were out of both cigarettes and whiskey. I wouldn’t have smoked anyway. After all the ash I had breathed in the fire, I wasn’t sure I would ever smoke again. I was still raspy a week later. I was cold in just my boxers, so I pulled on my uniform pants and undershirt.

With a sigh, I sat back down on my bunk with my arms draped over my knees, looking dejectedly at the floor. How, after everything that had happened in these three months, had I ended up alone again? This was how it would be forever, then. No matter how many friends I made or who I came to care about, I would always end up alone. I raised my rosary to my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut.

Then there was a loud thump outside the door, followed by wild jiggling of the handle. I was smart enough not to hide under the bed this time. There was no way it was Jim and Rebecca this time, probably Hersch or �" in the worst case scenario �" Erich.

Before I could get the door, it flew open with a slam. Erich stumbled in, supporting himself on the doorknob. He was still in his uniform, his tie hanging loose, and there was an empty bottle in his hand. He was very, very drunk.

“T’s too damn bright’n here,” he slurred angrily. He yanked off his jacket and tossed it over the lamp, darkening the room. He flopped down in the desk chair, tossing his empty bottle aside.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re a mess.” After the way he had treated me, I shouldn’t have had to take care of him. But whatever stupid, primal instinct it was that made me care about him so bloody much kicked in, and I reached for him. “Come on, get in bed. You can have mine, and I’ll take yours.” I led him awkwardly to the bunks. “Come on, lay down, so you don’t throw up.”

“You lay down,” he responded dumbly. I had to practically wrestle him into bed, and as soon as I got him to lay down, he popped right up again and lit a cigarette.

I just looked at him, unable to believe that this was where my life had taken me. Erich, who had once seemed so untouchable, needed me to take care of him more than I had ever needed him to take care of me. “Look at you, Erich,” I muttered disbelievingly. “What are you going to do when I’m not around?”

Erich put out his match and looked angrily up at me, meeting my eyes with sudden clarity. “F**k you.”

The way he said it made me freeze up. It was not like a regular insult; it was phrased differently. The way he said it, it was almost… literal. It made me feel dirty, like when Leo had touched my knee.

No, he was drunk, and I was overtired. This was no time to be misinterpreting things. I gave him a nervous laugh, and involuntarily reached for a cigarette. It was an automatic nervous twitch, until I remembered that I was out. I felt edgy, and I was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that I hadn’t had a cigarette for a week. The ash in my throat suddenly didn’t bother me so much.

“Have you got any more of those?” I asked Erich anxiously, motioning to his cig. Erich processed the question for the second, and then patted his pockets.

“Sorry, kamerad, my last,” he held up his. Just my luck. He just sat there for another second, then a thought seemed to occur to him. “Hey, lay down.” He patted the bed.

“Erich, I’m not laying down.” The worst thing I could have done right then was to lie down next to Erich.

“Come on, Brigitte ’n I…” he hiccupped, “… all the time. Cig rations,” he said almost incoherently.  I couldn’t follow exactly what he was getting at, but I was sure it was a bad idea.

“Erich…”’

“Come on!” Erich wasn’t waiting for my permission anymore. He leaned forward, grabbing my arm and pulling me onto the bed. Bloody hell, he was so much stronger than me. I couldn’t have stopped him if I wanted to, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. “Trust me.” His big hands wrapped around my wrists, stronger than me even with a damaged hand, pinning me on my back. His grip was like steel. I started shaking hard, as Erich climbed on top of me, pulling my arms over my head and straddling my hips. The cigarette was still hanging out of his mouth, and he breathed in deeply. Then he let go of my wrists, took the cigarette between his fingers, and tossed it to the floor.

He lowered his face to mine, held my head steady with his big hands, and blew the mouthful of smoke into my open, quivering mouth.

I coughed hard, unprepared for the smoke which was suddenly sucked into my throat. I was frozen, bewildered, terrified, excited. Five long seconds passed like that, five seconds of pure, tangible anticipation. Erich’s face was an inch away from mine, as I looked back into his unreadable, icy blue eyes. The whole world was silent, except for the thunderous pounding in my chest. We gazed at each other, at the edge of the cliff, too unsure to jump off.

“Erich…” my lips were shaking, and the word came out a wavering, raspy whisper. He didn’t let me finish. Erich kissed me. A rough, indelicate, deep, long held back kiss. The kind of kiss that stops the world.

I wrapped my arms around his broad, muscular shoulders, and kissed him back.

Author's Note

Accidentally deleted the original, post. Here it is again.