Erich - Seventeen

Erich

            The plan was to avoid Gabe. Honestly I was starting to feel like I was falling into a cycle. The plan was always to avoid Gabe. And the plan never worked.

            Obviously I had known he was queer. How could you not see it? But I hadn’t wanted to believe it. I had thought if I denied it enough I could make it not true. I hadn’t wanted it to be true. Because if Gabe was queer I knew I couldn’t let myself get close to him. Back home if a guy was like that he got the s**t beaten out of him, or he got ignored until everyone forgot he existed. My father would always tell me how the queers wanted to make everyone else the same as them. I could not be friends with someone like that.

 

            Nothing was the same after he told me. Eventually I would look back and realize that Gabe and I never went back to how we had been before he told me. It started with the illogical protectiveness I suddenly felt for him. Once I knew about Gabe’s past it was impossible not to see how much pain it caused him. I second guessed everything I said out of fear that it might hurt him somehow.

Now I could see the lie in Gabe’s eyes when Jim teased him about being a virgin. He only changed in the dark corner behind the boiler. He touched his rosary every time something worried or scared him. I had never noticed any of that before. I ended up always fighting urge to always push him behind me so I could shelter him from anything that reminded him of what had happened. It got so bad that I cut third and fourth period on Wednesday so I could hide in the room to work the knots out of my stomach alone. I felt awful.

            At least Gabe made himself easy to ignore. The day after he told me everything he managed to make himself the quietest he had ever been. He stayed completely out of sight as well as he could. I still felt terrible whenever he was around. But I was grateful that he had the sense to stay away from me.

            It didn’t occur to me until later how embarrassed he must have been. It wasn’t for my sake that he stayed away. All I had been able to focus on while he told the story was how much I didn’t want to be listening to him. It hadn’t even crossed my mind how humiliating the story was for him to tell. Gabe had been seduced. There was no way around it. That Leo had used him up and thrown him away. It made me sick to think about. But as I obsessed over it I realized that the story made Gabe look like the dumbest kid in the world. How inexperienced would you have to be to fall for the s**t Leo had handed him?

            I didn’t think Gabe was a stupid kid though. I remembered losing my virginity to that hooker when I was thirteen. I thought I couldn’t have possibly been much smarter than Gabe was when he lost it. And there was Brigitte. Brigitte had never loved me either. Thinking about Brigitte reminded me of the stupid things you can do when you aren’t really in love.

            I wished I could have told that to Gabe. It probably would have made him feel better. But I hadn’t been able to say anything to him. At the time I had thought nothing that had happened to me could ever measure up to what happened to him. I realized the next day that I actually understood just a little of how he felt. Except Gabe hadn’t done anything wrong to Leo. Gabe hadn’t deserved what happened to him.

            I didn’t tell Hersch and Jim. I owed Gabe that much. He hadn’t specifically asked me not to tell them. But I knew he had kept my secret about Brigitte and I knew I had to do the same for him. Besides, I don’t think I could have told them if I wanted to. Just thinking about everything Gabe had told me made me more uncomfortable than I could bear. The idea of telling anyone else myself made me sweat.

            But keeping it inside made me feel just as s****y. Now it was like Gabe’s secret was my secret. Now I was the one who couldn’t get Leo off my mind. I was the one carrying the horrible secret. It made me understand just a little how Gabe had been feeling ever since he came here. Knowing what Gabe had been going through while we mocked him about being a queer and a virgin and everything made me so guilty I felt sick.

That was what was going through my mind while I lay in bed that night. I wanted to sleep. I hadn’t slept a second the night before. But the dorm wasn’t exactly relaxing. Jim slipped out about an hour after we turned off the lights. The idiot was going to get himself caught.

Obviously I couldn’t sleep. I just stared up at the ceiling and tried to wrap my mind around Gabe’s story. I tried to wrap my mind around what it meant for us. We were friends. That was why he had told me. But how could I possibly be his friend now? How could I look at him without thinking about how he looked wrapped up with some Italian? How could I look at him now without seeing Burkhard?

            No. In the name of God I was not going to think about Burkhard. I had enough on my mind. The wall I had put up against the memory months ago was still intact. Nothing Gabe had told me was ever going to tear it down.

            I tried my hardest to figure out what to do about staying close to Gabe. But all I could think about was Leo. I could see him behind my eyes now. Just like Gabe could. I didn’t know what he looked like. But in my mind he had this mean smirk and cruel eyes. In my mind he was always saying disgusting things.

I hated the b*****d. I hated what he had done to Gabe. I knew the type. The guy would do or say anything for a f**k. The guy who would spend a whole summer with Gabe only because he was the only option for miles. I pictured him with Gabe. I pictured him lying in bed and whispering things he knew weren’t true and I wanted to hurt something. The b*****d had taken advantage of my friend. Gabe. Sweet Gabe. Gabe who would never hurt anyone. Gabe who hadn’t even known what he was feeling for Leo until Leo climbed into his bed without pretense.

I wanted to kill him. I had never been happier to imagine somebody swinging. I had told Gabe, ‘I’m glad that b*****d’s dead.’ Gabe had thought I meant his uncle. But I meant Leo. If I ever had the chance I would have shot the bag of s**t. I would have put my revolver between his eyes and watched his worthless brains splatter behind him.

That feeling scared me. I had never felt that way about anyone but my father. I managed to control my violent streak most of the time. But when I thought about someone like that I just wanted to kill someone.

            “Oh God. God, Leo, no! Please, no!”

            I had heard the sound dozens of times by now. He cried almost every night in his sleep. But knowing why he was crying was the worst feeling in the world. Now I could imagine what was happening in Gabe’s nightmare. He was holding Leo’s broken body. He was reading the note that told him how he had been betrayed. He was realizing that his life was ruined.

            Don’t think about it, Erich. Just go to sleep. You’ve ignored it before. You can ignore it again. Think of what Führer would say. If you’re not careful you’ll end up just like Gabe. Gabe and Burkhard. Be a man. You’re a man and he’s not.

            But I couldn’t do it. Not tonight. I had to help him. As wrong as I was supposed to think it was, he was still my best friend. I had to start acting like his best friend. As much as I wanted to stay out of it I couldn’t listen to those horribly pitiful noises anymore.

            I lifted myself out of bed and crawled down from my bunk. I scanned the room for witnesses of what I was about to do. Jim was gone and Hersch was buried under a pile of blankets. He slept like a rock. I could do what I had to do and get out without him ever realizing.

            I crouched down next to Gabe’s bunk. He slept curled into a ball like he always did. He looked so small and so sad I had to look away for a second. He was shaking and sobbing without tears. It only took a minute of inspection to see he was still asleep.

            “Hey,” I said quietly. He didn’t respond so I gave him a little shake. “Hey, Gabe, wake up.”

            Gabe woke up with a start. “Leo?” he gasped. It broke my heart. I was there to make sure he was okay. It was probably the kindest thing I had ever done in my life. But still all he could think about was Leo. I wanted to forget the whole thing then. But then he said, “Erich?”

            I couldn’t go back after that. “Hey, kamerad.” I sat on the edge of his bunk. “You were having a nightmare.”

            I had hoped he would come to his senses and this would all be over with it. No such luck. Gabe’s face fell. He looked so crushed. “Erich,” he sobbed.

            Goddamn it. It was going to come to this. I looked at Gabe and saw so much pain in his eyes that I could barely hold his gaze. I had to take care of him. It would be uncomfortable for me. But I had to know he was all right. He was my best friend and I couldn’t let him feel like he was alone.

            So I climbed into his bunk. I got in next to him and wrapped my arms around him. He started to cry into my shoulder. “Shh… shh…” The last thing I wanted was for him to cry. “It’s all right, kamerad. It was just a dream. Just a dream, that’s all.”

            Gabe didn’t respond. I realized he was barely even awake. Maybe he was still almost sleeping. Either way he wouldn’t stop crying. I rubbed his back to get him to breathe more evenly. It helped a little.

I held him close and Gabe pressed his face to my chest. I inhaled deeply into his hair. He smelled like smoke and tears and sunshine that had not worn off from his years in the vineyard. I opened my eyes and gazed at the freckles on his shoulders. Then I realized that I wasn’t uncomfortable or embarrassed at all. It didn’t feel wrong. For the first time in ages I felt calm. Like the first time I saw him in the courtyard. Still I glanced around and prayed Hersch wouldn’t wake up and see me like this. I swore I would go back to Germany tomorrow if anyone saw me like this.

Gabe let out another sob and I got scared that he would wake up Hersch. “Shh…” I soothed. “I’m here, Gabe. Nothing can hurt you if I’m here.”

“I would have stayed,” he cried. “I would have stayed if I had known what he would do.”

Then I felt awful for being glad that Leo had died. Leo’s death had destroyed Gabe in every possible way. I would have rather seen that b*****d live than see Gabe like that. “It’s not your fault. Don’t ever think it was your fault.”

“I love you,” he whimpered. “Don’t leave me. I love you.”

My stomach dropped. There just a half second when I thought he was talking to me. But after that I knew he was talking to Leo. Gabe didn’t even know I was there. He thought Leo was the one holding him. He thought Leo was the one who was taking care of him. I knew it was better that way. It would be better if Gabe didn’t know that I was in his bed with him. But the fact that he was still clinging to Leo when I was right there in front of him made me so sad and so angry I could have cried too.

There was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t leave him there. Angry as I was I had to stay with him. I didn’t know how to calm him down any more than I had. I just laid there with Gabe in my arms. I rocked him until he was quiet.

And while he slept I repeated the only thing I could think of. I whispered the words that had gotten me through that night after the fight weeks ago. I said them for him. But I also said them for me. I had started saying them whenever I thought about him at night. When I had nightmares too. When I couldn’t stop dreaming about the boy in the bunk below me.

It was just a dream. Didn’t mean anything. Just a dream.

Reviews

[Arianna]

OH MY GOSH THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honestly that ws the game changing chapter for erich!
i LOVED IT!
i cried.
it was adorable
im honestly having a fan girl moment!
please emily, could i have some more???
pleasE

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.memberID. 008
.name. Arianna
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.novels. Right Side Up, The Bigger Sister, Fear
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