Jim - Seventeen

Jim

            In the first minute of the first hour of the Friday morning following the best night of my life, I found myself creeping up a dark staircase in my underwear, rehearsing just how to tell the girl of my dreams that I could not have sex with her.

            Confused? So was I. The chain of events started about twelve hours before that, as I sat in Geography of Africa contemplating the idea of faking a heart attack to get the hell out of that class

          You did not forget about me, did you? You had better get up here tonight.

            The note was scrawled across the bookmarked page of my workbook. Hersch was sitting right next to me, and I panicked and slammed the book shut. The noise echoed through the lecture hall, and Hersch snickered into his notes while the rest of the class glared at me, but at least he catch me.

            I hadn’t forgotten about Rebecca (shocking, I know). But two things had kept me away for four agonizingly long days. For one, I had literally no time. The shortened semester meant that our final exams were in a one month and the professors had turned into slave drivers overnight. Secondly, Hersch was in one the worst moods I had ever seen him in. Even if I hadn’t known about the letter from that old friend of his, I would have been able to see Hersch having an internal wrestling match �" and losing. So, both out of respect for his inner turmoil and heightened fear that he would actually murder me if he caught me sneaking upstairs, I had purposely avoided another encounter with Rebecca. 

            Lucky for me, she had figured out I wasn’t avoiding her because I wanted to. Actually, I couldn’t be sure that she had. But every chance I got, I sent her looks of desperation that I hoped conveyed how completely anxious I was to get back to her. She would respond with a nod or a wink that somehow simultaneously said ‘I understand’ and ‘you know what you’re missing’ at the same time, which actually made it whole lot harder to fight the urge to throw her over my shoulder �" if I could lift her, she wasn’t anywhere near heavy but upper body strength was not something I was blessed with �" and carry her to the nearest bed. But I managed.

            As you may have guessed, this was not the kind of situation I typically found myself in. So I had turned to Erich for �" for lack of a better word �" guidance. In general, he gave good advice that I really, really didn’t want to hear and usually didn’t take.

            More luck for me, I found him alone in the room, cutting third period, after Geography of Africa. He was digging in the boiler for a pack of cigs. “Goddamn, it’s hell rationing this stuff, isn’t it?” We were running low on booze and cigarettes. I had almost stopped smoking altogether, since it was as good an excuse as any, and the other guys were down to about a half a pack a day. As if they needed more reasons to be sullen and moody. Hersch and Erich must have been fighting more than they were at the beginning of the semester, and Gabe had started to look more like a sad puppy than usual.  

            “Probably,” I was still shaky and panicky. I can’t stress this enough: this kind of thing did not happen to me. I grabbed Erich by the shoulder and pulled his head out of the boiler. “Look at this,” I said quickly, shoving the book in his face.

            Erich read the note and laughed. “Hell, Banhart, what did you do to that girl? She can’t get enough, can she?”

            “It’s not funny!” I hissed through my teeth, even though saying that only made him think it was funnier. “How the hell am I supposed to get up there with Hersch watching me all the time?”

            Erich sat back against the boiler. “You need to relax. Just get out once he’s asleep. You know he sleeps like someone hit him in the head with a brick.”

            “I know, I know!” It really was a lot simpler than I was making it out to be, though I didn’t want to admit that to him. I flopped down in Gabe’s bed. “It’s just… F**k! I don’t like sneaking around. If I do this wrong, everything is going to go to hell.”

            “That’s what I am trying to tell you!”

            “Well I can’t end it with Rebecca now, and I can’t come clean Hersch!” I groaned. “So if you want to tell me what to do, do it now.”

            “Fine,” Erich snorted, standing up and moving over sit on the desk, putting his feet up on the chair. “You won’t end it or tell Hersch, then you’re stuck sneaking around. All right?” It wasn’t all right, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think there was another option. “All you can do now is stop things from getting worse.”

            “Like what?” I had no idea what he meant. I kind of wished he would get off his high horse, but it wouldn’t be worth listening to him if we were just two guys on the ground. The fact was he had earned his place on that horse and I hadn’t. “How the hell could this possibly get any worse?”

            “Did you use a condom last time?” he asked, so straightforward it almost sounded sarcastic.

            “Jesus Christ!” I smacked a hand to my face and ran my fingers agitatedly through my hair.

            “Did you?”

            “No! All right? I didn’t.” I groaned, sitting up in preparation to defend myself against the insults he was sure to toss my way. Oh, f**k, I was stupid. How had I forgotten that? I was embarrassed to admit that I had forgotten now, though it had honestly been the last thing on my mind that night.

            “Goddamn it, Banhart, you really are an idiot!” Erich exclaimed with the exasperation of a pretentious older brother. He hopped off the desk and stomped over to me. “If you get that girl pregnant, do you know what happens? Your life is over! Okay? You ruin your life and her life forever.”

            “Well, what the hell makes you such an expert?” I sprung off the bed to get away from him. “Who died and made you the Duke of Condoms?”

I know that didn’t make a ton of sense. Actually, I felt like an idiot the minute that came out of my mouth. But Erich shut up, and all the blood must have drained out of his head in about two seconds, because his face went as gray as the sheets. “Nobody,” he mumbled, sitting heavily on Gabe’s bunk. “Just, that girl from back home, remember? We, uh, had a, um…” I knew what he was trying to say, but he obviously didn’t know how to say it, “There was just a… scary couple days, before I left, you know?”

Well, now everything made a hell of a lot more sense. How many times had Hersch said, if a guy like Erich was staying away from girls, there was bound to be a reason. Abrahamson had probably figured it out for himself, with that psychic intuition of his, and it was more than likely Erich had told Gabe himself. Once again, I was the last to find everything out.

And now it was awkward. “Yeah,” I muttered. “I get it.” I didn’t get it. How could I ever get it? This was just one more experience they had and I didn’t. God, would I ever be able to understand anything any of them had gone through. “I’ll try to get my hands on one by tonight, okay?”

“Do what you want,” Erich growled, heading for the door, “I’m going to Biology.” He shoved the door open and stalked into the hall without waiting for me.”

So much for guidance.

And that is how I ended up creeping through the halls of the school after midnight, wearing only my boxers and undershirt (Hersch flipped over in his sleep while I was trying to sneak out, and I had panicked and run out of the dorm without getting dressed). As far as my moral dilemma, I quickly gave up preparing what I would say to Rebecca and had landed on bargaining with God. If you would put a condom in my hand right now, I told him, I swear I’ll read the whole Bible, front to back. I didn’t mean it, but it seemed worth a try. I kept that up until I reached Rebecca’s room. Out in the hall, I unclenched my empty hand, shot a nasty look towards God, and pushed the door open.

Rebecca was in a bathrobe, leaning out the window with a cigarette. She gave a yelp and flicked the cig out the window when she heard the door shut. “James!” she breathed, pressing a hand to her chest. “S**t, don’t scare me like that. Knight would kill me if he knew I was smoking in here. I did not think you would be here so soon. I…” her hand flew to her loosely tied up hair, “I’m still a mess.”

She wasn’t a mess, obviously. The bed stood between us and all I could think was how badly I wanted to get her on it. But I had to say what I had to say. “Rebecca, there’s a… little, little problem.” I held my thumb and finger close together, trying to stress the smallness of the problem.

“What is it?” she asked, kneeling on her side of the bed. Dear God, was she trying to kill me?

This was not going to go well. I stammered like an idiot when  was nervous, and she made me more nervous than anything in the world. “It’s just… I don’t really have, you know… I mean, last time… we shouldn’t have… uh, without…”

“James?” There was the Rebecca that scared the hell out of me. “Spit it out.”

“Erich told me not to get you pregnant!” It spilled out of me at around the speed of a fighter plane. My fist flew to my mouth before I had even said it all, like my body knew I sounded stupid before my brain did. I flinched in preparation for the rage that was sure to come flying.

But Rebecca shook her head and smiled. She looked at me like I was a moron, but at least she smiled about it. “Is that it?” She crawled on her knees over to the nightstand and rummaged around in the drawer. Something hit me in the chest before I even realized she had anything in her hands. I scrambled to pick it up, looking with what can only be described as complete astonishment from her to the condom in my hand. “My rations from old Paul’s place.”

“Well, are you going to stand there all night or are you going to get over here and put it on?” she laughed, motioning for me to join her. I lunged ungracefully to the bed and kissed her as hard as I could. I toppled backwards onto the pillows and, as Rebecca fell on top of me, I looked gratefully over her shoulder at the ceiling. “Thank you,” I mouthed towards the heavens. I had some reading ahead of me.

…

            There wasn’t a clock in the room, but I know it was much, much later when Rebecca and I finished and she climbed off of me. She put her head on my chest and I draped an arm around her protectively. I never expected her to admit it to me, because I knew pretty f*****g well that she could take care of herself, but I knew how happy it made Rebecca to feel protected. Her world was scary and uncertain, and when I was with her, all I wanted was to let her know that I could take care of her.

            I wanted a cigarette, and considered getting up and offering Rebecca one. But I thought, s**t, what if she’s pregnant? To spare you the suspense, she wasn’t. We really got lucky. And I wish I had known it then, because that was a completely stupid thought. If she had been pregnant, whether or not she could smoke should have been literally the last problem on my mind. Besides, it was just one time. What were the odds of that happening? In a few weeks I would be in the clear, and then I would feel like an idiot for having even thought about it.

            But I thought about what Erich had said, about how my life would be over if I messed up like that with Rebecca. And all I could think was that he was completely wrong. If Rebecca would have been pregnant, my heart probably would have exploded with unreasonable happiness. Yeah, it would mess up everything I had planned for the future, but my life wouldn’t be over, not by a long shot. I mean, I would be with Rebecca for my whole life.

            That was a scary feeling. My whole life? I had never thought about a single thing in my life lasting more than two weeks. My stomach got so fluttery right then I was actually surprised she couldn’t feel it.

            I tried to get back on my old train of thought: what had Erich said? He said his life was over when he thought his girl was pregnant, hadn’t he? Hell, he had run away from her. But I knew I wouldn’t do that to Rebecca. I knew it. What the hell was different about my situation and his, then? Obviously, Erich hadn’t loved that girl. And I… I…

            “I love you.”

            Of all the stupid things I had ever said to her, nothing had ever made me feel more like shooting myself in the mouth than that. The silence that followed was so painfully embarrassing, I actually considered hiding under the blankets like I was six years old. Rebecca closed her eyes for a minute and shook her head. “James…” she whispered, sitting up. She looked like she was going to cry

            She didn’t say anything else for another minute, and I didn’t dare try to butt in. Rebecca made her way to the edge of the bed, pulled on her robe, and lit a cigarette. “James,” she said quietly, bewilderedly, as if saying my name again would make the words return home to my vocal chords.

            But I wouldn’t take it back. Even if I wasn’t sure I meant it two minutes ago, I meant it now. Rebecca, with a cigarette between her fingers, her robe hanging off her shoulders, her hair in her eyes: I loved her then.

            “I’m sorry,” I muttered, sitting up against the headboard. “But it’s true.”

            “Do not do this to me, James,” she rasped, taking a drag and dropping her head. “Not now, not when Hersch is going to throw me on a train back home in a month.” She clasped her hands in front of her face like she was praying. “I can’t say it, not when I am going to lose you anyway.”

            “Rebecca, you won’t lose me.” I managed to pull my balled-up boxers out from the foot of the bed with my toes, pulling the underwear on as I went over to her. “I swear I won’t lose you.” I knelt in front of her and took her clasped hands in mine, kissing them. I had always wanted to do that. Guys in movies were always doing stuff like that. “I lo-”

            Rebecca shook her head, throwing the barely smoked cigarette down angrily in the ashtray. “No! Don’t you dare say it again. If I we say it, when I leave I will not have to think of you as the boy I loved. And you… James, you won’t have to remember me as the girl you loved who went away.”

            “You’re not leaving.” Oh s**t, it was happening. I was going to cry in front of her. I was going to cry on my knees in front of her. I couldn’t help it. The thought of her alone in some death-hole city in Poland, spending the rest of my life trying to imagine what had happened to her, made the pathetic lump rise up in my throat like the devil. I hiccupped humiliatingly before I could stop it. “Come on, Rebecca, look at me.” The last thing I wanted was for her to see me cry, but I thought I might have a chance of convincing her I meant what I said if she could see it. “Listen, you’ll stay with me. No matter what, you’ll stay with me.”

            I went up higher on my knees and hugged her around the waist, running my hands up and down her back. I never wanted to let her go. Rebecca hugged back, burying her wet face in my shoulder. “Oh, I love you James.”

            I couldn’t believe she said it. I mean, I couldn’t believe I said it in the first place, but never in a million years did I think she would say it back. I had never, ever told a girl I loved her, and I thought there wasn’t a girl in the world who would ever say she loved me. I was so surprised, I actually couldn’t get any words out for a long, long minute. I just looked at her with the biggest grin that had ever found itself on my face. Rebecca started to laugh instead of crying. “I have never told a boy that,” she admitted.

            I took her face in my hands and kissed her. When I let her go, Rebecca laughed again and said, “I see you have never told a girl that.”

            “I will never, ever stop telling you.” That probably sounded dopey, but I meant it. If the only words I ever said again for the rest of my life were ‘I love you, Rebecca,’ I would have been a very happy man. I kissed her again.

            Right around then, I started to get worried that Hersch would wake up. Probably I should have been thinking of other things, but I figured if Hersch burst in and ruined that moment, it would probably ruin my life. I pressed my forehead to Becky’s. “I should get back,” I murmured regretfully.

            Rebecca extended her hands to my chest. “You’re right.”

            She sniffed and wiped at her nose. “Hey,” I said, brushing a stale tear off her cheek, “no more crying next time. For either of us.”

            She dropped her eyes, laughing and shaking her head in way that made me want to kiss her even more. “Promise.”

            I found my undershirt flung over the bedpost and pulled it on. Rebecca went to the door with me and we kissed for a while before I finally opened it. I kissed her forehead and she sighed.

            “I love you,” I said again.

            “I love you.”

            I stepped out into the hall slowly, hesitant to leave her. I was halfway down the hall when she called, quietly and sarcastically, “come back soon.”

            When I turned back, and saw her leaning in the doorframe in her robe, I turned back around. I dashed back to her and pressed her against the frame, wrapping her up in my arms for one more kiss. God, all I wanted was to stay with her. We kissed and kissed in that doorway before she finally had to give me a push down the hall. “Good night,” she whispered through the dark corridor.

            I did a high kick all the way down the stairs.

Author's Note

Again, scenes like this I post rough because if I waited for editing they would go up two years later, so be kind-ish.

Reviews

[Arianna]

eeeps:)
happy dance, that was just DOWNRIGHT adorablE! :) theyre too cute for words. and i dont want them to be seperated. more than ever i just want more chapters. and i wish it was allready a published book! so i could just read it all day long insted of waiting for...i think its been almost a year ive been reading this book now! but its defenetly worth it.
anyway i loved this chapter :) well done! cant wait for more!
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