Gabe - Twenty

Gabe

            I was never in the music building that night. Honestly, I don’t know why I lied. Erich had made me take the shift alone on Tuesday without offering any excuse at all, so I don’t know why I felt compelled to come up with a reason I wouldn’t do it on Thursday. If I would have just told him I didn’t want to go, or just kept my mouth shut altogether, Erich would never have gotten hurt like he did.

            Before the bombs fell that night, though, all I knew was that I would not go back to that roof alone. I had spent the rest of the night alone after I kissed Erich, and the following Tuesday, when he refused to come back. Believe me: up there on that roof, staring into the dark in the dead quiet, feeling like I was the only person left in the whole world, it was the worst I had ever felt. I spent the nights staring up at the sky, thinking about how big the world was, and how not one person in it loved me. The stars that used to feel like the brightest, warmest lights in the universe �" back when I could watch them from Leo’s arms �" were cold and distant now. I just laid there and thought about Leo’s broken body and the sting of Erich’s fist.

Those nights might have been too much for me, and sometimes I think I might have gone the same way as Leo. Only the fear stopped me, the fear that Uncle Lorenzo was right �" that if I took Jim’s razor from the dorm and dragged the blade deep into my forearm, from the wrist the elbow, like I had imagined doing for weeks after Leo died �" that I would only go to hell anyway.

So I told myself I would never go back there alone, if only out of fear of what I might do.

When I walked into the dorm that night, I didn’t expect Erich to be there. I had seen him maybe once since the night we kissed. I had come out of that night looking much worse than he did; the bruise on Erich’s jaw was already nearly gone, but Jim had had to patch up my split lip with a stitch or two, and my face had stayed swollen for days.

I had planned to just go to bed, without saying anything about skipping my fire warden shift, like Erich had done the Tuesday before. As soon as I saw him there, though, I felt like I had to make an excuse.

I dropped my eyes to the ground. “I…I’m going out,” I announced awkwardly, unsure of where I was actually going, “g-going out, to the music building.” That was a believable enough lie, wasn’t it? I raised my eyes long enough to see Erich turn over in his bunk, facing the wall away from me. “I’ve got a piece for finals; I have to work on it.” That much was actually true. The Paganini I had been working on was still only about half conquered, though it had been the last thing on my mind for the past week.

Hersch, who had been noticeably kind to me lately, nodded, “You should play it for us, when you’re done.”

I wasn’t surprised that he could tell something was wrong; Hersch knew everything. The only thing he couldn’t seem to see was the rather poorly concealed fact that Jim was with Rebecca. I had a theory that Hersch’s world would come crashing down if he ever found out, and deep down, somewhere in his mind where he didn’t even know it, he was smart enough to keep that from happening. I felt bad for all of them. There were only a few weeks left in the term, and either Hersch would find out and be destroyed, or he would take Rebecca away from Jim, who loved her. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to Hersch, or Rebecca, or Jim, for that matter. They were always so nice to me.

As I tried to close the door, Hersch called, “don’t forget your violin!” He reached under the bed, handing the case to me with a smile. I nodded hard, trying to show him how grateful I was, before bolting out of the room.

I suppose I was in the music building for a bit that night, actually. Just not when Erich thought I was. Once I had escaped with my violin, it actually didn’t seem like such a bad idea to go play. The Wankers were all but off the map to us, so I figured it was safe to walk alone in the late evening. They hadn’t given us any trouble since Erich gave them the beating of their lives. The music building felt like it was miles away from the rest of the campus, all the way at the bottom of the half-mile hill that Wellington’s was perched upon. The path down was long and lonely, and for a while I felt like this was just as bad as being on the roof. But I felt the weight of my violin in my hand, remembering that soon I would be playing, and the hopeless feeling receded a bit.

The music building was never locked; I doubted if Crackers even had keys. The place was abandoned, of course, so I didn’t even have to find a practice room. I just set down right in the middle of the rehearsal space with my violin and my music, and I played like I had never played before. I played like I was Jascha Heifetz himself, like I would never be able to play again. I dragged the bow across the strings so hard I thought they would break, and worked the fingering over an over until I couldn’t feel my hand and I thought my whole arm would fall off. The resulting music sounded absolutely nothing like Jascha Heifetz �" to my ears it was violently bad �" but I felt much, much better when it was over.

I was sweating by the time I played the last notes, and crying, too. I had been crying too much, lately. I didn’t feel as ridiculous as I should have, though. It was good to remember that, no matter how bad things got, I would always have music. That, I thought, would always be enough to keep me going.

I didn’t feel like playing any more after that; one cathartic experience was all I could take right then. After packing up my violin, I headed back down the path. I lit a cigarette �" one of my last �" and brought it contentedly to my lips. Jim had yelled at me for wasting cigs once already this week, but with the stress of what had happened, how could I not be back on smoking?

When I reached the main campus, I saw Erich on the roof. I hadn’t expected him to go up there by himself. God knows, he had never been all too preoccupied with serving the detention time. There was no way to tell if he was looking my way, or if he could even see me so far below him, but I raced inside all the same.

I was thankful for the empty dorm, though I had to fight the doorknob for five bloody minutes before I managed to get inside. I wrenched open the door of the boiler and pulled out one of our few remaining whiskey bottles, not even bothering to turn on the lights. Seeing Erich had all but destroyed my sense of ease, and now there was nothing I could think to do but drink.

I flopped down on my bunk, sprawling on my back. But I hated looking at bottom side of Erich’s bunk. I had gazed up at it every night for months, usually just thinking of him sleeping there, above me, with only those damned wooden planks separating us. Now I just felt trapped, like I was being crushed inside a box. I squeezed my eyes shut and flipped onto my stomach, thinking back to that very first day, when I was too scared to take a shower, wondering how I had ended up face down in the pillow yet again.

Barely two minutes had passed when the doorknob began to jiggle. I hadn’t propped the door open or even turned on the light, so whoever was outside couldn’t have known I was in there. I stared at the door, frozen, terrified that Erich might be the one on the other side of the door. God, if he found me in here, it would be the first time we were alone together in a week. I could hardly imagine how uncomfortable it would be. I touched the stitch in my lip, thinking of how badly I did not want to get punched again. The person outside continued to fight with the doorknob as I slid onto the floor and rolled under my bed.

I felt stupid as soon as I was on the floor, but the fear of a confrontation with Erich was enough to keep me hidden. There were muffled voices in the hall, and I could hear now that there were two people out there. That dissolved my fears a little, and I was about to pull myself out when the handle budged and the door swung open.

Jim stumbled into the room, all wrapped up with Rebecca. He kissed her in the doorway for a minute, with her all up on her tiptoes and her arms around his neck. They laughed as Jim fumbled for the lamp, keeping one arm wrapped around Rebecca’s waist.

I rolled my eyes and looked up at the bottom side of my bed. I knew I shouldn’t let them bother me; I had no right to wish either of them unhappiness. But the fact that their relationship had seemed to just fall into place, the fact that they were simply effortless together, made me bitter. Why did Jim deserve happiness, someone to love him back, when I had neither? Not for one day in his life had he known grief or rejection, and he probably never would. Jim took Rebecca’s face if in his hands, gazing happily �" if a little dumbly �" at her. I settle my head back against the floor; surely they would get out before Hersch came back.

They didn’t get out, though. Their feet were suddenly inches from my face. Rebecca kicked off her shoes, sending one flying towards me, and stood on her toes between Jim’s feet. Then the feet disappeared, the mattress sagged dangerously close to me, and I started to panic. If I got trapped there, with the two of them having sex above me, in my bed, I would have go get the razors. The springs in the bed squeaked, and the sound of kissing was just about more than I could take.

“I love you,” I heard Jim whisper. Well, there was some new information. I heard the sound of a zipper, and a second later Jim’s pants landed near my feet. “Mmm, Rebecca, you’re…”

“Shh!” she hissed. I could only imagine why she wanted him to be quiet, but it worked. There was total silence above me for a long minute, then Rebecca’s upside-down face swung into my view.

She peered into the darkness under the bed, a concerned look on her face. “Gabriel, what are you doing down there?”

“What?” Jim quickly joined her. He looked ridiculous with his mop of hair hanging upside-down. “F**k! Moretti, what the hell.” Jim disappeared again, and the pants were quickly snatched from the ground. I didn’t come out; I didn’t want to talk to either of them

Rebecca lowered herself to the floor, laying on her side, propping her chin on her fist. She really was so pretty, you would have to be blind not to think so. She smiled at me, through the shadows. “Do you want to come out of there and talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I am not stupid, you know. Now come out and tell me what happened with Erich.” I didn’t answer, and Rebecca reached into the pocket of her skirt. “I have cigarettes.” That was tempting, but not enough to get me out.

“Come on, Gabe. Get on out here and talk to us, will you?” Jim did not reappear, but he sounded sincere. In all honesty, I would have told Rebecca everything. It was Jim who I was scared of telling. But he wanted to know too, and I was starting to feel trapped underneath that bunk, so I heaved a sigh and clawed my way out.

I sat next to Rebecca on the bed, and Jim rushed to turn on the second light. He must have felt too uncomfortable to sit with us, since he pulled up the desk chair. Rebecca’s lipstick smeared across his face, though he tried awkwardly to wipe it away with the back of his hand. Rebecca angled herself towards me, handing me a cigarette. I took it without looking her in the eye. “Why don’t you tell me about it, Gabriel?” she asked encouragingly.

“Yeah. What’s, uh, what’s going on, Gabe?” Jim asked, still conspicuously trying to cover his mouth. “Is it…” he was clearly uncomfortable, but not willing to leave, “did something happen with Erich?”

“It’s not about Erich,” I lied automatically, lighting my cig.

Jim raised an eyebrow, “It sure looks like it’s about Erich. You may think I’m stupid, but I can tell it wasn’t a roof tile that gave you that split lip.” He motioned to my mouth, and Rebecca leaned in for a closer look. When I didn’t answer, he amended, “I can take that stitch out in a few days, by the way. It’s not as bad as I thought.”

“Why did he hit you, Gabriel?” Rebecca asked. “Was he angry that you are going to Yorkshire?”

I looked at her incredulously. “You all know about that?”

            I turned to Jim, who was looking back at us guiltily. “Hersch found your letter.”

            Rebecca was not to be deterred. “Was that why he was angry? Are you leaving him?”

            “There is nothing to leave!” I said bitterly, holding my cigarette over my mouth, so it wouldn’t feel like a lie. Now I was getting angry; she was making a lot of assumptions.

            Rebecca looked down apologetically, her hands in her lap. “I am sorry. It’s only that, you two spend so much time together. I thought perhaps the two of you had become…” she looked to Jim, who was trying to covertly shake his head. Rebecca ignored him, placing a hand on my shoulder, “… physical.”

             For me, that was the last straw. Maybe because Rebecca believed that there was some way in hell that Erich and I could be together, maybe because Jim was trying to hard not to seem uncomfortable, maybe because her hand on my shoulder was the first scrap of compassion anyone had shown for me in a long, long time. For whatever reason, I broke down and cried.

            “It was just a kiss,” I whimpered.

            That seemed to be about all Jim could take. He winced, squeezing his eyes shut with his thumb and forefinger. “Jesus Christ!” He wasn’t ready to deal with any of this. Odds were that, though he knew there were homosexuals in the world, real people like me were practically mythical to him. His family was strictly Lutheran, I remembered, and he probably believed I was going to hell too. He must have thought I was sick. “Gabe, you… he �" it’s…” he sputtered. “S**t, Gabe, don’t you know that’s illegal here!”

            I did know, of course. I was from England, after all. I usually tried not to think about the law, since my situation was already hopeless enough already. But I had always known what would happen to me if I was ever found out. Jim didn’t know how narrowly I had escaped a much worse conviction back in Italy: I most likely would have been killed if I had waited even another hour to leave, after Leo betrayed me. Here in England, I would go to prison if anyone knew.

I wanted to answer Jim, but being reminded of that made me cry even harder, and I couldn’t get the words out.

            “James!” Rebecca smacked him.

“What? If Erich goes to the authorities, he’ll go to jail! If someone else caught them they would both go to jail, or worse!”

He was right. Right around the time I turned fourteen, two boys not much older than me had been arrested in my town. Charlie and Andrew, their names were, and everyone in town knew they were the best of friends. They lived near me. Charlie was maybe two or three years older than me, and we would walk home from school together when we were younger. No one would explain to me what they had done, exactly, but I gathered that something had happened in the loft of Charlie’s father’s barn. Now, of course, I understood what they had been doing. “Gross Indecency,” is what the papers had called it. It was a scandal. Something about the whole thing made me feel scared and nauseous.

If either one of them had denied giving consent and accused the other of rape, at least one would have gone free. But they wouldn’t do it, and now they are spending the next twenty years or more in separate prisons in Yorkshire. The paper printed a picture of them both with tears streaming down their faces when the verdict was read. In the picture, Charlie is staring hopelessly at the judge, but Andrew is looking at Charlie, like he’s dying to go comfort him. I had torn out the picture and hid it under my floorboards; it always made me cry. People who were there said that the two of them held onto each other and wouldn’t let go outside the courthouse, when they were being taken away.

I remembered how my mother’s eyes welled up when she read that they had both been convicted, how my father had gotten red in the face and crumpled his newspaper. “Come here, Gabriel,” Mum had said. I had taken her hand, and my father had stormed out of the room. “Be careful, Gabriel. In everything you do, promise you’ll be careful.” I promised.

I realized now that was perhaps the only time either of my parents made any attempt to address my homosexuality. Of course neither of them ever talked to me about it outright; Charlie and Andrew were living proof that such things should never see daylight. But my parents had known what I was, long, long before I knew for myself. I knew my father had left the room that day because he couldn’t handle talking about it. He never hurt me or tried to force me to be something I wasn’t, like Erich’s father. He just did his best to ignore any indications that I was different. But my mother had been afraid. I was her only son, her only child, and she was afraid of what would happen to me. She knew that, sooner or later, I would most likely end up like poor Charlie and Andrew. Why, God, had I not kept my promise to her?

Rebecca sent Jim a menacing look, and he shut up instantly. “Quiet, James. Can’t you see he is upset enough?” She squeezed my shoulder. “Calm down, Gabriel. No one is going to the authorities.” God, was I glad to have her around. “Tell me about it.”

I didn’t really want to force Jim to listen to this, but now that I had started, I had to get it all out. “We were on the roof, and we were talking, and it just came over me, and I kissed him, and… and….” I couldn’t tell them Erich kissed me back. Even though that one, single moment when he pulled me closer proved that I was right about everything, that I was right to kiss him, I couldn’t tell them. To tell them would have been disloyal to Erich. He had kept my secret, when I told him, and now that I knew the same thing about him, I could never betray him. “And he hit me.” I buried my face in my hands.

            Jim let out a surprised breath, like he had been hit by a train. “Whoa.” I didn’t look at him, but he must have been floored. “Christ, Gabe, did you hit him back?” I looked up in time to see Rebecca give him another reproachful look. “I mean, because he had a bruise too,” Jim added sheepishly. I just nodded, and Jim let out another surprised scoff. “Hell, Moretti, you’re more of a man than I am.” I had to laugh at that, wiping away a tear as it rolled pathetically down my cheek.

            Rebecca rubbed my back comfortingly, as I tried desperately to stop crying. “He is right, Gabriel,” she said quietly, “what you did was really brave.”

            I really laughed at that. “Hah! Brave. I’ve been hiding from him for a week. I should have talked to him. I should have gone after him when he left. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. God, Rebecca, I lost him.” I crumpled over again, and Rebecca pulled me over, resting my forehead on her shoulder. Right then, I was impossibly grateful for her. She was like a sister, a sibling I had never had. Talking to her wasn’t like talking to the guys; I felt like she actually understood me.

            “Shh, shh…” Rebecca hugged me. Jim had come over to sit next to her on the bed, and when I looked up from her shoulder, I saw him looking sadly at me. Uncomfortable though he was, he was handling this pretty well, and it made me wonder if I had made a mistake by keeping my secret from my roommates for all these months. “Don’t cry. He will come back, you will see.”

            I shook my head. “No he won’t. He’s too humiliated to even come near me. He’s never going to feel the same way.”

            Rebecca pushed me off, looking me in the eye. “Do you love him?”

            There was a knot in my stomach, and my mouth got dry. What could I say? “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I had thought the way I felt about Leo was love, and now I didn’t trust myself to know anymore.

            She studied me, while I looked at my feet. “What happened to the last boy you loved, Gabriel?”

            Bloody hell, she had Hersch’s intuition. I should have known that she, too, could see everything. There was no point in lying anymore. “He died,” I answered simply. “He… he killed himself.”

            Now it was Rebecca’s turn to look taken aback. “Oh, Gabriel,” she hugged me again. “Are you scared the same will happen to Erich, then?” I nodded; I was scared. For the past few days, being without him, it wasn’t only my safety I feared for. If Leo couldn’t live with his past, how could Erich? “Then you have to be there for him. Don’t let him shut you out; that’s the worst thing for both of you.”

            “She’s right, Moretti,” Jim added. “You’re the only one of us who’s ever been able to talk to Erich. He can’t get through this without you.”

            I was not so sure they were right. “I can’t. I can’t face him.” I shook my head, reaching for the makeshift ashtray and crushing the butt of my cigarette.

            “Yes you can,” Rebecca urged. “When he comes off that roof in the morning, you will stand up to him and tell him that you are there for him. You cannot give up on him, Gabriel, not when he has already given up on himself.”

            “You think I can?”

            Rebecca smiled at me. “Of course you can. You are brave, Gabriel.” She gave my face a little push with her fist. “Keep your chin up, friend. You won’t lose him.”

            That was when the world started to shake.

I toppled backwards off the bed, and Jim leapt forward to hold onto Rebecca. “Get down! Air raid!” I cried. As the three of us scrambled to the corner behind the boiler, the sirens began to scream. Jim held Rebecca close, her face buried in his chest, his arms locked around her. I was, once again, alone. I sat with my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, my forehead on my knees, my rosary in my hand. I prayed that Erich had gotten off the roof; this was the first time since coming to England that he had been alone during an air raid. Surely he wasn’t still on the roof.

            After a few, terrifying minutes, the ground stopped shaking. The sirens continued, but the bombs were no longer falling. I got to my feet, terrified for Erich, in a hurry to make sure he was alright. Jim helped Rebecca up, and the two of them followed me outside.

            Outside our dorm, there was a mob of boys. They came pouring out of the dorms, scared and confused. All anybody seemed to know was that the campus had been hit, though it had been the far end, and no one seemed to be hurt. There was a massive blaze coming from the bottom of the hill, where a few of the annex buildings were in flames. Only I seemed to realize that it was the music building that was on fire.

            “Herschel!” I heard Rebecca cry. I turned and saw her run to her brother, hugging him, relieved that he was okay. “Thank God you are all right!” He hugged her back, before turning to Jim.

            “Have you seen Gabe?” he asked. Despite what Rebecca said, Hersch was clearly not all right. He was agitated and nervous, a wild look in his eyes.

            “I’m right here!” I called, pushing through the crowd. “Where’s Erich?”

            Hersch whipped around, facing me with shock and horror on his face. “He went to look for you! Goddamn you, Gabe, he thought you were in the music building!”

            “What? No!” I spun around, knowing what I had to do, and began to run.

            “Gabriel, you can’t go down there!” Rebecca cried, trying to grab hold of my arm.

            I turned back for only a second. “This is my fault, Rebecca. I have to save him!”

            I took off down the path to the music building, breathing hard, running as fast as I could. As I got closer to the bottom of the hill, the smoke got heavier, and I had to slow down. I could already barely breathe by the time I got to the flaming music building.

It had only been an small incendiary bomb, thank God. The building was still standing. There were flames leaping from the windows. There was a discarded sweater vest on the path, and I knew Erich was inside.

            I dashed to the smoldering doorway. “Erich!” I called into the flames. “Erich!” There was no answer. It was so hot, I almost couldn’t make myself go in. But if Erich was inside, then it was my job to get him out. Covering my face with my arm, I ran inside the burning building.

            Already, the place was almost entirely engulfed in flames. I kicked burning chairs out my way, coughing, calling Erich’s name. Flames crackled over the leather instrument cases, and I took one second to thank God I had gotten my violin out. A burning ceiling beam crashed to the ground behind me, where I had been standing just a second ago, and I realized I was going to die in that place. Uncle Lorenzo was right: this was hell.

“Erich!” I screamed one last, desperate, panicked call. I could feel the flames singeing the hair on the back of my neck. “Erich.” It was hopeless.

            “Gabe!” The voice was distant, maybe only due to my smoke-clouded mind. But he was there. “Gabe!”

            “Erich!” I cried, moving towards the voice.

            “Gabe!”

            He was there, a huge, dark shadow in the doorway of one of the practice rooms. I threw more chairs out of my way, ignoring the flying sparks and the burning pain in my hands. As fast as I could, I made my way over to him. With two steps left, Erich cleared the space between us and fell into my arms.

“Gabe,” he heaved into my shoulder.

“Erich, I’m sorry.” I struggled to keep him upright, knowing I would never get him back up if I dropped him. “I’m so sorry.”

He coughed hard. “I can’t breathe, Gabe. You have to get out. We’re going to die.”

I would not let him be right about that. “Keep breathing. I’m going to get you out of here. Come on, put your arm over my shoulder.” I swung his massive arm around my neck, and Erich groaned with pain. I could see why. His right forearm had clearly caught fire, the shirtsleeve burned away, and the flesh beneath seared. There was no other way to support him though, so I threw the useless arm over my shoulder, took his right hand in my left, and dragged him slowly with me.

I honestly don’t remember much of how we got out. There were falling beams, and blinding sparks, and excruciating heat, but mostly I just remember my single-minded goal: get Erich out. I set my sights on the door, limping along with Erich as the building collapsed around us. At some point, I became aware that my pant leg was on fire, but if I had stopped to put it out, I would have dropped Erich. Coughing and heaving, I forced myself to keep going until we were finally out of the flames.

The two of us collapsed on the ground. Someone rushed to put out the flames on my leg, and somebody else rolled me off of Erich and onto my back. The wet, cool grass felt completely unearthly. I recognized the voices of Jim, Hersch, and Rebecca, but I couldn’t see anything. My eyes were watering and swollen from the smoke and the heat, and I was coughing so hard I could hardly breathe. But Erich was next to me. Erich was next to me, and we were both safe. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I turned my head, opening my eyes as far as I could to look at him. Erich turned to look back at me. His mouth was bloody, and his eyes were still confused and scared. He had to know that we were safe. I extended a shaky hand, touched his cheek.

“You’re all right,” I whispered, “we’re all right.”

After that, I couldn’t stop coughing. The edges of my vision blurred, and Erich’s face was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.

            

Reviews

[Arianna]

:D happy happy happy face.
i love that this time even though most of the time his instinct is to shut down during an air raid his instinct was to save gabe. it just made me 25x happier :)
i laughed when gabe was under the bed. rebecca is an awesome character :) she is pro gabe and erich almost as much as i am:) though i do wonder if there wouldnt be more resistance from at least one of the guys perhaps jim givin the time period and everyone being raised to think its wrong and a sin and all... (becky could always talk some sense into him:) but thats just a detail overall i love it:)