Herschel's Log - Entry Thirteen

A Chapter by emily

Herschel’s Log

To Kristen

This is the only time I can think about you, now at night, in the dark, when no one can see. No one would understand, if they could see me now, the kind of hold you have on me. No one else can understand just how much someone’s heart can hurt.

But I can think about you in the dark, not just because I can cry in secret, but because the night is a shroud, a curtain I can pull around my life and hide the parts of my past I don’t want to remember. The parts that took you away from me.

It’s been so long now, but it still seems impossible that you’re gone. It still feels like all the light of the world has been snuffed out. That is what you were, Kristen. You were the light of the world to me. You were the reason the sun came up in the morning. And you didn’t care that I hardly ever told you so. You were the only one who knew how hard it was for me to get my feelings out. You were the only one who never cared. You knew that sometimes there were just no words for how much I loved you.

If you were here I would be able to say it. I would tell you how much I loved you over and over for as long as it took for you to believe it. I wouldn’t need this stupid journal. I would be able to tell you how much I missed you. I might even be able to tell you goodbye. If nothing else, that is what I want. A chance to say goodbye. Sometimes I lay awake and wonder what I would have said if I had been there when you died. Sometimes I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been able to say anything.

Write it down, you used to tell me, when all the feelings got so blocked up I could barely even speak. You would wait for me to write it down. And I knew you would understand even before you read it. You always understood.

When I’m writing, it feels like you’re still here. I feel like you’re standing behind me, like your arms are wrapped around my neck and your face in is buried in my shoulder. I feel like when I turn around, I’ll be able to take you in my arms and kiss you, and then everything will be all right again.

I think about our room a lot. We shouldn’t have let them give us our own room, but I can’t make myself regret it now. I think about the little things I never cared about back then, like how you would unbutton my shirt without ever breaking a kiss, or how you would laugh when my glasses got in the way. I remember how it felt to comb my fingers through your hair, how it surreal it felt to be naked in front of you. I remember you were always soft and warm, even in that frozen hell. I remember how well you fit in my arms when we lay in bed together.

You were too good and too innocent to be caged up like that, but you were still stronger than me. I’ll never know how you managed to take care of both of us for all that time. Without you, I would probably be dead today. And without me, you would probably be alive today. That just isn’t fair.

It should have been me, Kristen. I was bitter and cold where you were kind and warm. You were the last person in the world who deserved to die in that place. Sometimes it seemed like you were the last good person in the world. It was me they wanted. If there was ever a God watching over us, then I would have been the one they caught. No God in heaven would have taken you from the world instead of me.

I don’t want to think about you anymore, but the idea of losing you for good makes me want to never wake up in the morning. It’s killing me, Kristen. You’re killing me. Jim asks about you and I want to tell the truth more than anything, but I’m afraid saying it out loud will make it really true. I’m terrified.

So this is the time. This is the only time I can breathe. This time in the dark when I can pretend you’re here, writing letters that can’t possibly reach you. Just like home, you’re the only thing worth staying alive for.

You were everything, Kristen. You’re still everything. You will always be everything.

I love you.

Herschel

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